By Dash Jordan
Hey kids, it’s Dash Jordan! Hope you guys are enjoying Devil’s Night, and I hope you’ve all also enjoyed my Top 8 Halloween Films…because tonight, you’re entering a world of pain.
…Don’t EVER complain about Rob Zombie again!
‘Halloween: Resurrection’ is the eighth and final installment of the original ‘Halloween’ series from 2002. The film is set three years after the events of ‘Halloween H20’, where we see that Laurie Strode is locked away in a mental hospital, Michael Myers is still alive(through shenanigans) and returns to his childhood home which is now used as a set for a ‘Big Brother’-esque web-series. In other words, it’s a boring and unnecessary sequel to a film that had a perfect ending, starring Busta Rhymes and a bunch of unlikeable twats with POV cameras; which damn-near killed the franchise and put any future films on hold for the next five years…and yet, you people still hate on Rob Zombie?!?
I really hate to have to make this comparison over, and over, and over, and over, and over again! So, this is the last time I’m going to explain why I enjoy the ‘Halloween’ remake and it’s sequel. Rob Zombie’s films had great acting for the most part, it was also interesting seeing Michael’s origin, great cinematography, awesome kills AND it made Michael Myers badass and creepy again. Which is the complete opposite of how he was portrayed in this installment. Let me ask all of you a question…would you rather have Rob Zombie remake ‘Halloween’, or would you rather have Michael Myers get his ass kicked and killed by Busta Friggin’ Rhymes?!?
Not only was this the biggest slap in the face to the franchise, but so was the first couple minutes of the movie. Screw the spoiler alerts, I’m gonna tell you exactly why this movie is so stupid. In the beginning of the movie, we see Laurie Strode in an insane asylum waiting for Michael. Because the real Michael put his mask on some other guy, so Laurie pretty much killed the wrong person. I’ll admit, this part of the movie was pretty cool and it did get me excited. The whole idea of Michael Myers being smart enough to escape death like that and still come after Laurie would’ve been cool if it was the whole movie, and it almost felt like a neat little callback to the original ‘Halloween 2’. Especially when you realize that this movie is directed by the same guy who directed ‘Halloween 2′ But of course, I had this terrible feeling that something was a little off with this opening. Then it hit me, it felt too rushed. This whole set-up was not going to be the entire movie. How did I realize that? Look up at the poster for this movie, who do you see? Jamie Lee Curtis, the Scream Queen herself. Think about what this franchise did for her career, and after everything this character has been through in the series…AND THEY FRIGGIN’ KILL HER OFF! Okay, I guess I don’t mind the idea of Michael finally killing his sister. BUT NOT IN THE FIRST 15 MINUTES!!!
I don’t understand it! Rick Rosenthal directed ‘Halloween 2’! One of the best sequels of the franchise, if not, one of the best sequels of all time. But, this is what we get in 2002?!? A completely boring mess full of bad acting, bad writing, wasted potential on the POV camera idea, unlikeable characters, one good character who should’ve lived, one REALLY bad character who should’ve died, and probably some of the worse sequel-begging I’ve ever seen since the ‘Super Mario Bros.’ movie. You could not make this movie any worse, even if Paul W.S. Anderson directed it!
“Yeah…I would’ve had Milla show up and kill Michael in the first FIVE minutes, and then she would put on Michael’s mask and continue the franchise as the new killer! Wouldn’t that have been smashing?”
Oh Jesus Christ, nevermind! God, I hate you! But ‘Halloween: Resurrection’ is still the worst in the franchise, and one of the worst films I’ve ever had the misfortune of revisiting. It’s a piece of crap, in every sense of the word. I would never even recommend this film to my worst enemy, it’s that horrible! Now, I have mentioned nine ‘Halloween’ films so far. There’s only one movie left in the entire franchise. You know what? Pardon my French, but after the shit I had to go through these last couple of days…I think I deserve to have this year’s Halloween to end on a high-note! So, this final ‘Halloween’ movie, is this the high-note I’m looking for? Could this be the one to cheer me up, help me wash the taste of Busta Rhymes electrocuting Michael Myers’ balls out of my mouth?
Hmm…you know that kid shouldn’t be sitting that close to the TV. Nevermind, I’m sure he’ll be fine. Anyways, Happy Halloween! I’ll see you guys in a little bit. Until then, Gotta Dash!
Rating: 1/10
