By Melissa Garza
“I think you’re going to need a bigger dick.” Hooper (Alexis Ford)
Much to my husband’s delight, I’m a fan of horror porn parodies. I’m actually a fan of any porn parody done right. The oldschool Batman one is fantastic. I’m awaiting my “A Wet Dream on Elm Street.” I’ve always wanted to see Freddy Krueger get some – though I wish it was Robert Englund playing the part, it’ll still be a fun watch.
There’s something great about this genre of film. One, adult film actors and actresses are able to show their talent and abilities as actors with dialogue. I’m not diminishing how difficult the sex portion of the movie is, but it’s also great to see the range the actors have. I must say that Dale DaBone, Evan Stone, Alexis Ford, and Jayden Cole all have the ability to go far in film – porn or otherwise. They have great comedic timing and perfected the performances they gave.
Porn parodies are a great way to spend time having fun with your spouse. They’re fun, well- acted, and have a plot that makes the sex scenes easier to enjoy. Speaking as a woman, we need background to their characters and storylines, to really get into the romancing – even if the whole story is comedic and there’s 0 seriousness, it’s nice to have some real dialogue in-between the hot lovemaking.
“This Aint Jaws” opens with a blonde sexing down her boyfriend and then going for a night swim where she is devoured by the shark. The death scene leaves a lot to be desired but it is the first one, so for the opening sequence it’s definitely watchable.
Chief Brody (Dale DaBone) finds the woman’s necklace next to a shark’s tooth. He attempts to close down the beach but the very sexy Mayor Vaughn (Jayden Cole) refuses. Marine Expert Dr. Hooper (Alexis Ford) does her best to help the chief stop the shark. She finds out that the shark is a great white which is 25 feet long. She convinces the mayor into getting professional shark hunter Quint (Evan Stone) to help. The mayor relents and then the two have a very hot sex scene together.
Quint shows up and agrees to help for $5,000. His costume is absolutely hilarious. It’s so over-the-top and helps with the ridiculousness. He advises Brody to go home and make love to his wife as it may be his last time. The chief listens and gives his wife Ellen (Darcy Tyler) a fond farewell before setting off to see with Hooper and Quint.
Immediately, they put their strategy into motion and threw chum in the water to bring the shark to them. It worked and the shark came for blood. The shark is CGI but honestly for an adult film they really did do well with it. It looks like something in between a video game and a “Resident Evil” movie.
Another great aspect of the film is that they offer you a 3D version. On the website Adam and Eve it states it only works on 3D televisions but it’s not true. It comes with two red and blue old fashion 3D glasses. For those who would rather see it in 2D the DVD comes with both versions.
The conclusion is expected as it comes right from the movie it parodied.
Overall, it’s a fun movie with enough sex in it to make the adult film fans happy and enough jokes and points of homage to make Jaws fans happy. I would definitely suggest watching this with someone that you love. For women and men alike, “This Aint Jaws” is more fun than it should be.
Scared Stiff Rating: 7/10
