By Geno McGahee
Lifetime has started their Christmas movie run and their first new film is CHRISTMAS ON ICE, a film based in Worcester, Massachusetts, and I have to give the film immediate credit. They chased off all the homeless people and drug addicts that are often seen on the streets of Worcester to make it seem like a wonderful place.
The film starts off with the focus on a statue of a man apparently raping a turtle. That doesn’t seem very festive. I could understand if the turtle was wearing a Santa hat. What the hell possesses an artist to create a statue of a man raping a turtle? Is that statue in Worcester? It must be. I’m tempted to drive there and verify that they are into that stuff.
Courtney (Abigail Klein) loves her job at the Oval, a skating rink in the middle of Worcester. She’s probably happy that they chased off all those junkies and bums. While working, she notices that a young girl, Grace (Meara Mahoney-Gross), falls down. She leaves the customers at the stand and goes to help Grace. She then skates with Grace while the people still stand there, waiting for service. I can imagine the group talking and saying “can you believe this shit? She left us here with our thumbs up our asses.”
Mayor Greenwood (Will Lyman) is meeting with Noah (Ryan Cooper), a famous hockey player, and has some bad news for Courtney. When Noah leaves the meeting, he collides with Courtney, which happens a lot in movies. I’m always tempted to just collide with somebody and help them pick up whatever it is that they dropped. In this case, it was paperwork. In other cases, it could be pornography. If that was the case, I would not help the dude pick that shit up, especially if he smirked and winked at me.
Courtney learns that the Mayor is shutting down the Oval and that Noah is opening up a skating rink of his own. Courtney now must raise a lot of money to keep the Oval open and to keep the Christmas carnival going. The Mayor is a dickhead and seems to have a hard on against the Oval. I have to give Will Lyman credit. I really liked his acting in this. I wish they put more of him in it and gave him more material to work with. I would have loved for him to enter every scene and tell somebody off.
Beth (Caroline Portu) is Courtney’s roommate and also works for the Mayor, despite him being a prick. I think we’ve all worked for a complete dick weed, but she takes it in stride and is a pretty happy person. This is what I like about Christmas movies. There is so much joy. When I worked for a prick, I always came home mad and if I saw a Christmas tree, I pictured shoving it directly up my boss’s ass. Thankfully, I’ve grown since then. I think I could be like Beth. I could be happy even with an asshole boss now that I’ve matured.
As expected, Courtney and Noah start to be a thing. Remarkably, Grace is the daughter of Noah and wanted him to meet the nice girl that helped her skate. What a small world. We find out that Noah’s wife, Grace’s mother, is dead. Noah hasn’t been with a woman since. He had tears in his eyes like he hasn’t even looked at porn since.
In another small world moment, (Spoiler), the Mayor is the father-in-law of Noah and that’s why that prick hates Christmas. His daughter died and he blamed Santa 100%. Grace calls the Mayor “Oompa” and I think that it must mean that he has an Oompa Loompa fetish. Or it means Grandfather.
Courtney confronts the Grinch Mayor that stole Christmas about his dead daughter and his hatred of all things Christmas. He says “for tomorrow, I know, all those Who girls and boys, will wake bright and early, they’ll rush for their toys, and then… Oh the noise! Oh the noise, noise, noise, noise!”
What a prick the Mayor is. He has a death in the family and fucks Christmas for the rest of Worcester? Courtney decides to name the Oval after the Mayor’s dead daughter and then everything is cool. I think Oompa needs to grow up.
Courtney wears a low cut top to approach the city council and they quickly approve whatever it was that she was asking for. “Oval? Sure. Whatever the fuck that is, give it to her.” Usually, nothing happens with a committee. I hate committees, but when there’s an incredibly hot lady showing up, all bets are off. If Noah showed up, the city council would have looked at him and said “what’s with this douche bag,” and it would have been no deal. Courtney needed to handle this one.
The Mayor turns from the Grinch to a holiday lover and encourages his son-in-law to hook up with Courtney. What about the Mayor? Does he have a lady friend? I think that’s part of his problem. He ain’t getting any and he knows that, as the Mayor, the press is ready to attack him for any indiscretion. He can’t even go to a porn shop without getting front page headlines of “Mayor Perv buys dildo.” I would buy and frame the paper if that was the headline.
So, the Christmas Carnival is a huge success, the Mayor is no longer a cocksucker prick and Noah and Courtney become a big thing. The Oval is saved and the bums and the junkies may have been thrown into prison to clean up the streets. Whatever works.
CHRISTMAS ON ICE is pretty slow and it’s not the best film to launch the Lifetime holiday film run, but it’s not unwatchable. The cast is very good. I think Ryan Cooper went a little overboard when he was in happy mode, but I can live with a little overacting. I guess I recommend this one if you like the Lifetime/Hallmark Holiday movie approach. I wouldn’t watch it again and it’s no classic by any means, but if you pretend that Oompa means Oompa Loompa fetish, you’ll get a few chuckles.
