By Melissa Antoinette Garza
The bro picked this movie up on a whim after seeing the trailer. I had never heard of it, but the setup sounded really good. It was a conspiracy flick that teased both Satanism and aliens. What’s better than Satanism and aliens, you ask. Well, only one thing: Satanic Aliens. That would be awesome. Why hasn’t anyone made a movie about Satanic Aliens yet? I guess this is a good time for a warning to anyone reading this review. It is 9:00 AM, I haven’t slept much and I’m still a bit high from my 3 AM dose of ganja –so this whole thing probably won’t make sense. Imma try though.
The film opens with Ruben (Robert Urich) who is our main protagonist. If written today he’d be a villain, but back in the early 80s filmmakers still understood nuance and how to write a flawed hero. He’s homophobic, a recovering alcoholic, a little hands-y with the ladies and often just a dick, but he’s portrayed by 1980s Robert Urich so he’s hawt AF! I mean, sexiness does get one quite a bit of points with me.
Ruben is a retired cop because he’s sick of judges letting criminals go free. He’s a rebel and a troubled soul, but trying to be good. He takes custody of his tomboy teenage daughter Mackenzie (Marin Kanter) who has some unresolved hatred for her dad. He’s been out of her life mostly and when in it a drunk, so she’s got reason to be pissed.
As Ruben tries to put together a book, he travels to a small town to hang with his journalist bud Joe (Paul Dooley). Joe is cool shit. He doesn’t give a fuck about the fuzz. If they tell him not to do a story, he’s gonna dig twice as deep cuz he’s just that type of mofo.
Meanwhile, RAWR RAWR Harriet Purdue (JoBeth Williams) is being signed in as the town’s sheriff. She’s a badass fem. I love her. She’s tough but still super feminine and has a killer sexy smile. Imma love me some JoBeth Williams.
Harriet works under Ben Morgan (Hoyt Axton) who I guess is the lead sheriff. Maybe, Harriet is a junior sheriff. I’m not sure. The townspeople elected her and it’s not made quite clear, but just look at Ben as the super duper cop and Harriet as the minor duper cop.
Soon all these cows start getting mutilated. Their organs are removed, but their carcasses remain. When it happens there are lights seen in the sky hinting it might be aliens, but there’s also Satanic graffiti and rumors of a cult which makes the culprit unknown. When Harriet brings up the alien theory, she’s laughed at.
One man not laughing is Joe. He starts investigating the case. It’s not surprising he’d be upset about the murdered cows. Less cows means less burgers and Wimpy won’t take that shit from no one. He will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today, but he can’t do that if all the cows are cut up to shit, son! If you don’t get this reference, amp up your Popeye studies.
Ruben is noticed immediately upon entering town when Mackenzie is caught illegally driving by Harriet. Harriet is tough with Ruben but the two have chemistry. Imma mean, it’s JoBeth Williams and Robert Urich. Of course, they have chemistry! RAWR RAWR RAWR
As Ruben, Harriet and Joe start looking into the cattle issue, Ben tries to stop them. That man is up to no good. Gizmo would be so disappointed in him. If you don’t get this reference, amp up your Gremlins study. I mean – we’re talking classics, people!
Sadly, Ruben has a relapse and gets drunk. He shows up at Harriet’s place and she lets him in. She even allows him to take a shower! She brings him in a towel, and he decides to do a little grab-a-grab!
Now remember, nuance people. I’m not saying Ruben is a perfect dude. He should not have tried to do a little grab-a-grab! That’s a bad, bad Ruben, but in his defense – he is hawt AF. Harriet knows some self-defense and beats the shit out of him a bit. He backs off pretty quick. They call it an attack in the film a few times and to a degree it was, but Imma not jumping on the attempted rape bandwagon. He was chill afterwards. His pride was hurt and he essentially says he tried because the rumor was she was a slut, so yeah – sometimes he’s a dick. Still, RAWR RAWR Robert Urich. Imma watch you shower anyways!
When he sobers up, he’s apologetic. Soon, Harriet is up for a little grab-a-grab herself. The two have some real fun. RAWR RAWR JoBeth Williams – you go and get yourself some. Spenser is definitely for hire! Now just call over Coach for a threesome and you got a real party going on.
Peeps start getting nosebleeds in town and some even start dying mysteriously. The closer Harriet and Ruben get to the truth, the more shit goes down. Imma not giving you any spoilers so watch this movie, bro.
The conclusion could have gone a bit longer and showed a bit more, but ENDANGERED SPECIES (1983) is still a solid conspiracy flick with great actors, an intense plot and a predictable but fun twist.
Imma suggest this one if you haven’t seen it. It’s great. I loved it. I miss Robert Urich. I’m gonna hang on his cloud for more than a minute when I get there.
Peter Coyote also has a small role in this film. I have loved him ever since LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN (1985). He had a mustache in this flick. I didn’t like it. If he wasn’t Peter Coyote I would have said, “your stash is trash.” He didn’t have a beard though so I could not have honestly followed it with, “your beard is weird.” I miss those Just For Men ads.
In the end, the moral to this flick is simple. If you’re going to mutilate an animal don’t do it to cows. They’re cool shit. Do it to show horses instead. Show horses are smug assholes that think they’re better than me and I hate them so I wouldn’t care about them. At least, I think that was the moral. I was high when I watched this.
WOOT WOOT! I think I almost made sense in this review. I’m gonna pat myself on the back.
Scared Stiff Rating: 7.5/10
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