By James Witherspoon
Yo, check this out. I was looking through my inbox and sifting through my emails and I got a few man. I got over six million emails last night and they all want to know what I think about this viral video about some bald geek stealing a wallet. Really? Really? Nice try fella.
Let me paint the picture for you here. They were shooting this flick in Hollywood called “REVENGE OF THE SAMURAI COP” and some weird goof came on set and stole a wallet and hid it in the strangest of places. YA HEARD! Now, this guy is an EBT warrior and soy boy and the story had a happy ending until he met up with Bubba in his cell. YA HEARD!
Now, I don’t know shit about this story man. I had to hit up the arresting officer, Sgt. Myles Willington to give an update and is ready to break some big news. Get ready to be shocked out of your shorts. YA HEARD!
police
“My name is Sgt. Myles Willington. I’m a police officer. I carry a badge. Now, the wallet found on the set of REVENGE OF THE SAMURAI COP was dusted for prints and you will not believe what was discovered. The prints matched the prints on the 19 inch dildo in the Great Dildo Heist of 2018. This is a huge breakthrough and I’m happy to say to the good people at Dildo Land that we got the goof. He has already admitted to stealing the wallet and 10, 348 dildos and is planning on paying restitution, starting by selling the dead rat on his head that he calls a wig. It looks like the good guys won here people.”
Yo, a dildo heist? Thanks for your service, Myles. Now, you won’t believe who wanted to chime in on this one! American Idol’s own, and my boy, Taylor Hicks! He had the following to say:
“SOUL PATROL! To that dildo-stealing, wallet-swiping, loser: As a ‘man’ you are not, as a person with morals, you are not, as a rational & smart thinking individual you fail again and in a whole plethora of dildos. Quite simply, to the thief, you are detestable, selfish, sociopathic lower form of life with no thought for anyone but your own pig headed dimwitted sense of self. I pray we never meet in person as I will show you no mercy. SOUL PATROL! In future try using that laughable joke of a brain in your cranium before opening that loathsome contemptible hole masquerading as a mouth, you rat-wigged wearing, dildo stealing geek! SOUL PATROL!”
(Comments may not be those of Taylor Hicks)
