By Melissa Antoinette Garza
I saw this film in the theater on my twelfth birthday with my mother and grandmother. I owned the novelization and loved the Bryan Adams song. Shut the fuck up. I was 12! TWELVE, Goddammit! Summer of ‘69 is good. Isn’t it? Come on, tell me it is!
Despite my love of Everything I Do, I Do It For You having long gone away, my adoration for ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES (1991) is still as strong as ever. I thought I told you to shut the fuck up! The teen fan-girl is still strong with this one.
To put it in perspective, in the last 15+ years there hasn’t been a month that goes by where my best friend and I don’t quote this film back to one another.
“Join us or die!”
“I have a brother? I have a brother!”
“You are strange, Christian!”
“Great one, really? Did you give yourself this name?”
“I will not rest until my father is AVENGED! I swear it by my own blood!”
“Then by God, we’ll take it back!”
“This here is the best us simple men can expect!”
“Fine. You’ll talk. I’ll drink.”
”I am blind, but there are some things I can still see.”
“here’s 30 pieces of silver to pay the devil on your way to hell.” – The next religious dude trying to preach to me is going to get that line. I’ll have 30 nickels waiting.
We quote this as if it is MONTY PYTHON. This is our jam!! I love this goddamn movie. Fuck that other ROBIN HOOD (2018) trash. Put this back on the big screen!
The film opens with Robin of Locksley (Kevin Costner), his best friend Peter (Liam Halligan) and a Moor named Azeem (Morgan Freeman) being held captive, starved and beaten in a dungeon where they await execution.
The three men escape, but Peter is fatally wounded during the run. Before dying, he gives Robin a ring and makes him promise to return to England and give it to his sister Marian (Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio) – THE RING, you perverts! He wants Robin to give Marian the ring. Get your head out of the gutter! I am very disappointed in you guys. Oh wait…you weren’t thinking that. Me either.
Robin tries to bid adieu to Azeem, but he refuses to leave. There’s an oath within his faith where if someone saves your life, you must stay with them until you repay the debt. Locksley tries to relieve Azeem of his duties, but the Moor refuses stating only Allah has that power.
Once in England, Robin is horrified to see what the Sheriff of Nottingham (Alan Rickman) has done to the place. With King Richard (Sean Connery) away the occultist Sheriff does play. He tries to force Maid Marian into a marriage and takes the continuous advice of a wicked witch named Mortianna (Geraldine McEwan). Heading up the Sheriff’s army and tax enforcement unit is his cousin Guy of Gisborne (Michael Wincott). He’s a dick, but he’s a good looking dick. The Sheriff isn’t even bad looking. He could treat his hookers better and he is an attempted rapist toward Marian nearing the end. No question, the man has flaws!
Credit given to the villains, I still am on the side of the hero in this one. Robin Hood is just so goddamn delightful.
Back at home, Robin takes back his land and saves the life of a young boy who killed a deer for food. He then confronts Guy who was going after the kid and warns him to tell the Sheriff that he’s back and will not tolerate that type of abuse.
Upon entering his home castle, he is horrified to see that his father was murdered and finds the corpse hanging from the ceiling. Safe to say, that was NOT the homecoming he wanted. Remaining is Duncan (Walter Sparrow) an old servant who was made blind by Guy.
Duncan says that Robin’s father was murdered because an accusation of devil worship hung over him. Though both know it’s bullshit, the corrupt Bishop (Harold Innocent) sold him out resulting in the execution.
Now, it’s game on – motherfuckers. See how much plot we have. See how much we have going one and the romance between Marian and Robin hasn’t even started yet. I’m still so compelled by this story. We have an immature rich man forced into maturity because of a violent corrupt Coup d’état. He’s hellbent on revenge. All the while, we have a sincere and compassionate elderly companion to Robin, which guides his moral compass in the way his father would. The relationship between Azeem and Robin becomes tighter and more profound with each conversation as we learn more about how the Moor is really just as lost as Robin. Even if not there to save his life, Azeem has no where to go. There two lost souls, from different universes solidifying a friendship on commonalities that one may not on the surface think they share.
It also deals with prejudice. In the beginning both Robin and Peter because of the war feels hesitant to help, but later Duncan and even Friar Tuck ( Michael McShane) make bigoted remarks. Both end up with a better understanding and appreciation for the different cultures and it’s done by actions that occur and genuine empathy. See, how progressive that is 2018 ROBIN HOOD – and in 1991, they weren’t even trying!
Azeem and Robin who were pitted against each other during war, have now formed the tightest friendship two people can share. The filmmakers were just making a great film with solid characters and the back-stories manifested into something spectacularly loving and gentle within two of the most rough-and-tough, alpha-male characters. It is because they paid attention to things like dialogue, pace and compassion. They also didn’t assume the audience were a bunch of idiots. That helps, too.
When Marian is introduced it is in a hardcore fabulously power-fem way. She doesn’t know who Robin is and thinks he may be a thief. She dons a Knight costume and beats the shit out of him. It isn’t until he’s able to burn her and hear her scream that her identity is revealed. Wow, you mean a woman can be both tough and sexy? Next, you’ll say they can also be smart! That’s what makes me so infuriated about the 2018 version. In 1991, we had a Marian who could fight hard, could both intellectually and sarcastically take down the Sheriff and still vamp it up to a 10 in hotness. One doesn’t disqualify the others – and in the 2018 version, Marian was void of it all. They’d rather make her boring and inoffensive than an active participant in the story.
She protects Robin numerous times. When he wants to stay to protect her, knowing it would be his death she screams to Guy that he’s a thief. She forces him to leave. She’s in control and it’s in a believable way that fits the time period. She’s using her wiles. She’s using her brain and if pushed she’ll pony the fuck up and battle it out with the boys. I love her.
When Robin rushes off with Azeem and Duncan on the horses, they meet up with citizens of Sherwood Forest who were run out by the Sheriff and ridiculous taxes imposed. At first, they don’t get a long, but once Robin defeats Little John (Nick Brimble) in an impromptu fight to get across the river, he quickly wins over everyone – well everyone, but Will Scarlet (Christian Slater).
Will has some unresolved anger towards Robin. We find out later that he is Robin’s half-brother and that their father ignored Will to spare Robin. Robin feels horrible and immediately welcomes Will into his family. The duo bond and we have yet another powerful relationship I’m invested in.
In the end, Robin helps the citizens rise up against the Sheriff. They concoct a plan to stop Marian from marrying the Sheriff. Within the plan sexism is again addressed. Little John doesn’t want his wife Fanny (Soo Drouet) to partake in the rescue despite their son Wulf (Daniel Newman) being held captive as a sacrificial execution before the marriage. Fanny tells John to fuck right off, in so many words and is an intricate part despite only recently having given birth. That’s feminism in its purest form. Why is the concept so misunderstood today?
Marian has reluctantly agreed to the marriage because she thinks Robin is dead. She really doesnt have a choice in the matter. That said, when she sees Robin alive at the ceremony, her motivation to get away from the sheriff returns and in power dame fashion she shuts down the event by letting out the epic scream of her love’s name – “ROOOOOOOOOBBBBIIIIIINNNNNNNNN.”
Again, fuck you 2018 ROBIN HOOD.
The Sheriff and the witch trap her and try to make the ceremony go thru, but Robin isn’t far behind and he breaks thru the glass. The battle where good is sure to triumph over evil begins and Azeem finally finds a way to repay his vow when the Witch shows back up in the final moments.
In PRINCE OF THIEVES, there is so much greatness and hammed up depth piled into every moment of this film and just as much hollowness in the new version. I can’t suggest this baby enough. So many will trash it for the wackiness of it and some say Costner was too old for the role, but fuck it – he nailed it. It’s Robin Hood. It doesn’t have to change the world. It just needs to entertain and allow us an adventurous escape. Here that is done fabulously well.
Also, I’m sorry Everything I Do, I Do It For You. You’re still a good song. I don’t care. Judge away!
Currently, this is sitting on NETFLIX and is otherwise very cheap to buy on any streaming platform. That said, this is certainly one to own.
Scared Stiff Rating: 8.5/10
