By Melissa Antoinette Garza
Shows like THE CRYSTAL MAZE make me so angry that we didn’t have YOUTUBE in the early 90s. While America suffered watching buckets of slime get poured on participants in DOUBLE DARE and NICKELODEON GUTS, England viewers were treated to the delectable, hilarious, charismatic and brilliant Richard O’Brien hosting a hilarious, spirited and genuinely exciting game show that showcased tests of intellect, skill and physicality.
Growing up, I was not a fan of NICKELODEON game shows. I know a lot of ’90s kids just added me to their hit list, but the truth is the truth.. LEGENDS OF THE HIDDEN TEMPLE (1993) was the best of the bunch, and even that didn’t have a memorable host or an energetic feel. Back then, I would have killed to have been able to watch the creator of ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW (1975) and SHOCK TREATMENT (1981) bring his fantastic flare, whimsy and downright sexiness to TV.
Some may have noticed YOUTUBE promoting recent clips of THE CRYSTAL MAZE, which is currently hosted by Richard Ayoade. Now, I love Ayoade. He’s funny, charming and without question, a huge reason THE IT CROWD (2006) was as successful as it was. Not to mention, GARTH MARENGHI’S DARKPLACE (2004) was one of the funniest parodies of all time. Even on game shows like THE BIG FAT QUIZ OF THE YEAR, WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID? and 8 OUT OF 10 CATS DOES COUNTDOWN, he’s always awesome. Still, there is and will always be only one Richard O’Brien and nothing compares to the original run of THE CRYSTAL MAZE.
Without question, it is O’Brien who makes the show. As the guests try to complete the tasks, at hand, within the allotted times, O’Brien plays the harmonica, kicks over set pieces while explaining to the viewers that he’s a rebel, sings about the insane life of Mumsey, dances, discusses fashion and tells the quirkiest anecdotes in the most interesting of ways. I just love that man so much!
In one episode, when the computer tells O’Brien that it has a headache, his response is, “I wasn’t going to try to make love to you.” No other game show host or person could have pulled off that line. There is something special about O’Brien where he can say, wear, or do anything and it not only works, but it becomes the most memorable component of whatever you’re watching. I could go on and on – and since it’s my article I will. O’Brien is just delightful! He’s fascinating and captivating, fetching and irresistible, wickedly clever and brilliantly quick-witted. To be clear, I’m kind of a fan.
As for the show itself, it focuses on four time zones within the crystal maze. In each zone, there is a series of games that must be completed. The team’s captain designates which participant is going to take on which type of task (mystery, skill, mental or physical). The contestant is locked into a room with an allotted time frame and if successful will win a crystal. Typically, if the individual thinks they can’t figure it out, they are able to leave the room, but if the time runs out, the door is locked. To get the person back, the team has to forfeit a crystal. There are certain games where a lock-in can be triggered simply by errors, but the same forfeit rules apply.
In the end, the team enters a crystal dome where they are provided 5 second intervals based on the amount of crystals earned. While in the dome, gold and silver pieces of foil float. The object is to get the gold and avoid the silver, as every piece of silver cancels out a gold. If the sum is over 100 pieces, the team wins an array of fun prizes. If not, they still get a cool crystal …..and they got to meet Richard O’Brien, so they got the best prize. Screw them! Ummmmm, I mean. That’s nice. I’m happy for them and not at all jealous (I’M SO GODDAMN JEALOUS).
Sadly, the only place to obtain copies of the Richard O’Brien years, is either on the episodes uploaded onto YOUTUBE or on a bootleg. I will never understand the disinterest in moneymaking when it comes to certain things. Do the powers-that-be not understand how avid O’Brien fans are? There are so many of us out there who will buy anything with him in it. I don’t even know how many copies of ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW I own. I know I have both the 35th and 40th Blu-ray Anniversary Specials (which are the same disc wise, but came with different gift items). I would have never purchased EVER AFTER: A CINDERELLA STORY (1998) if not for his role in it.
My point is, there are many of us who want to hand over cash, for legitimate copies of this. While I’m talking about it, we also want legit copies of THE INK THIEF (1994). I know it’s off-topic, but it’s an amazing series starring O’Brien; and, if we’re being honest, the topic was really O’Brien, so it’s not too far off.
On track, just find the original series, by whatever means necessary (no judgement until a real release is issued) and enjoy the absolute wonder of Richard O’Brien. For a lazy Saturday or Sunday afternoon, I can’t recommend a better show to binge-watch. I noticed in a few episodes, he wore a pair of handcuffs on his waist. I want to see the games he played with those. Please!
Also, screw you 1990s America! You didn’t tell us this was out there. We could have had Richard O’Brien and you gave us slime! I hate you.
RICHARD O’BRIEN RATING: 11/10 – YES, BETTER THAN PERFECTION
