By Melissa Antoinette Garza
EVILS OF THE NIGHT (1985) opens with two couples getting it on in the woods. I like where this is going!
The first guy (Shone Taylor) brings his lover (Crystal Breeze) to a tree. He then leans against it and takes a little oral from her. She, now ready to play, switches her position so that he can take her from behind. Before he can climax, he’s strangled. The chick still has some fun until she notices something is wrong. She looks behind just as she gets struck.
The other duo are injured after having a bit of naughty fun in a lake. They are taken into a clinic operated by alien vampires. Dr. Kozmar (John Carradine) and his sexy, sensual vamp gals Dr. Zarma (Julie Newmar) and Cora (Tina Louise) take Billy (Tony O’Dell). The goal is to drain the blood of those aged between 16 and 24. The can use it to preserve life on their own planet and increases their individual lifespan of roughly 200 years. It certainly makes the endeavor worthwhile to pursue.
For the record, I’m ALWAYS #TeamJulieNewmar. She could wipe out every teen in America and I’d still be on her side. She is impeccable.
Meanwhile, two beautiful space nurses begin caressing each other. I want to see more of them in and out of their cute little silver space dresses. (YUMMY) Their attentiveness to one another gives Billy the opportunity to escape unnoticed. The gals soon realize what is going on, find him and shoot him with a green laser that shoots out of a ring.
On the beach, Nancy (Karrie Emerson) and her fiance Ron (Keith Fisher) are chilling on the beach with friends and fellow “teenagers,” Heather (Bridget Holloman), Connie (G.T. Taylor), Brian (David Hawk), voyeur Eddie (Jerry Butler) and his frisky girlfriend Joyce (Amber Lynn).
Joyce gets irritated when she catches Eddy checking out two sultry women enjoying each other.She’s willing to forget about his antics if he puts out, but he’s a shy boy. As everyone else relaxes around a fire, Eddie and Joyce venture into a deserted house to have sex.
The love scenes between everyone are great. Their chemistry is wonderful. The foreplay makes for a fun watch, but OH MY GOD the music is dreadful. It sounds like something out of ENDLESS LOVE (1981). It’s fine for a romantic drama, but it definitely doesn’t fit when Eddy is hammering Joyce.
Brian does try to get some action too, but is turned down by Connie and Heather, quite a few times.
At the house, Joyce and Eddy hear noises and Eddy goes to check it out. He wants to stay and continue their lovemaking session, but Joyce is freaked and insists on leaving.
It is then that Nancy and Ron are kidnapped by two abductors working for the space vamps. The next morning, Connie, Nancy and Brian go looking for them. They hit up two mechanics Fred (Aldo Ray) and Kurt (Neville Brand) to see if they heard anything. Being that they are actually the kidnappers, they lie and tell them Nancy and Ron hitchhiked with the intention of eloping.
Nervous, Heather and Connie take refuge in the car and have some girl chat. Heater admits she has a thing for Brian and Connie admits she has a thing for Prince Andrew. Connie isn’t the brightest gal, but she’s super sweet.
Heather, Connie and Brian are all brought to the body shop and tied to the wall posts. Brian vows to get free and kill the mechanics for their indecency toward Heather and an attempted rape of Connie. Things get worse as a battle for freedom and survival ensues between the teens, the abductors and the alien vamps.
One Critic called this deplorable. Several trashed it for a variety of reasons. Fuck them. It’s awesome!
I don’t think critics have an understanding of cult cinema at all. This is a campy, self-aware, sexy little flick with gorgeous women, cult icons and a vampy little story that combines aliens, monsters and even throws in a few nods to the slasher genre. It’s insanely stupid at times, but it is never dull or vapid. If you have a sense of humor and a love for science fiction classics, 80s horror and marvelous sex scenes with amorous, red-hot gals, give it a try.
I highly recommend it. You can find this on AMAZON prime right now and the DVD is only about $12.
Scared Stiff Rating: 6.5/10
