By Geno McGahee
Every Xmas season, I watch a lot of holiday movies. This year, I have stumbled across the made for TV film THE MISTLE-TONES, which is not much like SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT, but it’s still an Xmas movie. So, I gave it a shot. It was a car accident. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t, and I found several things very interesting that I will talk about in this review.
The story is that there is a huge show at a local mall where all these groups are vying to be called the best. One group, the Snowbelles, led by Marci (Tori Spelling), has ruled the competition and took it very seriously. First observation is that Tori Spelling looks horrible. She’s never been that hot to begin with, but she had to have had some terrible plastic surgery. She looked like Chyna from the WWE.
Holly (Tia Mowry-Hardrict) wanted in with the Snowbelles, but she was rejected, even though her mother was the one that founded this group. This is a lot of fuss for a mall gig. Whatever the case, Holly decides to get together with her co-workers and start her own group, The Mistle-Tones. It doesn’t go too well in the beginning, but that’s when she finds out something about her asshole boss, Nick (Jonathan Patrick Moore).
Nick may be an asshole at work, but he lets loose when he does karaoke. Holly goes to a bar and sees him singing “Burning Love” to the crowd’s delight. Elvis must have been spinning in his grave. It was amazing how all the chicks went crazy for him and even the dudes of the bar were impressed. The bar owner actually allowed this guy to dance on the bar itself. Holly catches this spectacle on her phone and then blackmails Nick. He has to help her group or she will expose him for the karaoke crotch thruster that he is. Made for TV and he’s thrusting his crotch in his dancing? Where are the censors when you need them?
Holly and Nick begin digging each other, but there is zero chemistry. I wonder if they actually like each other in real life. Their kisses in the film are barely that. They just press their faces against each other until the director calls “cut! Can you actually fucking kiss?!” Is this a religious movie or something? I know that some Christian movies won’t put anything remotely sexual in a film and may consider a little tongue kissing just that. Now, before you say anything, I know this is a Christian movie because it is about Christmas, BUT I’m thinking it may have been made by real holy rollers rather than those just trying to capitalize on the holiday.
With all that crotch-thrusting, I was quite surprised his kissed her without passion. I get the vibe it must be Tia Mowry-Hardrict that was the problem. Her husband was probably there and he’s not one of those guys that gets turned on watching his wife kiss another guy. People these days.
Now, Holly’s father (Reginald VelJohnson), is so disrespected in this film that he is just listed as “Holly’s Dad’’ in the credits. Can’t you give him a name? He was the guy in DIE HARD! Yes, he was also Carl Winslow in FAMILY MATTERS too, and I never trusted his relationship with Urkel. That “Do the Urkel” dance screamed pervert. Look at the title: Do the Urkel. Who did the Urkel? Laura didn’t. And remember how hideous Carl’s wife was. Not that I’m condoning his possible actions. Whatever the case, I’m naming Holly’s father, Carl, since the filmmakers decided not to. He deserves a name, especially on Christmas.
Carl is only there to remind Holly that her mother is dead. They hug, and then a few scenes later, he reminds her. “Holly, your mom is still dead.” “I know dad! You don’t have to remind me every five minutes. Go do the Urkel fatso.” I cannot believe the writer would add lines like that to a made for TV movie. Then again, I am going strictly on memory and I may not be quoting it on the money.
So Nick helps the group and he actually agrees to be part of it and help them take down the Snowbelles at the mall showdown. Unfortunately, Nick has a work engagement and they have to go on without him, pissing Holly off. What does she expect? The girls at the bar were ready to screw him right there and she won’t even kiss him the right way. She’s lucky he helped her at all. You can tell that she is one of those “save for marriage” sort of chicks. Carl Winslow, I don’t blame you for cock-blocking for Laura when that nerd reject was trying to get into her panties, but you screwed yourself here!
At the contest, I figured out why the Snowbelles kept winning. Every group was allowed about 20 seconds to perform, but the Snowbelles were given five minutes. I felt bad for some of the extras in this film. During the contest, they have these male strippers dancing and flexing their boobs and the crowd erupts, including a lot of old dudes. You know they were like “Grampa, you want to be in a Christmas movie?” “Oh, you bet. I also wanted to be in a movie and this goes well with my Christian beliefs.” Then they have some muscular dude packing 18 inches slapping the old bastard across the face, knocking his false teeth out while the director screams “you’d better act like you love it you crypt keeper!” The extras seemed to really enjoy the contest, cheering like crazy for every act.
In the end, the Christmas spirit hits everyone, and the non-kissing couple get together, but there was something that I found amusing. OK, her dad and stepmother are watching the show as Holly storms away. She walks and walks and, all of a sudden, Nick and the group are singing in the middle of the street. She turns around and her parents are there to encourage her to go for it. How the fuck did they get there so fast? You would think she would sense them trailing her. And how fast can VelJohnson walk? He’s not getting any thinner. If we are to believe that he made it there that fast, he should have been gasping for air while his wife said: “Holly walk slower next time. Your fat ass father is about to die here.”
THE MISTLE-TONES is not a holiday classic by any means. I found it was so bad that it was good at times, and I was amused by some of the odd and unrealistic things I witnessed. I guess you could do worse. It’s what a made for TV movie about a mall competition should be, right? What the fuck did you expect?
Rating: 3/10
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