By James Witherspoon
(ASK JAMES is an unedited piece by comedian, author, journalist, award-winning writer, James Witherspoon. Some things in his pieces may be offensive to some. Reader discretion is advised.)
Y’all know I love my fans. I even like those troll keyboard warriors that hate on me while they live in their mom’s basement and drink their soy milk. This is a free country baby and if you want to yell while your mama makes your lunches and gets you new batteries for your Xbox controller, have at it. Y’all ain’t gonna hear from me about it.
Now, after partying like a mother fucker in the city of sin, I got to my hotel room and jumped into my inbox and saw that I got over 2 billion emails and I picked one at random to answer in “ASK JAMES” where one of you mother fuckers can ask me a question. Since the warm weather is coming, I decided to go with a pool question…
James,
Huge fan. Listen, I got this neighbor and he has this green pool in his backyard and it’s falling apart. I don’t own a pool, but are they really that hard to handle? Then, I wrote this fat fuck a letter and, get this, he can’t read! It’s no wonder he doesn’t have a job! He just sits his fat ass in his backyard and looks at his green pool while me and the rest of the neighbors deal with him. Fat ass fuck. And I live in white trash hick town…he fits right in, but I want that to change too. So, I guess my question is: is a pool hard to maintain and what do I about this fat fuck?
Clark Banker
Yo Clark,
Green pool and a fat ass? Let me tell you this brother. I was a pool boy in my younger days and it was easy. Only a lazy fuck would let their pool get green and fall apart. You go out there and chlorinate and vacuum it and you’re done. Then again, if you’re in hick town, maybe your neighbor is broke and can’t even afford chlorine. You said the cat didn’t have a job. Mother fucker probably has an EBT card that he brings to Aldis to get his 20 cent hot dogs.
Y’all gotta move player. That green pool is going to smell and draw mosquitos and if this next door nuisance can’t read, send that dumb fuck a picture book so he gets it. You got a pool, clean that mother fucker, and Clark, I’ve got your back. You’re in the right man, but these entitled EBT warriors can’t be changed.
Much love Clark.
