By Melissa Antoinette Garza
Growing up in Massachusetts and specifically living in Springfield MA, Dr. Seuss is kind of my man. The SNEETCHES is my jam, but I adore the original books and cartoons of HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS, THE CAT IN THE HAT, THE LORAX, HORTON and even ONE FISH, TWO FISH, RED FISH, BLUE FISH. You see what I’m saying, I like Dr. Seuss. I’m a fan.
I’ve grown accustomed to the film adaptations failing to capture the Seuss magic. THE CAT IN THE HAT (2003) was a train-wreck from jump. The only highlight was watching Alec Baldwin make the ass out of himself, I always knew he was. (Yep, still haven’t forgotten what he did to Kim Basinger. Fuck Alec Baldwin! He’s an asshole).
I didn’t hate Jim Carrey’s HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS (2000). It was cute enough and had a romantic angle I can get behind. I get kicks out of seeing weird creatures get together so that was up my alley. It was toned down, but there was some heat coming from that Who chick.
When I saw the trailer for the new THE GRINCH (2018), I didn’t hate the look of it. I know many did. I thought Benedict Cumberbatch’s voice was shit for the role, but that wasn’t enough to turn me off. He’s a good actor and he emotes the lines, but the voice isn’t the Grinch. It’s like your granddad trying to read the Grinch’s part and doing an impression of what he thinks the Grinch would sound like. It’s a bit distracting – at least for me, but your 7 year old probably deals with this type of thing more maturely than I do.
The first thing I noticed after throwing in THE GRINCH was that the narrator sucks! I looked it up and the guy doing the narration is Pharrell Williams. He always wears weird hats, but has that cool song HAPPY that Weird Al Yankovic parodied as TACKY – I love Al’s version. Here, Pharrell fucking sucks – just the wrong guy. He sings THE GRINCH opening song, but he does it in his snazzy jazzy style. That would be fine in the real world, but here I want Dr. Fucking Seuss. I’m here for nostalgia. Again, your 7 year old probably loves this dude so…..good for them. He still sucks. Get a better kid. I don’t know what to tell you.
We do get a few funny scenes of the Grinch fucking with the Whos. He pushes down a snowman and tells those mo’fos off which is delightful. Then we get a glimpse into his dark sad backstory. He gets angry and decides to fuck the shit out of Christmas.
Meanwhile, Cindy-Lou Who (Cameron Seely) wants Santa to help her overworked mom. When the Grinch finally steals Christmas and runs into Cindy, he’s touched by her plea.
Cumberbatch is okay here. His voice still annoys the shit out of me, but beyond that he does have the right inflection. I can feel where the Grinch is coming from. He’s sympathetic at times, but that is part of the problem. He’s too sympathetic. Give me some of the evil! Go Eartha Kitt on this baby.
The real issue is that it’s just not funny. It doesn’t add anything other than a weird trap Santa subplot about the whole helping Cindy’s mom bullshit. It sucks. It takes quite a bit away. It’s not THE CAT IN THE HAT bad. I didn’t want to beat the shit out of the toolboxes who made the film, but it could have been worlds better.
It’s difficult. As an adult who likes the mean side of the Grinch, I want to see him screw with people. I know in a kid’s movie, it needs to be delicately done. I get that, but then delicately do it. I’m not saying have him blow up buildings or slap some Who bitches up, but give us a little more asshole. Have him turn all the Who peeps against one another; vandalize their houses and steal all their shit. Then, pin it on their neighbors like something weird out of STEPHEN KING’S NEEDFUL THINGS (1991). That would be hilarious! Kids would love that shit – if they were cool kids. Raise a cool kid. Don’t raise a shit kid who likes Pharrell Williams as the narrator.
We do get some endearing moments between The Grinch and Max which are cute. Props given, but there is too little of that.
As for Cindy-Lou Who (Cameron Seely), I hate the character. She sucks so bad. Nothing against the actress – it’s the fucking character. She dreadfully annoying. She’s a goodie-goodie. Cindy-Lou is always a goodie-goodie but this is too fucking much. She’s just the most altruistic piece-of-shit character in the universe. Not to mention, she’s doesn’t have knees or her legs are too short for her torso. I don’t know. I’m high and I don’t like it, though. When I’m a bit more sober, it may be fine.
Overall, I can’t recommend this. I want to, but it just kind of sucks. It’s not the worst thing. It’s watchable. I rented it out of Rebox for $1.75 and that’s what it’s about worth. Sadly though gotta say, #NotMyGrinch.
Scared Stiff Rating: 4.5/10
