By Melissa Antoinette Garza
For the record, I did not want to see ALADDIN (2019)!
I wanted to see MA (2019), but my sis and mom got me hammered and took advantage of me. Hey, my sis put up the green so I can’t really complain!
As for the flick, it was okay. It was better than DUMBO (2019), but not as good as BEAUTY AND THE BEAST (2017).
Do I really have to summarize the plot? Everyone saw the animated version, right? Oh whatevs – fine. I don’t have anything better to do anyways!
So Aladdin (Mena Massoud) is this thief with a good heart. He steals food with his monkey Abu. Abu is cool shit, but he’s a wile little fucker.
One day while stealing shit downtown, he comes across this sexy lady who takes bread from a vendor and gives it to some hungry kids. The vendor is ready to kill the broad, but with some cunning cleverness Aladdin helps them both get away. This lady claims to be a handmaiden to the Princess, but she’s really Princess Jasmine (Naomi Scott). The two hit it off and chemistry is crazy, but she returns home thinking he stole her bracelet. He didn’t. It was tricky little Abu.
Jasmine is the daughter of the Sultan (Navid Negahban) who wants her to marry a prince. The prince would be destined to be the next Sultan, but Jasmine’s all like “Fuck this, dad! I’m going to be the new Sultan. This is the 1200s. Time’s up!” Bear in mind, that’s probably not an actual quote. I was pretty drunk.
Meanwhile, the Sultan’s right-hand man is a douche. Jafar (Marwan Kenzari) wants to take over as the Sultan and fuck shit up. He wants to start wars and loves power. He’s that bad guy that usually I’m totally taken with, but he didn’t have the cavalier sexy side that I like in my villains. He was just all evil. If he was trying to mack on Jasmine, I probably would have been on his side a bit more. Instead, he was too much of the ordinary crazy politician for me to give a shit about. Not to mention, this was really bad casting. Kenzari was just so boring. Other than throwing some dude into a well and the hippie-dippy conclusion, he didn’t have any really crazy scenes that could have helped flesh out his character. He was there. He was the bad guy – and that’s it.
Aladdin ends up bringing Jasmine back her bracelet. The two share a kiss, but he still thinks she’s a handmaiden. It isn’t until he is found on the royal property by Jafar and cronies that he finds out the truth. He also ends up finding a genie lamp when he’s dropped off somewhere. Admittedly, this is when I went to the bathroom and took off my bra because I was so hammered and uncomfortable. That said, I know he was in this desert, then a cave and boom – NOW, he has the lamp.
He rubs that shit and poof – a genie (Will Smith) appears. So……the genie???? Ummmm. Yeah. Well, not great! It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. Smith was really hit and miss, here. Sometimes he was fabulous and owned the shit out of the character and then other times I was like, “Nooooo!! Will!! You’re the Fresh Prince, dude. Don’t do this to yourself.” His first five minutes were definitely in the latter category.
Anyways, Aladdin still has the mad hots for Jasmine and now knows she’s a princess and needs to marry a prince. He wishes to be that prince and in probably the best scene with the genie, his arrival in town is splendid.
The Genie ends up macking on the actual handmaiden Dalia (Nasim Pedrad). Her performance was horrible. I hated the character. Pedrad was basically doing her shitty SNL shtick with her weird high-pitched voice and awkwardness. It sucked and was so goddamn affected. Bad! Bad casting and horrible acting made for some of the most cringe-worthy moments that I’ve seen in years. Still, it could have been worse. At least, we didn’t have Kate McKinnnon doing old-lady impressions of every ethnicity other than her own. That would have ensured me walking right the fuck out of the theater. As it was, Pedrad made every scene she was in a difficult and annoying watch.
So, the genie and Aladdin try to hook up with the fems while Jasmine attempts to convince her dad to let her take over as the Sultan. Jafar works to get the lamp and the power and all that jazz. He does and then there’s a showdown between the good guys and the bad guys.
Meh!
It wasn’t dreadful but I so wasn’t vamped. Overall, this is pretty forgettable.
The brightest star of the film is Massoud. He killed it as Aladdin. The first few scenes with him, I thought “maybe this won’t be so bad.” He showcased both the coolness and insecurity of Aladdin perfectly. I honestly wish the film just followed his life as a thief. He was an interesting cat, with a good look and killer instincts.
The other actor who stole every scene he was in was Navid Negahban as the Sultan. He had some seriously emotional moments and did amazing in each one. I felt for the character and his plight.
Naomi Scott as Jasmine, I could take or leave. She wasn’t offensive in the role, but she didn’t offer much more than being sexy. At times, she was very stilted and acted like a little girl rather than a heavy-hitter. The worst was when Jasmine was supposed to be strong and demanding. She came across like a spoiled dummy who was yelling instead of a powerhouse Fem Goddess ready to be the Sultan. If she was my Sultan, I’d be concerned. I wish they had a tougher chick in that role. Someone like Zendaya or Cara Delevingne would have brought the energy needed. To put it in GREASE terms, we needed Rizzo and got Sandy – pre leather.
I really can’t suggest this flick. It’s got pretty colors. If you’re high and/or drunk, it’ll be watchable. Like, if you go in high AF, you’d probably walk away giving it a 5 or 6, but in reality the flick is just like a 4 so that’s what Imma gonna give it.
Scared Stiff Rating: 4
