By Geno McGahee
The early 2000s was a very good time for horror. It may have been the last really good time for the genre, but I’m optimistic it will eventually rebound. If you were lucky enough to going to places like Hollywood Video and Blockbuster, you had plenty of good stuff to sift through and there were cool things like the 2005 MASTERS OF HORROR from Showtime and the AFTER DARK HORROR FEST. We had it good. So, I took a trip down memory lane and dusted off my MASTERS OF HORROR DVD set and decided to watch some 2005 horror.
INCIDENT ON AND OFF A MOUNTAIN ROAD isn’t a title that would amaze you, but I can live with a bad title. It is directed by Don Coscarelli, who I call the “PHANTASM Guy,” since he was behind that great series of films and, thankfully, he included the Tall Man, Angus Scrimm, in this short film.
Ethan Embry plays “Bruce”, a real prick that will do anything to prepare his girlfriend, Ellen (Bree Turner), for battle. I wonder if this film led to his role as a similar asshole in VACANCY. I don’t find either role as annoying as his role in VEGAS VACATION as Rusty. It wasn’t his fault. VEGAS VACATION sucked donkey cock.
I’m surprised that Ellen didn’t realize that her man was not right. Before he proposed to her, he held her down and gave her a weird look. It was one of those weird looks that you wouldn’t trust him alone with a sheep. She looked beyond that, but love can make you blind. A lot of good women marry complete douche bags and Ellen was one of them, but things go from bad to worse quickly. Bruce wants her to be Sarah Connor from TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY, but I’m not sure why he’s so insistent.
After a knife fight gone wrong, Ellen decides to leave her man, which leads to some madness in the wilderness. Ellen finds herself trapped in the woods with some big bald dude named “Moonface” (John DeSantis). When it comes to scary bad guys in film, Moonface won’t make the top of the list. I didn’t find him very scary or even cool. They should have spent more time on his look. I know some people are terrified of bald people. They often have nightmares, wondering if the carpet matches the drapes, but outside of those people, not many tremble in fear over the idea of a bald tall man chasing them down. I am more afraid of tall guys that are bald but wear a bad hair piece that he believes looks legit.
I kept wondering where the hell I recognized Bree Turner from. She has a very unique look and I knew I saw her before and it finally hit me at the end of the episode. She was the clerk at the pet store in DEUCE BIGALOW: MALE GIGOLO. I don’t care what anyone says. That movie fucking rules.
Ellen is now battling Moonface and gets locked up in a basement with Buddy (Scrimm), awaiting certain death, but her training from her crazy ex-husband has prepared her for any battles with the bald. Turner does a great job as a believable bad ass and she really is the highlight of the film as she battles the less than fantastic monster, but what would you expect from “Moonface”?
INCIDENT ON AND OFF A MOUNTAIN ROAD has some twists and turns along the way and it’s a lot of fun, getting better as it goes along. It’s got some TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSCRE in there and some THE HILLS HAVE EYES, I suppose, or I’m just connecting bald bad guys, which I may be doing. Considering they both have bald bad guys, it’s fair to say that there is a connection even if it’s just by a hair.
Bree Turner should have gotten more horror roles. She could have easily fit in with an I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER or SCREAM movie. She could have been in a sequel to this that I would title: “HELP, THAT TALL BALD GUY IS BACK AND HE’S STILL BALD.” I hope Hollywood doesn’t steal my idea.
I recommend this one. It was a lot of fun.
