By Geno McGahee
I love disaster movies. They are usually a lot of fun, except for the asteroid ones. I don’t like those, but the others I usually really like. With all the snowfall that we’ve recently been getting in New England, I felt that watching THE PERFECT STORM was the ideal
George Clooney plays “Billy Tyne”, a fishing boat captain. I need to stop right there for a moment. I can’t see Clooney as a fishing boat captain and if you saw him, would you ever guess that his name was “Billy”? He’s too stuck up looking to be “Billy.” I would think that his name would be Winston or Myles. I know that this is based on a true story but the real guy is dead. He won’t mind if we change his name to “Winston” and throw in the back story that he was a wealthy guy that bought a boat to fish with and is just pretending to be one of the guys. Clooney…what an odd choice.
So, Billy is hitting a dry spell and not making much money. They can’t bring home the fish, and the crew is not too pleased, especially Bobby (Mark Wahlberg). We have Billy and Bobby. I wouldn’t go on a boat with guys named Billy and Bobby. That sounds like a couple of dudes that would drug you and rape you. Anyway, Bobby has a girl, Christina (Diane Lane), and they are totally smitten with each other. Diane Lane does her best to convince us she’s a New Englander with a forced accent and a New England Patriots shirt. I was ready to object, but every asshole from here wears a Patriots tee shirt. So, good job movie.
Bob Brown (Michael Ironside) owns the boat, Andrea Gail, and isn’t happy with Billy and is ready to get another captain. Ironside, as always, is tremendous in this role. His disgust with Billy’s work performance prompts the fishing boat captain to make an unusual decision. He’s going to go right back out fishing at the Flemish Cap, which is a ways out there, but Billy is certain that he will be rolling in fish when they go out there. He gets his crew ready, but Christina doesn’t want Bobby going out there. She has a bad feeling, which I’m guessing is just some movie stuff to make it more dramatic. Bobby vows it will be his last and agrees to join. Going for the trip is Murph, played by John C. Reilly of STEP BROTHERS fame. Reilly is a great actor and he proves it here, although I prefer him in a comedy. I’m just a big fan of STEP BROTHERS.
Sully (William Fichtner), Bugsy (John Hawkes), Alfred Pierre (Allen Payne) make up the rest of the crew. Sully was a weird choice for a crew member, considering that Murph’s wife had an affair with him and there was a lot of bad blood. Why would Billy bring him aboard, outside of to be a dick? Alfred Pierre is a guy that just gets pussy all of the time, which upsets poor Bugsy. He has nobody until he finds the heavyset Irene (Rusty Schwimmer). The two hit it off and she assures him that when he returns, he’s going to get some hot sex. Seeing the look on Bugsy’s face, I would advise the crew to sleep on their backs during this trip.
So the Andrea Gail is headed for the Flemish Cap, but there is a storm brewing that just might be the perfect storm. You can probably guess that it is considering what the title of the film is. Along the way, some weird shit happens, including a shark jumping aboard and attacking Bobby. Billy runs out with a shotgun and busts a cap in the shark’s ass. I’ve never seen a shark shot in the head with a shotgun before. Good show.
Sully and Murph can’t stop fighting but then become friends with Murph gets launched overboard and Sully comes to the rescue. It’s that great moment in movies where they say “hey you fucked my wife, but you saved my life. I love you. I will always love you.” With the crew all chummy again, they make their way to the Flemish Cap and get a shit ton of fish. The crew knows they are going to cash in, but there is a big problem. The ice machine shit the bed and the fish will go bad if they stay at the Flemish Cap. So, they got to make a decision. They can stay and the fish goes bad, or they sail right through the forming storm to make it to market. They elect to sail through it, but fellow fishing boat captain and love interest of Billy (I think), Melissa (Karen Allen) isn’t happy. She screams “Billy don’t be a hero” but the Andrea Gail is “one hell of a boat” according to Bobby and they forge ahead.
The incredible storm fucks over a lot of people, including a sailboat and some rescue guys in a helicopter. The Andrea Gail is now officially missing and all of the friends and family have gathered at a local bar, which was weird. I can understand Irene being there…she lives there I think, but Murph’s family and Christina and Bobby’s mom all being there at the bar seemed odd. When we get a major storm here, I don’t run to the local bar with all my friends and family, but then again, much of my family can be found at the bar. They are raging drunks. Don’t work either. I’m off topic here. I’m sorry…
Bob Brown comes in to make a statement that if anyone can make it, Billy is the man. Christina attacks the poor guy and he keeps his composure, even though he’s getting hit over and over again. He was probably afraid of what Bobby would do if he lived and found out that Bobby returned fire. Ironside is tough, but Wahlberg would fuck him up I bet. Good call by Ironside. Just trash her behind her back to his friends was the route to go. “Then the crazy bitch hit me,” he could say.
So, the film follows the typical thrills of a disaster movie, leading to a great effect where a monster wave takes out the boat. The boys say their goodbyes and remarkably, Bobby talks to Christina and she hears him. I’m not sure what’s worse, floating in the ocean until you freeze to death or drown, or go down with the ship and drown for sure. Both are really scary, and that’s why disaster movies are so good. As the viewer, you put yourself into the place of the characters and think about how you would respond. I would punch Billy in the balls, blaming him entirely. He was, after all, the captain. Fuck him. It’s his fault.
THE PERFECT STORM is an awesome film. Clooney, even though he’s out of place, does a good job delivering a dramatic performance. Wahlberg was born for this film. He was perfect, although he seemed to overplay the accent. Points go to Reilly for the tear-jerking scenes concerning his son and his separation from him. I was really impressed with Reilly and his diversity. I highly recommend this film. It may not represent New England perfectly, but close enough.
Rating: 8/10
