By Melissa Antoinette Garza
DEADTIME STORIES (1986) has always been one of my favorite horror anthologies. When I was a kid, it was shown regularly during SPINE TINGLERS, a horror movie block that showcased scary films every weekend afternoon in the 80s.
Every time, I saw that it was on, I was excited. From beginning to end, I just loved it; and I still do. The intro song called BEDTIME TALES has an excellent fun sound that sets the mood for something unusual and lively. The composers, Jeffrey Delman and Larry Juris did a phenomenal job with this ditty. To this day, I’ll start singing the song out of nowhere. It’s fantastic.
It isn’t just the music that makes this movie awesome, it’s the stories and the way in which they are presented.
The film opens with Brian (Brian DePersia), a young boy being babysat by his Uncle Mike (Michael Mesmer) and who can’t fall asleep. Mike agrees to tell Brian a story, then two and three, to help him rest. It quickly becomes clear that Mike may not be the best babysitter as the tales he tells are extremely inappropriate and make it even more difficult for his nephew to sleep.
The first tale surrounds ugly witch sisters, Hanagohl (Phyllis Craig) and Florinda (Anne Redfern) who can disguise themselves as young beauties. They use this power to seduce and kill their victims. Their ultimate goal is to cast a spell and bring back their third sister Magoga (Lisa Cain).
Peter (Scott Valentine) is a young man who works for the witches and is, for the most part, loyal. Florinda tries to watch out for Peter, almost in a motherly way, as Hanagohl is just horrible towards everyone. Regardless of her way with Peter, Florinda isn’t a good mother as her aim is to turn Peter into an evil accomplice. Despite his portests, She insists he help her kidnap a beautiful woman named Miranda (Kathy Fleig). He doesn’t want to, but nonetheless pretends to be a beggar to distract her while the witch drugs her.
It isn’t long before Peter falls in love with Miranda and decides to rescue her.
It’s an amusing, cute romantic tale with theatrical over-the-top make-up and a fairy-tale style setting. It’s probably the weakest among the tales, yet it still is a solid story with a great cast and entertaining characters.
Tale #1 Rating: 7/10
Next is an adult take on LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD, which is far less subtle than anything Charles Perrault ever intended. Here it takes place in modern times (well – 1986 anyways). Rachel (Nicole Picard) is a teenager, who stops by the pharmacy to pick up her Grandmother’s meds on the way to meet her scumbag, selfish boyfriend Greg (Michael Berlinger). Greg pressures her into giving him er virginity in a shitty shed on a shittier blow-up mattress. I don’t like Greg!
At the pharmacy, Rachel meets Willie (Matt Mitler). He’s there for a different reason. He’s a werewolf, who buys illegal tranquilizers from the pharmacist to avoid turning on full moons. Well, tonight is a full moon. To make mattes worse, the pharmacist accidentally switches the meds and Willie gets grandmas Mylanta.
He tracks down grandma (Fran Lopate), but Rachel hasn’t arrived yet. She’s busy being pushed into sex by douchearama Greg. Grandma fears for her safety and tells him to go. He gets aggressive and soon goes full wolf.
What’s awesome about this scene is that the filmmakers went back and forth between Greg and Rachel having sex and Willie turning. At one point Willie says, “I’m not ready.” It’s a very interesting parallel between the two characters as they both are changing in ways they don’t want to. Another major aspect I want to point out is the conscience decisions made by the filmmakers. Today, a character like Greg would, without question, be the villain; but this was made in a time when the protagonists in movies constantly pushed and manipulated their way into sex and was cheered for it. It is remarkably refreshing that the powers-that-be made it clear that they knew Greg was a bad guy. This movie is not cheering him or his gross, vomit-inducing come-on moves on.
My only complaint with this tale is that Greg’s comeuppance wasn’t graphic enough. Seriously, fuck that guy!
Not that Willie was a good werewolf. When he’s fully gone, he does try to paw his way into Rachel’s clothes against her will, which was wrong! BAD WOLF! That said, I always have a soft spot for werewolves. They know not what they do. They know not what they do! I’m just saying that the werewolf copping a feel is a much less creepy suitor than all-hands gross Greg.
Tale #2 Rating: 8/10
The last tale is an insane version of GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS. In this take, the Baer family are criminals. Judith ‘Mama’ Baer (Melissa Leo) drives the getaway car while helping her husband Beresford ‘Papa’ Baer (Kevin Hannon) and their 20 something, mentally challenged son Wilmont ‘Baby’ Baer (Kevin Hannon) break out of prison.
They decide to take refuge in an old abandoned house they once hid out in. Only the home is no longer vacant house they find a young woman, Goldi Lox (Cathryn DePrume).
I love Goldi Lox so much. She is just a badass! She has telekinetic powers and uses them to murder any boy who tries to get too fresh with her. She then keeps the bodies and talks to them. Lox is just insane. She gets excited when the news talks about her and is genuinely a likeable murderer. She’s like a female Norman Bates that has the powers of Carrie. When I was a kid, I wanted to be this chick!
When she meets the Baer family, Papa and Mama are suspect of her and ready to kill, but Baby Wilmont falls in love. The two start a whirlwind romance that is crazy and fun and would never be allowed today.
The acting is so campy and great. It’s so different. Some often confuse the bizarre and eccentric as affected or contrived. These individuals, who pride themselves as intellectuals, do not understand that films such as this, not only know what they’re doing, but have a specific reason for doing it. If these people took the time to actually watch the films they trash, they would see that the motives of the filmmakers are quite often made very clear. Admittedly, many elements and plot-points are told in a manner that is in-your-face and lack any sense of subtlety, but, many times, there is also a level of subtext and depth that highlight some unique ideas and concepts. Like the tale before it, GOLIDLOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS, is a perfect example.
Obviously, the representation of the criminal family and the killer with magic powers teaming up is sensational and crazy and makes for some moments of comedic brilliance. It’s silly, but it’s not stupid; and that’s an important distinction. There is a great deal of thought that went into the film and it shows.
I still love that our introduction to Goldi is her using her powers to stop men from assaulting her. Sure, she was a full-fledged villain, who murdered for a free meal, but she was a goddamn rockstar. That’s the kind of feminism I’m in for.
Tale #3 Rating: 9/10
As for the wrap-around, I enjoyed it. Particularly, the conclusion which utilized some more puppetry was enjoyable and kept right along with the quirky tone of the rest of the movie.
Throughout the movie, Delman and Juris kept things rocking with a killer soundtrack. I can’t recommend this one enough. It’s on AMAZON PRIME right now so check it out. I live for this type of stuff. It isn’t too often that feminism is properly and appropriately celebrated in horror films, but this nails it with strong female leads and creative female characters. You don’t have to be a woman to enjoy this movie, but I think you get something extra out of it, if you are.
Scared Stiff Rating: 8.5/10
