By Melissa Antoinette Garza
ROCK-A-DIE BABY (1989) is a horror anthology with a wannabe heavy metal band singing a song called Spooky Lady after each tale. Not convinced it’s good yet? There’s also a middle-aged woman telling her very young daughter these insanely inappropriate R rated stories, and if that wasn’t enough, television icon Dick Sargent stars opposite a lady vamp in one of them. This is so horribly bad, it’s amazing.
The film opens with the rock band needing to make a new music video. Okay. Then we see the blonde woman on a couch with her kid. They’re weird. They’re very weird and not even horror movie weird. They’re of the “someone call child protective services because this is uncomfortable,” weird. It’s very similar to the uncle telling his nephew R rated tales in DEADTIME STORIES (1986). Their wildly inappropriate, sex-filled oddities that no child should hear.
The first in ROCK-A-DIE-BABY takes place during the Vietnam War. You know, something that little girls LOVE hearing about. A group of soldiers come across a dead body of one of a fellow brother-in-arms. There they find a woman who they take with them. The soldiers talk about raping her in a somewhat joking somewhat serious, but always disturbing way. She is no average woman though. She’s a monster and evident by the rock band after the tale, a very spooky lady.
The second story follows a group of college kids who decide to prank a nerdy girl. They invite her over and do a fake séance to bring back their old professor. It turns out the teacher was a horny lesbian who wanted to fuck the geek and made untoward advances. Not only that, the poor girl didn’t get her deserved high grades because she wouldn’t fuck the professor. Of course, the séance works. So the Zombie Lesbian Molesting Teacher is resurrected. Yep, this was made in the 80s folks. I fucking love the 80s. It’s madness. It’s pure madness. At the conclusion of this bit, we once again are greeted by the heavy metal band singing Spooky Lady. Afterwards, we are reminded that the mother from the beginning is still telling her little daughter these insane ramblings. It’s so fucked up.
The last tale stars Dick Sargent and his character has just married a much younger and more attractive female vampire. That should be enough for you. It starts when the couple take a taxi to a pier and basically fuck in front of the driver. The driver looks and sees in the mirror to see the fem’s reflection is nowhere to be seen. This whole thing is done really tongue-and-cheek, moreso than the rest of the flick. Garlic allergies, breaking mirrors, bad fake teeth and a silly ridiculous twist that will make you laugh outloud all make this worth a watch.
Like the others the last tale does end with the song Spooky Lady. It also shows the mother once again and offers another absolutely delightfully bad surprise.
Currently, this is free on YOUTUBE. Watch this. It’s so bad. It’s insanely bad. It’s purposefully bad. It definitely shouldn’t work on any level whatsoever, but it does. It soooo does. It’s splendid.
Scared Stiff Rating: 6.5/10
