By Geno McGahee
I don’t understand why there is still royalty. It just seems odd that there are kings and queens still existing in the world at this time. You don’t see knights anymore…I don’t think. Then again, I live in a country that doesn’t have royalty, but if I lived in another country that had that sort of thing, I’d see knights on horses running out to do things. So, since I know no royalty, outside of a couple of queens that my mom talks about in our family, A CHRISTMAS PRINCE was hard to relate to, but it wasn’t all bad either.
Amber (Rose McIver) is a wannabe reporter at a magazine, with the majority of her work involving editing her boss’s shitty articles. She’s not happy about it but does what she needs to do with hopes that she will get an opportunity to write a story. Prince Richard (Ben Lamb) is ready to claim his throne as king and the magazine needs somebody to cover it, but it’s on Christmas and no writer is desperate enough to take the story…outside of Amber.
At the press conference, Prince Richard never shows up and the press is furious. I’ve been to quite a few press conferences and I have to say that I’ve never seen anything like this before. The press can be ill-behaved but not that fucking crazy. The only one keeping their cool is Amber, but she’s new to reporting. Maybe, if she sticks with it, she will become an obnoxious asshole too. I know there’s a sequel to this. So, maybe, she becomes a jerkoff reporter in it. I don’t know. I haven’t seen it.
When Amber can’t land the interview to launch her career, she sneaks into the mansion and poses as a tutor for Princess Emily (Honor Kneafsey), a girl in a wheelchair. She is led around the mansion by Mrs. Averill (Sarah Douglas) and I kept wondering where I had seen Averill before. I sat there and looked at her and then it hit me. She was in SUPERMAN 2. She was Ursa and she was hot…not so much now, but she’s held up well for an older lady. I compare all older women to my grandmother. It’s a fair comparison. My Nana looked like 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag. So, if I’m comparing you to her, you’re going to make out alright.
Amber meets Prince Richard and starts to learn that he’s not the dickhead that he’s been portrayed as in the media. It was fake news. #fakenews. Why didn’t they call him “Prince Dick”? If my name was Richard and I was a prince, I would want to be Prince Dick or King Dick when I accepted the throne. They should let me write one of the sequels to this one. I’m going to write a screenplay and submit it. “A CHRISTMAS PRINCE: KING DICK’S REVENGE.” They’d have to kill off his entire family and he’d have to get a machine gun and take out all the bad guys.
Princess Emily takes a liking to Amber and vice versa, but the secret is out. Emily discovers that Amber is not a tutor at all and is doing a story on the family. She lets it go but she isn’t the last one to uncover the secret. Richard’s cousin, Simon (Theo Devaney) and his ex-girlfriend, Sophia (Emma Louise Sanders), are complete pricks and want to stop Richard from becoming king and there’s a way. When Amber uncovers that Richard was adopted, Simon can now assume the throne instead. On top of that, Simon and Sophia let the cat out of the bag about Amber and her romance with the prince and everything falls apart, but this is one of those Xmas romance movie things and you know that Prince Richard isn’t going to be throwing shit against the wall, screaming “Simon that fucking cocksucker ruined my fucking life,” as he wraps a rope around his neck and jumps off a chair. That wouldn’t be romantic unless it was something about auto-erotic asphyxiation.
We find out that Richard can still be king and Simon and Sophia get theirs at the end. Amber leaves the mansion and quits her writing job to work with her dad at his diner. Her friends try to set her up with some dude, but she turns him down and plans to just hang out with dad. King Dick shows up and the two make a love connection and that’s that.
A CHRISTMAS PRINCE probably wasn’t written for me. If I was a prince, I’d probably love it. If my family wasn’t total white trash and I had some title, maybe I’d find a lot of enjoyment in it. This is one of those girl films. Most girls dream about meeting a prince with money falling out of their asses, right? So, this film must be for them. It was watchable, but I didn’t feel romantic enough about King Dick.
