By Geno McGahee
(Disclaimer: I hate Family Matters)
Why was FAMILY MATTERS successful? Why did FAMILY MATTERS go 10 seasons? Why am I watching it now? I guess I watched it because HBO Max showcasing it and my Christmas spirit brought me to this. I review tons of holiday movies and I need to watch shit to review it and so I reviewed this shit.
The Winslows are singing Christmas carols and celebrating that the Urkels are going away for two weeks. As they sing, Steve Urkel (Jaleel White) shows up and has his pants hiked up so high that his nuts are in his throat and he’s got a mistletoe on a hook above his head. He immediately starts sexually harassing Laura (Kellie Shanygne Williams). Why isn’t her father, Carl Winslow (Reginald VelJohnson), getting off his fat ass and knocking Urkel’s dick in the dirt?
Carl and his sister-in-law, Rachel (Telma Hopkins), are having a conversation about a gift that her son wants. He wants a Freddy Teddy and Carl is convinced as he can get one because he knows somebody. As they talk, Carl’s old ass mother, Estelle (Rosetta LeNoire), starts talking about how many guys that she wants to bang. She notes a boyfriend and said his “batteries wore out.” Now, either he owns a vibrator or he didn’t finish the job in bed with that old bird. That wasn’t enough sex talk for her though. When Carl mentioned his friend, she basically said she wanted to sit on his face too.
Urkel knocks down the Christmas tree at the Winslow household and breaks Laura’s favorite ornament. She kicks his nerd ass out and now he’s going to have Christmas alone, which is exactly what he deserves, but she has a change of mind and invites him back to have Christmas with her family. I would never allow a sexual predator nerd into my home. Carl is a fucking cop and he allowed this shit to happen.
Carl stands in line to get a Freddy Bear, but as he approaches the counter, the crowd pushes into him and bends him right over the counter. I felt bad for Carl. I’m sure he didn’t want to get bent over for Christmas. He had that look on his face that screamed “I hope a Freddy Bear isn’t an 18 inch dildo.”
So, Urkel stays the night and wakes up and sees the presents under the tree and starts dancing on the couch and thrusting his crotch over and over again. What a disrespectful fuck. To stand on somebody’s sofa is disrespectful enough but to then thrust your crotch over and over is the act of a deviant. What’s even worse is that they put the laugh track in. I hope those laughing on that fucking track get a crotch thrust right into their fat faces one day. Maybe then they’ll think twice about laughing on tape for money.
The family gets what they want. Eddie (Darius McCrary) gets a boom box, Laura gets a ridiculous leather jacket, Estelle gets a horn, which was the right gift. She’s been begging for something in her mouth from the beginning of the episode. I didn’t see Carl get jack shit. That seemed fucked.
FAMILY MATTERS: HAVE YOURSELF A VERY WINSLOW CHRISTMAS is pure shit. It might have been watchable without Urkel and the slutty grandmother, but they seem to focus on Urkel. What shit. OK, I don’t recommend this.
