By Dash Jordan
Hey kids, it’s Dash Jordan with some breaking news. Let me ask you guys something…what’s the greatest holiday of all time? That’s right, Halloween. Don’t get me wrong, Christmas is awesome too, but you wanna know what my problem with Christmas is? People. People always feel the need to try and rush the Christmas season; practically trying to skip Halloween and Thanksgiving, no less. I don’t know about you, but we horror fanatics are in need for a long-deserved revenge. What do you think director and screenwriter Michael Dougherty?
I think he agrees…
‘Krampus’ is an upcoming horror film set to be released in December of this year. The films will be directed and written by Michael Dougherty, who’s better known as the writer and director of horror-anthology cult classic ‘Trick ‘r Treat’.
See? It wasn’t a typo! Now, for those of you who may not know what the film will be about, ‘Krampus’ will be based the old German folklore of the same name; Whereas Santa Claus is a jolly fat guy in a red suit who eats cookies and rewards nice children with presents, Krampus is a horned monstrosity who would punish naughty children by whipping them, drowning them, eating them and sending them to Hell…In fact, he looks a little something like this:
Jeez, could you imagine that thing crawling down your chimney?
Okay Kevin, settle down. Jesus, you act like Santa Claus was real or something…oh damn.
Anyways, I’m actually excited for this movie. It’s been such a long time since we’ve had a Christmas-themed horror movie. Yes kids, they exist. ‘Black Christmas’, ‘Christmas Evil’, ‘Silent Night, Deadly Night’, ‘Gremlins’, ‘Jack Frost’, ‘Santa’s Slay’ and now ‘Krampus’. The reason for the season is pleasing, and it’s about time somebody starting pleasing the gorehounds. So since some of you people like to prepare Christmas stuff in October, then allow me to be the first to wish the few of you a very Merry Christmas…in the most horrifying way possible.
You’re welcome. Gotta Dash!