By Geno McGahee
I typically like movies about wishes because I always want to be granted wishes. I have some people that I don’t like and I would love to wish myself into Superman powers so I could fly them to the moon and leave them there and also get rich too. So, a film about wishes and Christmas-related was a must review for me. How could I go wrong?
Laura (Elisa Donovan) is struggling at work with her asshole boss, Jack (Fred Willard), who has a plan to fire 15% of the employees because they’re not providing results. He starts by calling two employees “Frick and Frack”, and fires them, which was pretty funny. I don’t know the origins of the term “Frick and Frack” but I like it. I want to say it to people. “Hey fuck you Frick and Frack!”
Morgan (Michael Bergin) is Laura’s boyfriend and he breaks the news that he is quitting his good job to follow his dreams to be a novelist. This wasn’t good news for her, considering that she was hoping that he would propose. Her life is just in shambles all around and there is so much uncertainty and chaos.
Laura meets Noel (Chonda Pierce) and it turns out that she is an angel and is giving 12 wishes to Laura and now the fun begins. I suffered through about 20 minutes of bullshit to get to the wishes part. I began thinking about what I’d wish for if I were her and immediately thought about wishing a moose raping her boss. That’s a good gift. Maybe two moose that she named “Frick and Frack” could double team him. That would still leave 11 wishes, but sadly, the wishes all sucked.
She begins by wishing for flowers to be sent by Morgan and it immediately happens. I get it. She didn’t believe that it would work. So, I give her a pass on this one, but the rest of them are equally shitty. She wishes for her friend, Faith (Sarah Thompson), to have a great idea to keep her job. She wishes for new shoes and for her man to get a book deal. She is fucking terrible at asking for wishes.
Another wish that Laura makes it to ruin Sandra (Gabrielle Carteris), after she steals Faith’s idea. She then wishes for her neighbor, Harry (Michael Gross), to be out of her life after he won’t stop making fucking noise. I don’t blame her. I used to have an old guy neighbor that was always making noise and then he died. I didn’t wish for it but maybe somebody else did.
The 12 wishes come and go and so does the film’s pacing. This is a rough go and it’s not very festive. Despite the Christmas time setting, this film does nothing to capture the holiday. It almost seems like they forced the holiday into the film to sell it, which happens and I understand it, but damn, I don’t feel the joy I feel with holiday movies that I typically watch.
After the wishes are complete, Laura learns that there are consequences. Sandra lost her job and can’t afford her medical bills and is now working at a coffee shop. I’m sorry. If somebody was a complete piece of shit and fucked everyone over and they got fired, I could care less what their personal problems are. Fuck them. That’s Karma baby.
Her man, Morgan, starts fooling around on her after she gets him a book deal with one of the wishes, but you could see that coming. Don’t worry though. She found a new guy immediately. Andy (David O’Donnell), works with Laura at some dog sanctuary, and had a hard on for her the second he meets her and his dad just so happens to be Harry. That’s the same Harry that Laura wished out of her fucking life because he was a dick head and was far too loud. Now she understands why he’s so loud and obnoxious. He had a rough life. What the fuck?! Most people have a rough life and they don’t become assholes because of it.
Laura connects Harry and Andy and out of the blue, Harry becomes a nice guy. He was out of Andy’s life for 30 years and didn’t pay one fucking dime of child support and now is accepted with open arms by everyone. What bullshit.
12 WISHES OF CHRISTMAS is terrible and doesn’t make a lot of sense, really. The pacing sucks. It’s not a holiday movie by any means. I don’t recommend this one at all.
