We’re a few days into August, meaning that sadly, tragically, summer is almost over. It’s time to do as many outdoor activities as possible before the weather cools; time to hit the beach, time to go swimming, time to drink cheap beer with American flags printed on the can. But the thing is, August is hot. Really hot. Too hot. So sometimes, even though we know that we should seize the opportunity to get outside before fall, the end of summer is the perfect time to curl up in air conditioning and watch a movie. To assuage you of any guilt from staying on the couch, here are some horror movies that will bring the beach to you but will also keep you from wanting to go to the seashore for a long, long time.
Destined to Be Ingested
If you won the lottery, wouldn’t you go on vacation? Perhaps one spent sailing amongst tropical islands, with plenty of champagne and caviar? It sounds good to us, but for the characters of Destined to be Ingested, as you can tell from the title, it didn’t go so well for some wealthy American tourists who ended up ravaged on an island of cannibals. This Occupy Wall Street-style fantasy is a mix of beautiful scenery, bloody gore, and, oddly enough, a love story betwixt omnivore and cannibal.
Surf Nazis Must Die
Surf Nazis Must Die features the titular gang fighting for control of an increasingly lawless Los Angeles. Lead by Adolf, “the fuhrer of the beach,” the Surf Nazis kill gang members and innocents alike, including a young oil rig worker, Leroy. The movie really gets going when Leroy’s mother decides to avenge her son’s death, breaking out of her retirement home to annihilate the gang. This ridiculous movie, which Roger Ebert famously walked out of in 1987, is like The Warriors meets Blaxploitation meets, well, Nazis. It’s best to watch after turning off one’s sense of political correctness.
Devilfish
The majestic ocean is perhaps Earth’s final frontier. The deep sea is a mysterious world filled with environments unexplored, plants unidentified, and creatures unknown. For example, the Devilfish! This film’s titular monster is a military-engineered crossbreed of an octopus and a prehistoric creature that proceeds to terrorize the coast of Florida. The notorious beast significantly culls the Florida population, in a film ceaselessly derided by the B-movie-mocking series Mystery Science Theater 3000. Devilfish will scare you! It will thrill you! And in our case, it will make you desperately crave calamari.
Barracuda
Barracudas are creepy-looking, snakelike fish that, in the Caribbean, are often grilled into delicious filets. (Dinner) tables are turned in Barracuda, the movie, when humans become the filets! Watch as a chemically modified barracuda terrorizes a coastal town, chowing down on divers. The barracuda seems to prefer the taste of ladies in small swimsuits, but he doesn’t discriminate, eating scientists, fishermen, and even dogs. See the ocean turn red with blood, as Barracuda proceeds to kill everything in sight.
Psycho Shark
Psycho Shark may be a movie that primarily consists of teenagers splashing at each other in bikinis, but this shallow footage belies the psychodrama that lies beneath. Who is killing tourists on an idyllic beach in Japan? Is it the serial killer leaving behind bloody fingerprints? Or a giant, merciless shark? Stay tuned to find out! Vanity Fair may have said that Psycho Shark was “best forgotten,” but we at Popcornflix will never forget it. Watch it and dream of an idyllic vacation with sexy ladies on Okinawa. Well, that and an evil, spectacular CGI shark with a taste for human blood.
Blood Hook
Summer in Wisconsin is home to the “Muskie Madness” fishing festival, a veritable cornucopia of fishing-related activities and merchandise. For some, fishing is a sport that inspires both relaxation and a sense of triumph. For others, it’s deeply boring. In Blood Hook, however, fishing at Muskie Madness is a conduit to murder, as an ingenious serial killer hooks his victims like fish. Seriously, though – you have to give this guy props for coming up with an incredibly innovative way to kill. This movie will reel you in. Watch Blood Hook to learn about techniques for human fishing – they may or may not come in handy on your next trip to the lake.