By Melissa Antoinette Garza
I should have seen THE GRINCH! Where to begin with this mess?
I love the story of Robin Hood. The Kevin Costner version and Disney adaptation are my favorites, but I like the older ones too. I never was inclined to see the Russell Crowe version, but when I saw the trailer for the new one it seemed like fun.
I heard it wasn’t doing well. I heard it flopped pretty terribly, but I blamed that on poor advertising. I didn’t even know when it was released. With the hubby out of town for the week, I decided to hit up the movies with my mom and sis. Why did we go see this?
There are so many issues with this film and it’s so all over the place that to pinpoint the problems in a review is rather difficult. I’ll try to go step by step or more accurately misstep by misstep.
We begin during the Crusades where Robin Hood (Taron Egerton)is fighting for the church, but is appalled by the wrongful execution of the Moorish/Muslim people. Little John (Jamie Foxx) is in a line waiting to be put to death when he sees his son being decapitated. He tries anything to free him and Robin knowing the death is wrong attempts to stop it. He fails, but this solidifies a friendship between John who follows Robin back to England on a ship.
First, I thought this could have SOME hope. If a solid friendship between John and Robin was formed the way it had been in ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES (1991) between Azeem (Morgan Freeman) and Robin (Kevin Costner) it could have worked. Only that’s not the route it goes. Instead, we have sort of a weird ROCKY (1976) style montage where John teaches Robin the tricks of thievery and protection. It’s so misplaced. Admittedly, Foxx was the only one selling anything as far as acting ability, but the scene is just odd. There’s virtually no setup. There’s no real friendship formed – and there’s so much opportunity for it.
Robin comes home to find out his girlfriend Marian (Eve Hewson), who is by far the worst Marian of all time, is dating someone else. She was told that Robin was dead and so she hooks up with Will (Jamie Dornan) a wannabe politician resistant to fighting the Sheriff of Nottingham (Ben Mendelsohn). A few things should have developed from this.
John and Robin should form a friendship based on relationships. John had most certainly been with women before. He had a son. There could have been a deep talk, accompanied by flashbacks that made these men and their relationships stir emotion, but they didn’t. John tells Robin to keep quiet to Marian about being the thief and nothing. That’s it. Remember in PRINCE OF THIEVES when Azeem (Morgan Freeman) asks Robin if she’s worth dying for and they catapult themselves to save Marian (Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio). I love that scene. It gives me chills. There was nothing like that here. The male comradeship is not only non-existent, but the comradeship between the citizens and Hood is non-existent.
Then there’s the love triangle that never is. The movie is so bi-polar about Will Scarlett. This is one occasion where the actor isn’t to blame because they have him playing two different roles within the same character. First, Will is just the guy who picked up with Marian and is starting a life with her. This could be good. It’s a rivalry between two good men. I could get behind that – sort of like Christian Slater’s Will Scarlet and Robin Hood, but before you know what’s going on (Spoiler: You never do) Will is SCREAMING at Marian for working with Friar Tuck (Tim Minchin) because he’s afraid it will ruin his political aspirations. Then, he’s a nice guy again. He teams up with Robin and Marian to take down the Sheriff, but then he gets injured when he sees Marian kiss Robin. He not only shuns her but then goes completely evil and teams up with the church in an unearned alliance and plea for a completely unjustified sequel.
It’s mind boggling how badly they fucked this up. It’s ROBIN HOOD! At one point, a guy cold-cocks Marian and off camera you hear Robin say he’ll get him later for that. Then, Marian’s fine and nothing comes of it. How did that stay in the film? What the fuck? Give me back my money! He’s Robin Fucking Hood! Have him drop down, kick the shit out of that fucker, kill him with a bow and escape with Marian. If you’re worried that it looks sexist, have her save him later. This isn’t hard! Fuck you, Movie!!
Then there’s Jeremy Corbyn – I mean – Donald Trump – I mean the Sheriff of Nottingham (Ben Mendelsohn)…actually no, I mean a combo of Corbyn and Trump. I do not mind politics being woven in to classic films. In ROBIN HOOD it should be simple to do. He’s a guy who STEALS from the rich to give BACK to the poor. He’s a liberal hero (not this Hood, but most) – without question, but seriously, this was so hamfisted in and is such a repetitive hammer to the head! The Sheriff stands on a podium sort of like THE HUNGER GAMES (2012) and tries to rally the people into the war efforts by playing on their fears of Muslims/Moors coming over and ruining their way of life. Seriously, that’s what he says. Later, when they fight back their clothing is made to look similar to the wardrobes of ANTIFA. It’s such a ploy to get people to like this shitty film. It’s a way for the director to say, “Do you see the parallels? Do you get it? I’m so smart!” No asshole, you ruined a film because you felt that people were too stupid to understand your point if you made it nuanced. You spoke down to the audience which is why your movie flopped and I’m glad it did. I want my $10.00 back!
Marian – urgh…do I even want to start with her? I hate her. I’ve never hated a Marian. NEVER! Disney’s Maid Marianne was a fucking badass. This one is just all over the place, dishonest, empty, soulless and just a shitty person. She runs around behind Will’s back constantly and about everything. She has zero emotion EVER. When told Robin is alive after thinking he was dead for 2 years, she reacts as if someone said she won a free newspaper subscription. They try to make her tough, but they just make her robotic. They played down any sexiness so that you took her seriously, but there’s nothing to take seriously. The closest we get is a short-lived plan she has with Tuck that is never developed or explained. None of the plans are.
This is a horrible film. There’s not a redeeming quality other than Foxx tried. I give Foxx kudos for trying.
But everyone else – sooo bad! They wanted this movie to be so goddamn serious that they took all the fun out of it and what is left feels as though it was written by a hundred different writers – and everyone was super concerned about not offending anyone about anything.
I hate this movie. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. And now, I’m going to go watch ROBIN HOOD PRINCE OF THIEVES (1991) and watch a real fucking badass chick help Robin take down the Sheriff using every asset she has. Don’t downplay a woman’s wiles because you’re afraid of them. Assholes. The people who made this film are assholes.
In conclusion, fuck this movie. I put more effort into this review than they put into that whole goddamn thing.
Scared Stiff Rating: 0/10 #NotMyRobinHood
