By Geno McGahee
As a child, I was a big fan of both King Kong and Godzilla and watched all the older movies that featured them, including the one where they were together. I was happy. I thought quitting while we were ahead might be a good idea, but like everything else that is popular, Hollywood will make remakes and re-imaginings to turn a buck.
King Kong would return in 2005, but I’m not sure that that film is related to this series. It was very good movie and showed that the big hairy ape had some potential to come back and be a box office draw. In 1998, GODZILLA was released and most want to forget that one, but not me. Not me! I liked that movie. I still consider it the best Godzilla movie even though it had things that irritated me. It was fun, but then in 2014, GODZILLA: WE’RE SORRY FOR 1998 was released and it was dark and not much fun. It wasn’t a bad film. It just wasn’t memorable or a good time.
In 2019, GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS came out, followed by the best in the new series, GODZILLA VS. KONG in 2021. I wonder why Godzilla got top billing. I’ve always been Team Kong and I’d prefer to see KONG VS. GODZILLA or KONG AND HIS GOOD FRIEND GODZILLA, but that might not draw asses to the seats.
So, after really enjoying the 2021 GODZILLA VS. KONG, I was eager to see the follow up in the new release, GODZILLA X KONG: THE NEW EMPIRE. I felt it was a tough formula to fuck up. You got two big monsters. You find some random city and they fight and they destroy everything and then it’s over. Considering Godzilla won the first fight, I was ready for Kong to get his revenge. With Godzilla sleeping through the majority of the movie, he could have easily just killed him when he was asleep, but he let him wake up naturally.
Ilene (Rebecca Hall) is trying to make her adopted daughter, Jia (Kaylee Hottle), who keeps scribbling shit during class. She also has a connection with Kong and feels that he is in some trouble in the hollow earth where he lives. Ilene gets in touch with conspiracy theorist, Bernie (Brian Tyree Henry), and they team up to figure out what is going on.
We find out that Kong’s issue is that he had a bad tooth. They must have run out of ideas. I would rather heard he had erectile dysfunction. Now there’s a story. They could even have a character, possible Ilene, note that “I guess he’s not King Cock after all.” Hollywood should have contacted me. I would have saved their movie.
Trapper (Dan Stevens) is some eccentric guy that wears tropical shirts. He is able to give Kong a new tooth and the movie could have ended there and I would have been happy. I think I would have just been happy if it ended then and they showed something else.
Trapper, Illen, Bernie, Jia, and a random guy that was definitely going to die early, travel to the hollow earth to see the glorious CGI world. They go through the jungle and Trapper senses something and the guy that doesn’t probably have a name in this gets eaten by a plant. Thankfully that is the only plant in the whole film that is dangerous and after a minute or so, they forget about it. Fuck him. He wasn’t important.
While visiting the hollow earth, they find a post where a bunch of people were killed and they figure out that there is another monster there that likes to fuck shit up. As this is happening, Kong meets up with some little fucking shit ape that sets him up. He gets jumped by a bunch of raggedy looking chimps and gorillas, but they are no match for Kong. Kong also has an axe in this one, which I don’t get. They are just giving him shit to make it different. I contend that if you are going to give him an axe, you give him clothing first. If you are sitting there in the jungle, you’d first say “I need to cover my junk” before you make a weapon.
Kong takes the little fucking shit ape under his wing and he is brought to a slave camp where the apes are all forced to work. It reminded me of ENEMY MINE when those poor aliens were put to work and pushed around, but that was a far better movie. As Kong watches on, an elderly gorilla gets slapped around and he’s seen enough. Kong says fuck you and punches out the guard, leading to the debut of the big monster that they’ve hid in fog and shadows for a bit and he was totally unimpressive. He’s a big skinny orangutan with a whip. He also has a pet lizard thing that shoots radiation or something. It’s enough to keep the gorilla slaves in line, but it was disappointing.
Kong goes 0-2 against big monsters when that big fucking orangutan guy kicks his ass and I’m really depressed now. He finds a place to die, but the human visitors give him a mechanical metal hand to fight with. It would NEVER WORK. Go to the zoo. Find a gorilla and sneak in when they are sleeping. Put a metal mechanical hand on their arm and they will wake up, rip it off and beat you over the head with it and probably have his way with you, depending on the season. Actually, I don’t think there is an official mating season for gorillas. I never Google anything before I write reviews. Sorry.
Godzilla finally wakes up and destroys some stuff and is now looking for some signal that is coming from hollow earth. That signal is coming from a lost tribe that Jia is related to and now they are going to use all their technology to get Kong and Godzilla together to take on the skinny orangutan guy and his reptile dog thing.
The final fight happens with orangutan man and lizard dog versus King Kong and Godzilla. Well, they added Mothra to the mix because he’s a guardian for the tribe and he’s there to make sure that shit goes right. Can you guess who won this final fight? It wasn’t orangutan man and his lizard dog.
GODZILLA X KONG: THE NEW EMPIRE was very dull without much dialogue or suspense. If you like watching constant fights with CGI monsters without much more going for it, then this is for you. I kept screaming “bring in Matthew Broderick!” I was that angry that I paid to see this movie. Giving King Kong an axe and a fucking mechanical glove? What next, they’re going to give him a strap on dildo to attack the city with? I hope they do.
I can’t recommend this one. I thought it sucked.
