By Geno McGahee
I love the Hulk TV show, as you can probably tell by my many reviews. With some time on my hands, I elected to watch and review another episode and I came across “THE BEAST WITHIN” on the episode select screen, which featured a gorilla that had an expression on his face as if he just nutted. What the fuck is this episode about, I wondered. Did Hulk make it with an ape?
David Banner (Bill Bixby) got a job at a zoo, picking up animal shit, basically. He is teamed up with Joe (Charles Lampkin), and this dude is a total piece of shit. Everyone has a guy like this at work. He has the most menial job in the world and he is the first to say that the bosses are doing everything wrong. As Banner shows interest in Dr. Baxter (Caroline McWilliams), he brings up that an orangutan and lion cub had died on her watch and had she spent less time researching aggression in animals and more time “doctoring,” those animals would have been alive. Who the fuck is this guy? He shovels elephant shit for minimum wage. He is in no position to critique Baxter.
Despite Joe trashing her, Banner introduces himself to her and she is quite shocked about his knowledge of her work. “You are not the typical idiot moron shit head fuck face with an IQ of 20 that they hire here David.” I think that’s what she said. I’ll watch the episode again to confirm. As they talk, Banner notes that he has some medical background and did some “animal husbandry” too. WHAT?!!!! Mother fucker can’t marry an animal and if they were going to say that he married the orangutan that died earlier and screwed it to death, I would NEVER watch another episode again. Thankfully, husbandry apparently means that he bred animals and did not marry them… but it doesn’t mean that he didn’t have one hell of a honeymoon with that orangutan.
Rita (Billy Jean Beach), the receptionist, has no problems discuss private business in front of Banner as he walks in alongside of Baxter. She notes that the money guys aren’t happy with how Baxter is spending their grant money and that they may just pull out if she doesn’t get shit right. When they go inside the lab, David sees Elliot, a large gorilla, and one of the least convincing gorilla costumes in the history of film. The Three Stooges had a better gorilla costume and that was like 40 years before this. They got a real chimp to their credit, but they got a very bad ape suit for the stunt guy to wear.
As they look at the chimp, Banner says that “he’s more my size.” What an odd comment. I’ve heard guys say “she’s the right height” when they are short and are at crotch level and I can’t help but to think that he’s making a blow job reference. Foolish. Remember that lady that had her face bit off by a chimp? If Banner was planning what I think he was planning, that chimp might just bite hit junk clean off. “Don’t bite my dick off. You wouldn’t like me if you bit my dick off.”
To the shock of Banner, Baxter has followed and built upon his work. Banner is totally psyched to hear her speak of his work in glowing terms until she says that he was “long-winded”. His expression screamed it all. He wanted to say: “I’ll show you long bitch,” but he didn’t. He is a gentleman, after all.
We meet Carl (Richard Kelton) and he’s a total asshole and obviously the guy that Hulk (Lou Ferigno) is going to fuck up as soon as he can. He tells Baxter, right in front of David, that he can get her grant money if she puts out, basically. Doctor Malone (Dabbs Greer), Baxter’s boss, comes in next and is a total ass as well, telling David to get to work and to go shovel shit. It has to be fucking terrible to be Banner, one of the best minds in the country, a doctor making great money, to have to take these menial fucktard jobs and then be bossed around by mental midgets. The only benefit I can think of is that by being dead, he didn’t have to pay his student loans back. Good. Fuck student loans. I’m glad they got screwed by Banner.
There is something fishy going on at the zoo and Banner senses it. When he sees Carl taking the chimp out and claiming that it’s dead, Banner gets a closer look and realizes that it’s just in a comatose state. Malone comes over and kicks David out of there, but the decision is made to either kill Banner or scare him. What method will they use, I wondered. Maybe they will shoot him. That’s probably the easiest way. Nope. They are going to drug up Elliot the gorilla with the aggression drug and lock David in the cage with him. That won’t be suspicious at all. I guess it doesn’t matter in the end. They knew that we wanted to see Hulk vs. Gorilla and they gave it to us.
The fight between Hulk and Elliot is epic and hilarious. I loved when Hulk fought the bear and tossed that cocksucker across a lake, but this even beats that. Hulk usually doesn’t play dirty, but he hit that ape with one hell of a dick punch. He also threw him through a table, WWE style, and made poor Elliot run back into his cage. Elliot got some shots in and held his own for a bit, but I’m telling you, that dick punch took all the life out of him. I also loved how Elliot looked around and found a microwave (I think) and threw it at Hulk. I know gorillas throw their own shit at people, but I didn’t know they threw appliances as well, but then again, how many gorillas have access to microwave ovens?
The Hulk runs through the zoo, has a moment where he eats peanuts with a little girl, which I always hate those Frankenstein-like moments, before he hauls ass out of there. His presence brings that fucking pain in the ass, Jack McGee (Jack Colvin), and this is the last thing that Banner needs. With this asshole showing up so much, you’d think that Banner would just Hulk up and chase that little shit down and then beat him to death with a rock or something. Considering that most people deny the existence of the Hulk and the newspaper is sick of flying McGee around, that they would stop covering it if McGee came home in a body bag. Hulk saved so many people. I think he should be allowed to kill on nuisance without people judging him.
The game is up and it turns out (spoiler if you care) that Malone and Carl were smuggling in diamonds from South Africa and making a shady deal that was making them both rich. When they find out that Baxter and Banner know, they kidnap them both and plan to inject Banner with the aggression drug to kill him and are going to throw Baxter to the lion. As Malone tries to shoot up Banner, he Hulks up and takes off, just knocking Malone down, barely. I hate that. Malone was ready to kill him. Malone talked to him like he was a piece of shit. Hulk should have taken Malone and beat his head against the wall until his entire face fell off and then took that syringe and shoved it up his ass sideways and then tea bag him before he left. Did I go too far with that? Nah.
The plan to toss Baxter to the lion could work and could be explained as a terrible accident, but when she kicks Carl, he decides to run her over with a car instead. That is going to be tougher to explain. “Yes, the lion somehow drove the car and ran her over officer.” “The lion sleeps tonight my ass.” Oh shit. Isn’t that the perfect reply if the cop said that?
Hulk saves the day and Banner has to leave town again, but he got a kiss in. I’m sure he jerked off in the bathroom too before hitchhiking away. What a great episode this was. I love the addition of a gorilla and the total absurdity of this episode. I was laughing the entire time. I highly recommend this one.
Rating: 8.5/10
