By Geno McGahee
In 2001, JEEPERS CREEPERS was released and it brought a monster movie to a time when we were still in SCREAM mode. The overall horror scene was terrible and a mediocrity like JEEPERS CREEPERS shined brightly, but then I started to hear about convicted child rapist, Victor Salva, who also wrote and directed it. A couple of years later, a sequel was released and it tanked quickly. Salva had apparently ran out of ideas and we got a school bus attack of 90 minutes without any of the charm or suspense of the first one. The Creeper was such a good character too and with Jason, Freddy and Michael Myers running their course, it had the potential to be the next big horror icon, but the material just wasn’t good and the monster disappeared but the pervert Salva had one more go at it planned.
JEEPERS CREEPERS 3 was teased for quite a long time and timing is everything, which totally fucked Salva. In 2017, we all knew that the third entry was coming, but so was something else. We said no more to the perverted underbelly of Hollywood and guys like Salva were now being rightfully blacklisted by society for their misdeeds. I don’t know why Roman Polanski and Woody Allen get passes, but Salva, Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein got the big fuck you and JEEPERS CREEPERS 3 became a straight to video release and the chances of the Creeper having a second chance as a horror icon fizzled away.
I saw a petition for all horror fans to promise to never watch this film, but I’m invested. I have seen the first two and I want some answers. This fucking monster has been so mysterious for the past 16 years. It’s time to find out what he is, why he’s here, and why he only comes out once every 23 years for 23 days. That has to be answered here. Victor had to sit down and thought long and hard about this matter and came up with the reasons why this is so…or he didn’t. Yeah, he didn’t. We still don’t know shit. Well, I guess that’s not totally true. We learned a little more about the Creeper (Jonathan Breck).
Now even though this is the third entry, it takes place in between the first and second one, leaving off where the initial one concluded. We have a SWAT team, led by Sgt. Davis Tubbs (Brandon Smith), surrounding the Creeper’s van. I often wondered about this van and who pays the insurance and who does the maintenance when the Creeper hibernates. Well, the van is actually a killing machine with all sorts of things that hurt people including flying spears and these sharp things that slam down that look like really bad CGI, but I can deal with bad CGI. I’m just curious why the Creeper has a van when he can fly. Superman didn’t have a van.
Like most horror and action movies, truck drivers are not treated well. When a tow truck driver (Michael Papajohn) is carting the Creeper’s truck away, the flying demon is not far behind. Now, Papajohn’s acting in this is rather wretched. When he sees the truck being pulled off, his delivery of “oh my god” is pretty horrendous, but still, the Creeper kills him. The Creeper should have left him alone because I sensed no fear in his acting. He was not fearful at all. He was emotionless. But all truckers must die!!! That’s the rule in action and horror films. There is no respect for that occupation and it was good to kill him off quickly. His acting was sinking it quick.
Dan Tashtego (Stan Shaw) has a connection with the Creeper, I guess. He came face to face with it 23 years earlier and has now assembled a team of those that were affected by the creature. They even made up a cool patch symbolizing the beast. It’s not a bad job. They only have to work 23 days every 23 years and they get a cool jacket with a patch. How can you beat that?
Dan wants the sheriff to team up with him and help take down this beast, but he’s not that quick to do so. He just shot everything at it and it did nothing, but they began talking about what they know of the monster and I was pretty hyped to find out more, but all Dan noted was that it “eats to rebuild itself” and that parts left behind from it may hold secrets how to beat it. Thankfully, there is something left behind…a Creeper hand and this is when this film starts to get really strange.
Gaylen (Meg Foster) has not been the same since her son, Kenny (Jordan Salloum), was killed by the Creeper, but at least he comes to visit all the time. This is a strange thing that Salva adds to this story. He added a ghost in the second one and now we have another, but this ghost is not having any bullshit. Kenny, dressed in his ripped up prom tux that he was killed in warns his mother to get out of there and to take her granddaughter, Addison (Gabrielle Haugh), with her, but Gaylen wants to know more about what took her son away and elects to stay. I have to give big props to Salloum for some tremendous overacting here. He should have been in it more, reprimanding other people.
With Dan, Davis and the rest of the Creeper hunting team together and ready to take him on and Gaylen prepping herself to discover more about the monster, we had to inject some younger characters even if they don’t matter at all. Kirk Mathers (Ryan Moore), a jerk that captured a rabbit and tormented it while in the cage. When questioned, he noted that it was survival of the fittest, but a rabbit is not the bet comparison. Anything could kick the ever-loving shit out of a rabbit. Had Kirk captured an alligator, I’d be impressed. They can chomp your dick off … but you’d probably have to expose yourself to the gator first and with Salvo’s background, this is not a good direction to go.
So Kirk goes biking with his group of friends, Jody (Frankie Smith), Red (Justin Dwayne Hall) and Luke (Patrick Thomas Cragin), and they stumble across the Creeper’s van. They begin to talk about the stories and how the monster likes the song “jeepers creepers” which I always found odd. I guess it’s not odd that he has tastes in music, but I find it odd that he would like that particular song. He looks like he’d be a metal head, doesn’t he? He dresses like one. He should be listening to Megadeth or Iron Maiden. That would be righteous.
The group mocks the truck and then Red even takes a leak on the truck, which, obviously, would not go over well with the Creeper. A flying spear comes out of the tailpipe and traps Kirk and then the Creeper shows up to raise hell. He is now doing some new things, including throwing spears, but carefully aiming before he does so. Another new thing is that he can control his truck while not behind the wheel. So, if he can control the truck via telepathy or whatever, why does he need to aim so precisely? Why not just think about where you want it to go and bam? I’m confused.
After killing the majority of these characters, he notices the piss on his truck and I’ve never seen the Creeper so mad before. He also probably doesn’t like guys with red hair. Whatever the case, we get a cool death scene out of it and we see some of the best of the Creeper. There is so much good with this monster, but there is so much bad too that it gets frustrating watching this. Best comparison I can make is the sequels to PUMPKINHEAD. What a great monster but they bent him over and buttfucked him every chance they got with the sequels.
Addison has to deal with her grandmother’s madness and their lack of money as well as she tries to buy hay for her horse. This gives Buddy Hooks (Chester Rushing) the chance to impress her. He buys her horse hay and the two start a romance. Buddy’s father tells him that he can do better, but how much fucking better can you do? What the hell is he rambling about? Buddy made the choice to go way out of his league and give it a go and Addison remarkably said yes. Don’t ask questions. Just take the opportunity and run with it. Jeez. That father of his had no right cock-blocking on this one.
As Buddy is trying to become Addison’s main man, Gaylen digs up the old Creeper severed hand that was buried by her son years ago because….well, I’m not sure why, but she digs it up. She looks at it and it remarkably springs to life and when she holds hands with the severed hand, she goes into a deep trance, which teaches her all about the Creeper, but don’t worry about spoilers. She will not share those things with us and neither will Dan, who shows up and also goes through it. Is it that tough to come up with some concrete rules and reasoning for this film Salva? Why is the Creeper still such a fucking mystery?!
An all-out firefight breaks out to take down the Creeper, but none of it works, as he just goes around and kicks ass and kills some more people, but we finally get an idea of how to stop him, after all these years. You must hurt his feelings. The Creeper, while hunting Addison, finds a sign that reads “We Know What You Are.” The Creeper is devastated by this note and starts sobbing loudly and then screaming. Why did this note bother him so much? Did the person who wrote the notes in I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER also write this one? If so, they got one hell of a response here. That one letter cripples the poor Creeper as he just sits there and yells. Now they know that every 23 years, all they need is a pad and a pencil and to write down mean things.
We end with a returning Trisha (Gina Philips) from the first one, talking about how she is going to kill the Creeper and get revenge and then she looks right at the camera and starts talking about how badass she is. I was hoping that she would be more involved, but I’m also curious as to when that was supposed to take place. If this movie takes place right after the first one, then she has aged a lot in a few days. She looked good, but she’s obviously older and changed her style dramatically. Considering she was sitting in front of a computer, I think she knows the key to beating the Creeper. It’s mean note time. “Creeper, you are a fucktard.” That will get him sobbing.
JEEPERS CREEPERS 3 is a world better than the second, but it has the same shortcomings as the first. The characters are hit or miss, with some just being there to be killed without any development and others that are well developed and interesting. The Creeper is still awesome, but the nose vagina he had, the killer truck addition and his whistling and walking took away from the intensity. Some of the visuals were great and the film did have a good style about it. I wish that Salva, after all these years and all this wait, could have shown more focus and could have answered the questions.
I kept thinking that the Creeper was the molester side of Salva. He was showing the molester monster that dwells in his soul, but then I thought…fuck him. The Creeper didn’t molest anyone. It was him. But despite him being a creep in his own right and part of the Hollywood scum machine, I still liked this movie. It wasn’t as good as it should have been, but it is a huge leap forward from the second entry. I recommend it.
Rating: 6.5/10
