By Geno McGahee
I’m not a huge superhero fan, but there are few films that I enjoy like IRON MAN and THE DARK KNIGHT. As a kid, I loved the SUPERMAN series and I decided to see if the first one, the most popular one, stood the test of time. I immediately began noticing some very fucked up stuff and so this review, as all my reviews are, is as much observation as it is a review of a film.
We begin with Jor-El (Marlon Brando), holding a huge crystal and pacing around three criminals: Zod (Terence Stamp), Ursa (Sarah Douglas) and Non (Jack O’Halloran). Behind the criminals is a huge screen of some sort with the faces of the judges that will decide their fate. I’m not sure why they didn’t take the time to show up for the sentencing? I know that they think that Zod and his friends are dickheads and deserve to be killed, but the judges should have had the class to show up and tell the group face to face that they are sentencing them to the phantom zone.
The call had to be unanimous and Jor-El is the final vote, sealing their fate. Zod doesn’t go quietly, screaming that Jor-El was going to kneel and then so would his heirs. I thought he always said your ass, not your heirs, but it didn’t make much sense unless Zod’s plan was to ass rape Jor-El. Perhaps that was the plan and maybe he does say “your ass” and I heard it right the first time.
Now, Jor-El knows that the planet is going to explode, but the rest of the government will not allow him to warn the people, and they also think that he’s wrong. I kept wondering why they were wearing shiny clothing as they all were. I guess it was supposed to look futuristic, but if I was talking to a dude and he was glowing, I would not be able to focus on the conversation.
When you think about the fact that they got rid of Zod and crew from a planet destined to explode, it’s fair to say that they did them a big favor. Had they not done that, the evil trio would have been dead. I see no reason for Zod to hold a grudge. Maybe Jor-El was looking out for them after all.
There is some power blip and the supposed friends of Jor-El are blaming him and plan to send some guy in a white leather mask after him. That’s fucked up. They also threatened to send him to the phantom zone too if he didn’t shut the fuck up. Jor-El should have teamed up with Zod and said the hell with these so-called friends. Any “friend” that would send a man in a leather mask after you is NOT a friend.
Jor-El is able to send his son into outer space to save him and they choose Earth for the destination, but I could see the wife wasn’t too comfortable. She even mentioned that he would be alone and would have issues. What she was really saying was: “Jor-El, can you please choose a fucking planet with less registered sex offenders?”
The planet blows up and Jor-El watches as everyone that doubted him falls to their deaths. That had to feel good. “Send a guy in a leather mask after me, huh, mother fuckers? Well, now karma came and bit you in the ass, didn’t it?” I was only 4 when this movie came out. If it happened now, I would love to co-write it. I think Jor-El would have been much better if he used excessive profanity and got revenge for the leather mask guy.
So, he lands on earth and they could have given the kid some shiny pants. Fuck, they had so much of that shiny material, there was no reason for him to be naked. Hell, they could have put sweatpants on him. They stretch. They would have grown along with him.
A couple of old timers, Pa Kent (Glenn Ford) and Ma Kent (Phyllis Thaxter) adopt the kid and name him “Clark Kent.” They don’t show much of the childhood of the youngster. We fast-forward to the high school years and we meet Clark Kent (Jeff East). I felt bad for Jeff East. Sure, he got a great role, but they put a bad Dracula wig on him and dubbed over his voice with Christopher Reeve’s voice. They had a huge budget and they could not do better than that wig? It’s ridiculous.
In high school, Clark is trying to get with one of his classmates, but what’s the point? His father has forbid him from having sex with anyone. Knowing Jor-El, he probably would tell him: “My son, if you use a fleshlight, I will take all of your superpowers away.” That’s how much of an asshole Jor-El was. People are right. There is a fixation on sex in America. Why else would Jor-El give two shits about what his son does?
One of Kent’s classmates, Brad (Brad Flock), is a total asshole and cock-blocks him with the girl he likes. He leaves Kent behind to clean up all the football gear, which is an insult to Superman. Well, Kent gets angry and decides to run to catch up with the group and he does run. He runs faster than a train, but it is a very weird effect they used. The running looked like he took a super dump in his pants but insisted on running as fast as he can. He runs past a window and there is a young girl, noting what she saw. Her parents tell her “Lois Lane, you’re always telling stories.” I hated that part. I don’t know why it bothered me so much. The parents calling her by her full name was so unrealistic and the acting was so bad that it took me out of the movie a bit. I would have rather seen the shitting your pants running scene more.
When Clark catches up to Brad and the group, Brad tells the girls that “Clark is an odd ball.” I would have loved to see Clark say to Brad: “You want odd balls? I’ll make your balls odd.” Then he could kick that cocksucker in the balls and destroy him. Earlier in the film, Kent kicked a football into another galaxy. Imagine what he’d do to Brad’s junk. That’s what he needed to do. I hate bullies. Clark Kent should have took care of that prick, but he didn’t.
We make another big jump and now Clark Kent is played by Christopher Reeve and he is the newest reporter at the Daily Planet. He meets Lois Lane (Margot Kidder) and is immediately snubbed by her. She’s an even bigger bitch when Kent is given her position on the city beat. Why he has a hard on for her is anyone’s guess. When you see how she treats Kent and how she later is enamored with Superman, it’s clear that she likes the power. I’m also going to throw this out there and if you want to send me nasty emails, do so, but Margot Kidder was not attractive. If you have super powers, why not go for the best babe you can? Why settle for a bitchy Margot Kidder?
Another issue I have outside of Superman’s choice in women is the character, Jimmy Olsen (Marc McClure). He is a total kiss ass geek that uses the word “golly.” Remarkably, Kent likes him and mentions it twice in two minutes to Lois. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that Kent wants to bend Olsen over and split him like firewood.
I think Superman is an asshole. He’s a super asshole. As Superman, he’s the man and he helps people and whatnot, but as Clark Kent, his version of humans, he’s a bumbling shithead. That’s what he thinks of humans. It’s no wonder why he likes Jimmy Olsen. Olsen will shine his knob at every turn and he loves that shit. He wants people to suck up to him. He wants all the “stupid, idiot, fuck face humans” to worship him. Maybe he didn’t say that, but he was thinking it.
Lane becomes Superman’s official human contact and she has some inner monologue, noting that if Superman needed love, she was there. What a bitch. She only wants Superman because he’s the most popular guy in the world. She gives Jimmy Olsen and Clark Kent blue balls and uses them for all their worth, but Superman is her guy because he has power. It’s ridiculous.
The bad guy is Lex Luthor (Gene Hackman). I love Hackman. He is tremendous and he does a great job, but they got that guy that got raped in the ass in DELIVERANCE, Ned Beatty, as his sidekick. Otis (Beatty) is just over the top stupid and it’s not believable. I know they like to put comic relief into these films, but Otis takes away from the great performance by Hackman. I liked Luthor’s girlfriend, Eve (Valerie Perrine). She played well off of Luthor. It’s just that shitty character Otis.
Luthor is able to find a frequency that only Superman can hear…and dogs. He demands a meeting or he’s going to kill a bunch of people. Unfortunately, Superman is currently Clark Kent at the time and he must change into the gear. He opens a window and falls out of it. Now you’re telling me not one of the hundred reporters that they have at the Planet didn’t see him jump out the window. It would have been great if Jimmy Olsen ran over to the boss and said “Golly, Kent just fucking killed himself.” If I was at work in a high rise and a guy just jumped out the window, I would have certainly reported it.
Luthor is very taken with Superman and set up some traps for him but nothing works. He walked through fire and then the cold had zero impact on him. That sounds cool on the surface, but I wonder if he would enjoy sex if he really can’t be hurt and isn’t really affected by anything. Any woman would have to go the extra mile to get any reaction I would assume. It probably takes him forever to jerk off.
When Luthor and Superman start duking it out, the film gets really good. Hackman and Reeve work well off each other and represent their sides well. Both have their motivations and understand them. This is where this movie really shines. I think Hackman, had he gone darker, would have been unbelievable, but even this semi-serious version is very effective.
Luthor changes the trajectory of two missiles and then disables Superman by chaining kryptonite around his neck. The end goal is to push California into the sea and turn some desert property that Luthor bought into beach front property. Eve, realizing her mom will be killed, releases Superman to kick Luthor’s ass and save the day.
Superman chases down the missiles, but he shouldn’t have because he father said, early in the film, that he is not to interfere with human history. This is bad, but it’s still human history. Even Luthor calls it history when he notes his plans. If Superman can do this without his dad taking his powers and being a total asshole, then why can’t he chase women during his down time? There is a weird issue that Jor-El has with sex. I bet his wife hardly put out and he took it out on his only son. He was also probably depressed because he was going to die and nobody believed his story about the planet exploding. By the way, I bet that the fucking shiny shit that they wore led to the planet exploding. They absorbed too much heat.
Superman cannot stop both missiles and it ends up causing all sorts of shit. He does his best to save some people, including a bus full of kids and a train full of people, but he can only do so much. There’s too much ground to cover. He does manage to save Jimmy Olsen’s life as he was hanging on to the collapsing Hoover Dam. He came up from behind and lifted him to safety, noting “I got you kid.” That’s the most action Olsen ever got I bet.
I’m going to say something else that won’t be popular here. Margot Kidder is a shitty actress. They should have gotten somebody else. She must be related to somebody to secure such a role. When she is buried alive, she starts screaming and it’s just so painful to watch. She cannot act.
Lois Lane dies in her car, which really pisses Superman off. I’m glad Jimmy Olsen wasn’t with him anymore. With that anger, he may have misplaced it and punched Jimmy’s head right off his shoulders. Instead of doing that, which would have been awesome, he decides to fly around the globe, making it go in reverse, to turn back time. That doesn’t seem fair to all those people that were ready to cash in on their insurance for all the damaged property from the natural disasters.
The Superman scream was so loud when he realized Lois was dead. I thought for a second that his red panties that he wears were too tight and were squeezing his super junk, but I guess it makes more sense that he was upset about losing his number one girl. I guess. Maybe both.
So Superman saves the day and Lane lives again. And she is a total fucking bitch when he sees her on the way back. She bitches him out. They barely know each other and he’s willing to put up with this fucking bullshit? Imagine what she’d be like when he’s got a ring on. She’ll have him by his super balls.
Remarkably, Superman turns Lex Luthor and the guy that got ass-raped in DELIVERANCE to the police. After all the shit that Luthor pulled, Superman should have flown them both to the moon and left them there. Why did he let that prick live? Now when he flies more missiles and kills more people, it’s on Superman.
Why did Christopher Reeve just give me a flirty smile? I wrote this review while watching the film and he just smiled at me. I have a big TV and I looked up and I feel like I was sexually harassed by Superman. It was super harassment.
SUPERMAN is a decent superhero movie. Reeve and Hackman are awesome. It’s a little slow but picks up in the end and is definitely the best of the Superman movies that I’ve seen. I recommend it. It’s held up well.
