By Melissa Antoinette Garza
As much as I’m always full fem, sometimes I am just a teenage gal in a woman’s body. On days like that, TEACHING MRS. TINGLE (1999) is a great place for me to go.
Leigh Ann (Katie Holmes) is an A student in desperate need of a scholarship because her deadbeat dad who doesn’t contribute still claims her on his taxes. She’s neck and neck with another student Trudie (Liz Stauber). Trudie is a bitch. She doesn’t need the scholarship, but doesn’t give a fuck. She just likes to screw with Leigh Ann and has a competitive streak that kills any hopes of a decent personality.
Making matters worse is that Leigh and Trudie’s teacher is a despicable wench! Mrs. Tingle (Helen Mirren) pushes everyone around including the principal (Michael McKean). She knows he’s fallen off his AA wagon and subtly threatens him into do her bidding. She simply unredeemable and ……..oh how, I love her so!
She chides everyone. Though she looks like an intelligent librarian, she’s a vengeful dominatrix. When Leigh’s best friend Jo Lynn (Marisa Coughlan) does her history presentation as Marilyn Monroe, Tingle mocks her. When another student brings a crossbow to class, she allows him to nearly kill someone before scaring him with threats of criminal charges and when pretty boy Luke (Barry Watson) tries to be a sarcastic rebel, she embarrasses him by bringing up his unsuccessful father. She’s wicked. She’s terrible. She’s absolutely breathtaking. I adore her.
Still, as sexy as she is doing all her evil deeds, it isn’t fair to poor Leigh Ann. Leigh Ann struggled and put together and impressive report. This would have been A material in grad school, but Tingle isn’t having it. She doesn’t like Leigh and so decides to fuck with her. She gives her a C thus ensuring Trudie is going to get the scholarship.
Trudie is a bragging little bitch about the whole thing. In Leigh Ann’s corner is Miss Gold (Vivica A. Fox) who tells her not to give up. Leigh Ann tries to take up some extra credit to get the scholarship spot. She studies in the gym as Marisa watches on. They’re joined by Luke. Maris has a thing for Luke, but Luke only has eyes for Leigh Ann.
He brings beer and a copy of Tingle’s final exam trying to make nice, but Leigh Ann wants no part of it. She gets upset and is about to leave, but Tingle walks in and catches them. She finds the answers for the test. Tingle takes momentary enjoyment in taking them down and then goes to turn them into the principal. He’s left for the day providing the trio with a short window to stop her. They do it. They definitely stop her. They may have not used the most appropriate methods.
Leigh Ann, Jo Lynn and Luke all go to Tingle’s house that night. They try to talk to her and play on sympathy, but Tingle is no fool. There ends up being a catastrophic struggle and Tingle gets knocked out. Jo Lynn is a goddamn fem rock star when she asks Leigh Ann “should we just finish her.” I love that because it’s such an instinctual reaction. Jo Lynn isn’t a violent gal. She may be a bit naughty, but she isn’t even truly bad – never mind evil enough to murder someone. Still, self-preservation and the preservation of her best friend kicked in. She was ready to throw down and I love it. I love that line so much.
They end up tying Tingle to the bed. Helen Mirren tied down with wild hair, red lipstick and coyly playing victim is a marvelous vision and makes for a great scene. Poor Jo Lynn is no match for Tingle’s lies. Tingle has her wrapped around her finger and Jo nearly sets her free. Thankfully, Luke sees thru the bullshit and stops Tingle from getting away. Is it wrong to say that I’m Team Tingle? I know. I get it. She’s destroying the lives of innocent people – teenagers even. I get that she’s a bad lady, but damn is she a delightful fem and it’s HELEN MIRREN! I can’t be blamed for having good taste in fems.
The trio keep the school at bay by calling Tingle in sick. No one in the administration questions it as they’re happy to have her gone.
Now, Tingle is just so good. Leigh Ann tries to be tough, but the teach knows her number. It’s just great. She ends up causing friction between Jo Lynn and Leigh Ann which is easy to do as both now have romantic feelings for Luke.
Leigh Ann sick of being the good girl jumps on Luke in full fem form and completely goes wild. For a PG-13 movie, it’s a great fun romp. I loved it when I first saw it in 99 and it still brings a decent amount of heat. The duo have great chemistry.
No spoilers though the ending is a bit expected. This is like a teen version of SWIMMING WITH THE SHARKS (1994) and I love it. It’s campy, crazy and led by a mostly full fem cast. Molly Ringwald has a very welcomed supporting role and runs nicely with it.
This is free on HULU and cheap everywhere else. It’s definitely worth the buy. Its odd, quirky and a must for fans of teen cult films like VALLEY GIRL (1983) and LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN (1985).
SCARED STIFF RATING: 7.5/10
