By Sgt. Myles Willington
Ladies and gentlemen, the email bag you are about to read is true. The names have not been changed to protect the innocent. This is the country, USA. I work here. I’m a cop.
Now, I have been very busy lately with the Jeff Epstein case. They have been cock-blocking me on this and I know it’s the Clintons or my ex-wife, Denise. She fucking screwed that guy from Target and thought I was never going to find out and then divorces me and now I’m living in a shithole apartment like one of those EBT welfare fucks that haven’t worked a day in their fucking lives. Yeah, it’s really fun being a cop, protecting the stupid ungrateful dicks out there.
Although blue lives matter and I am a cop, my true calling is writing. I’m at the dawn of a new career if you will. So, to get things going, how about a mailbag? Last week, I asked for questions and got 6 hundred billion questions in my inbox. I’m no James Witherspoon, but obviously I got something.
I NEED A NEW LIFE
Hi Myles, my good friend,
I keep working with this hillbilly guy and we are working on a new film but the big budget that he’s promised, isn’t happening. I’m afraid that he may be lying. I spent all my husband’s money on plastic surgery so I don’t look like a 70 year old whore. I now look like a 68 year old whore thanks to the good surgeons in California. Should I keep pursuing this career or am I dawning on nothingness?
Down and Out in Beverly Hills
Well, Down and Out,
I don’t know a lot about film. I’m a cop. I carry a badge. I will say that if somebody is talking about big money, have them show you the money and you say he’s a hillbilly? There’s one thing I know about hillbillies is this. They are typically liars and cornholing bastards. Watch Deliverance. That movie convinced me to go into the force. I don’t want to be ass-raped by a toothless geek.
JEFF EPSTEIN MURDER OR SUICIDE?
Hey Myles,
I am really curious about your thoughts about Jeffrey Epstein. Was it a murder or was it suicide like they said?
BJ Dunning
BJ,
You’d better no be charging for BJs unless you’re working at the bunny ranch. I’d arrest your ass. But, I have an inside source on the Epstein case that is screaming that there’s a cover up and all the guards have been threatened. The evidence is currently being destroyed and they are doing the most underhanded shit since my wife divorced me for that guy that worked at Target. Oh, she doesn’t go down on guys because she doesn’t like it, but I catch her bobbing her head into the lap of that Target prick? I wash my junk daily. It smells like Irish Spring. Any leprechauns want a mouthful of cock?
I’M NOT A MAGIC LOVER MAN
Myles,
I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I have tried getting girls by using gimmicks. I became a rapper and called myself “Dirty C”, but that went nowhere. I tried going on Facebook and announcing big deals I set up that weren’t real. I robbed banks. I set up my son in it. I tried all sorts of things but nothing works. How do you get girls? What advice do you have for me?
Get girls? My asshole bitch ex-wife left me. I’ve been jacking off ever since. I don’t know a fucking thing about it. Leave me alone asshole.
