By Geno McGahee
We are getting close to Xmas and I am truly in the spirit of the holiday. So much so that I have been watching holiday movie after holiday movie. Considering my love of Xmas movies and my love of Arnold Schwarzenegger, re-watching and reviewing the 1996 film “JINGLE ALL THE WAY” seemed like a must. It’s difficult to find a bad Arnie movie and even his mediocre films are watchable and that is how I will classify this film. It’s mediocre and watchable.
Howard (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is succeeding in business but failing as a dad and husband. He is missing most of his son’s activities and it’s taking a toll on their relationship. At one point, his son, Jamie (Jake Lloyd), has a karate thing and he misses that and that is one that screws the pooch. Arnie has to figure a way to make this right. So he asks his son what he wants for Xmas and he says “Turbo Man” and then rambles off about batteries and accessories in some attempt to be funny or cute. FAIL! But Arnie laughs. It was as forced a laugh as I’ve ever seen from the Sperminator. On top of that, the edit was bad. You can almost hear the director saying “action” and then Arnie laughs. The questionable editing happens throughout the film.
The problem Arnie has (not calling him Howard) is that Turbo Man is the hottest toy of the holiday season and now he must go out on Xmas eve and attempt to find one. He meets up with a postal worker, Myron (Sinbad), and he also is looking to make his son’s wish come true and find the elusive action figure. I don’t give a fuck what anyone says. Sinbad is funny. He actually does a great job with what he was given here. I did laugh several times when he was on screen.
Arnie and Sinbad are now battling each other as they hunt for the action figure, while Arnie’s wife is open game for the scheming neighbor, Ted (Phil Hartman). He makes his not so subtle moves on her and starts trashing Arnie. Hartman even tells him to his face that he’s not going to “bench press your way out of this one.” That was low. Arnie should be given credit for his dedication to the gym and his dedication to being the Sperminator. Hartman was also good in this.
After fighting some bad Santas, roughing up a cop and a radio DJ and battling Sinbad, Arnie finally catches a break. He is mistaken for an actor playing the role of Turbo Man at the Wintertainment Parade that his wife and son go to every year. As Turbo Man, he has the ability to give out a special edition Turbo Man action figure to one lucky kid in the crowd. It looks like it’s all going to work out, but Sinbad dresses up as the bad guy and we have one final altercation, ending with Sinbad being led away with cuffs and Jamie holding the action figure. Amazingly, Jamie gives the action figure to Sinbad because “why would I need the action figure when I have Turbo Man at home?” That sounds like a load of shit to me. That little shit made Arnie nearly kill himself for it and now he doesn’t want it? Ridiculous. I did laugh when Arnie revealed that he was the man in the Turbo Man costume. Hartman’s reaction was hilarious. His fat son says “Jamie’s dad is Turbo Man,” and Hartman panics and says “let’s get out of here!” He actually believed in Turbo Man. That was pretty funny.
There were two big problems in this film that was apparent. One, the direction of the film. While the over the top approach worked with Sinbad and Hartman, it failed with Arnie. Arnie is naturally funny but he was trying to be funny and that never works. Another thing I felt was that his heart was not in this film. He was merely going through the motions. Known for picking his screenplays well, perhaps Arnie saw this one as a weak one but a good money-grab. In END OF DAYS, I saw the best of Arnie. He proved his acting chops. Here he lived down to what many contend he is: a mediocrity that only excels at action flicks.
JINGLE ALL THE WAY is an OK Xmas movie, but it’s not Arnie at his best. In fact, it may be at his worst. He goes through the motions, delivering very robotically, without emotion. The film is helped by Sinbad and Phil Hartman’s performances, but it gets stale and the kids were really annoying. All the elements were here for a good film but the script and more notably, the director, failed. The over the top performances were too over the top, and it didn’t work at all with Arnie. When he is doing karate to win his son over, it’s painful.
As a huge Schwarzenegger fan, I am quite disappointed. You can’t knock them all out of the park, but Arnie didn’t try here, and he wasn’t given much to work with. I recommend it, but it doesn’t belong among the must-see Xmas movie lists.
Rating: 6/10
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