Paranormal Activity
Some people like to sit down with their loved one on Valentine’s Day, and watch a classic on-screen romance; perfect couples like Harry and Sally, or Romeo and Juliet. We say go the other way: watch movies featuring really terrible, dysfunctional couples and make yourself feel a million times better about yourself.
Take the central couple in Paranormal Activity, who share their house with a demon. Katie and Micah are not the brightest pair, nor are they very likable. Micah won’t stop playing his dumb guitar, using his camcorder, or buying Ouijia boards when he’s not supposed to. And Katie is constantly complaining about being terrorized by demons, being dragged around the house by her feet. She is also unable to sleep without being possessed and made to stand creepily over her hubby. I mean, get over it crybaby! Seriously though, this movie is still scary as all hell. Grab your nearest bae this Valentine’s Day, and be terrified together. Because that’s what love is all about.
The Loved Ones
Kids, when someone asks you to a Valentine’s Day dance, be careful what you say. If you’re going to say no, here are useful rules: 1. Smile and be gracious, thank them for asking you. Be honest and forthright, but be also considerate of their feelings. Maybe offer to hang out at a different date. 2. Don’t let your spurned would-be date see you making out with someone else in your car 3. Don’t be intoxicated and wandering out on your own anywhere near their house.
In The Loved Ones, Brett follows none of these rules. And as a consequence, Brett ends up tied to a chair in the murderous Lola’s house, her initials carved into his chest.
Don’t be like Brett. Follow the rules and stay safe during any and all Valentine’s Day events this year.
Bathory
It’s important to note that not all people enjoy chocolate hearts and teddy bears on Valentine’s. Some people, let’s say, would prefer their red…. Before the days of Twilight and the obsession with cannibalistic vampires began, there was Erzsébet Bathory, a Hungarian countess. After an incident in her underground hospital that left Bathory poisoned, the local witch, Darvulia, saved Bathory, but only for a price. Darvulia will grant Bathory a life of eternal beauty if she were to sacrifice her reputation and love, first. Of course when Bathory is seen bathing in tubs of red liquid, with buried corpses found nearby, people understandably start to get suspicious. We’re not ones to judge, but it kind of looks like Bathory is taking gluten free to an entirely new level.
Tromeo and Juliet
We all know the original story of forbidden love between the Capulets and the Montagues, Romeo and Juliet, but have you ever heard the second most romantic story of forbidden love? From the master minds that brought you The Toxic Avenger comes a modern revamped version of the classic Shakespearean tragedy. And by modern, we mean present day including lots of blood, weapons, drugs, sex, and even more uncomfortable situations. If that wasn’t enough to sell you, I’m sure the fact Tromeo and Juliet is narrated by Lemmy of Motorhead will.
Devil In The Flesh
Devil in the Flesh is a tale as old as time. Girl falls in love with her English teacher. English teacher is engaged and rebukes her advances. The girl then starts murdering his friends, and he worries that his fiancé might be next. On top of that, we have a fundamentalist Christian grandmother who would make Carrie’s mom beam with pride, and the girl’s predilection for threatening people with a gigantic butcher knife. And of course, said Girl is played by Rose McGowan (Scream, Planet Terror, Charmed), who somehow leaves the impression of being absolutely terrifying but also more than a little beguiling. It’s hard to say whether Rose McGowan will continue to be one of the premier scream queens, as she’s now busy with directing (her debut, Dawn, was nominated for the Grand Jury Prize at Sundance), singing, and hijacking political galas. But if not, we’ll always have Devil in the Flesh.
Bitten
Meet Jack, a lonely paramedic working the grave yard shift after his girlfriend dumped him. He meets Danika, a woman covered in blood, who refuses to go to the hospital. Despite all inhibitions most people would have, Jack takes home Danika and nurses her back to health. The inevitable happens and he falls in love with Danika, and promises he will help her get through what appears to be her drug withdrawal symptoms. After a shocking plot twist, we soon find out that she is not a drug addict in the slightest, but is in fact, a vampire. I know when I’m thinking of romance, I think of my partner relying on my blood supply to survive!