crazycarl’s top 10 twilight zone episodes

By Crazy Carl Robinson

every saturday night when I was in 7^th grade, wdca (channel 20 out of washington, dc) would show twilight zone reruns after midnight…..if I went to my best friend, allen’s house, we would stay out in his parents’ garage making professional wrestling tag-team belts until the show came on…..if he came over to my house, we would tie twine on an upside card table and stage wrestling matches with my “johny west” action figures (note: I didn’t say “dolls”) until it was time for rod serling…..and I’ve damn skippy watched a lot of tv since then, but pound-for-pound, I’d have to vote the twilight zone as my favorite television show of all-time…..it was 1) well-made, 2) well-acted, 3) there was always a realistic, non-disney moral and 4) often times, it was scary-as-shit…..what makes a mainstream horror movie in 2007?—a big-tittied whore getting tortured/having her head chopped off and put on a stick in the hero/villain’s yard…..there’s no real plot and the message I get from the filmmaker is that life sux, so why not put all the pigs’ heads on sticks?…..the twilight zone wasn’t like that, ya know……one more thing before I rank my top ten episode: I didn’t do any internet fact-checking before writing this…..i know the episodes are on the “sci fi” channel now, but what I’m gonna write about is what was burned into my brain in 1979…..one more thing, if you write in to tell me that “donna douglas” is actually spelled “donna douglass,” I might wear my grymes memorial school heavyweight championship belt over to your mom’s house and give you the beatin’ that you so richly deserve…….

10) THE HOWLING MAN: I’m kinda fond of episodes where the devil wins, ya know…..in this one, a drunken (john carradine) monk has caught the devil with “the stick of righteous” and is holding him captive in a 15^th century monastery……some businessman/traveler lets the devil out and is obliged to chase him for the next 20 years—then rod serling says something to the effect of: “old folk tale: you can catch the devil, but you can’t keep him for long”…..bonus feature: “the stick of righteous” is now in the possession of geno mcgahee’s mom

9) PERCHANCE TO DREAM: ya’ll prolly don’t like this one, but I thought the “carnival chick” (looking like a cross between jane russell and amy winehouse) was equal parts scary and sexy…..in the episode, this dude is having bad dreams about being on a rollercoaster with amy winehouse, so he goes to see a psycho-a-trist because he’s afraid that he’s going to die in his sleep…..close to the end of the episode, the dude jumps out the window and (seemingly) falls to his death…..then amy winehouse (dressed as a secretary) tells her boss that the dude walked in off the street, fell asleep and had a heart attack in his sleep…..bonus feature morals: 1) psycho-a-trists just rip you off and 2) carnival chicks are sluts

8) THE MASKS: (note: I’m not just ranking this one in the top ten because it’s one of melissa mcgahee’s top 3—it really is a fine episode)……basically, this old rich guy is dying and all of his bloodsucking relatives are kissing his ass for the inheritance……it’s mardi gras time in new orleans, so the old man tells his relatives that they have to wear (distorted) masks of themselves through the night in order to get their money……they do, but when they wake up the next morning, the masks have distorted their faces……wouldn’t you love to do the same thing to your relatives?…..your coworkers?—yeah, yeah

7) THE MONSTERS ARE DUE ON MAPLE STREET (also in melissa mcgahee’s top 3)……I actually would have liked for this one to be scarier, but its commentary on human nature is dead on (plus sheriff lobo from bj and the bear gets to voice our conscience)……in the episode, a meteor has buzzed the neighborhood and all the sci-fi freaks imagine that aliens have infiltrated the neighborhood….the rumor turns out to be false, but the mob winds up killing one of their own…..bonus feature fact: claude akins can act circles around any goddamn monkey……

6) “TWENTY-TWO”: again, ya’ll might not consider this episode a classic, but I’m pretty fond of nightmares, nervous breakdowns and the drama that is blonde v. brunette……the plot: a blonde actress/slut has been hospitalized for “exhaustion”…..she has been having a recurring nightmare in which a creepy, brunette nurse/slut tells her that there’s “room for one more” in the hospital morgue……dr smith from lost in space pronounces her cured at the end of the episode, but as she prepares to board her plane, the same creepy, brunette stew/slut tells her that there’s “room for one more”……the blonde runs back into the airport and then screams in horror as the airplane disintegrates upon takeoff……bonus feature fact: during breaks from filming, dr smith often went back to his dressing room to have unprotected gay sex

5) “WILL THE REAL MARTIAN PLEASE STAND UP”: I thought the episode worked because of the characters’ basic mistrust of each other…..the plot: a new england bridge collapses during a snow storm and the tracks of a space alien are included in the ones leading up to a diner where the bus passengers take refuge…..the passenger list includes a newlywed couple, a go-go dancer/slut, the grandfather from gimme a break and jack elam…..at the end of the episode, we find out that the grandfather from gimme a break has 4 arms and the counterman at the diner has a third eye……there’s also a lot of kool guys smoking in the episode

4) “THE AFTER HOURS”: anne francis might have had a big mole on her face, but she’s still pretty hot for a mannequin, yeah?…..in fact, I wouldn’t have minded taking that particular mannequin home with me…..anyway, anne francis wonders around a big department store in a haze and no one will help her…..at the end of the episode, we find out that, every year, mannequins in department stores get to vacation as humans for a week before they have to go back to being mannequins…..and I aint telling all you twilight zone virgins out there what to do, but the next time you’re in kohl’s, maybe walk up to your favorite mannequin and say: “hey….my name’s crazycarl….howsit going?”

3) “EYE OF THE BEHOLDER”: dude, I hate the ending of this one almost as much as I love the episode….the writers crafted a wonderful story about beauty being in the eye of the beholder and then they completely blew it at the end—-I assume just to fit the mold of hollywood beauty standards…..the story: the (seemingly ugly) narrator has had plastic surgery and wakes up with bandages on her face…..we don’t see the faces of the narrator’s doctors and nurses for the majority of the episode, but when the bandages are removed, donna douglas (ellie may from the beverly hillbillies) is revealed to be the patient and the hospital staff all have distorted pig-faces……what truly sux is that the narrator’s voice wasn’t that of ellie may clampett…..some asshole producer in the back must have said “ellie may clampett’s voice isn’t gonna play in new york and kalifornia, so we need to do a voice-over”—thus defeating the entire purpose of the episode….the ending of this episode pisses me off as much as anything that’s ever been on film…..bonus feature fact: bigfatpeople should be put in a zoo or in a cage or wherever it is that they put bigfatpeople

2) “THE HITCH-HIKER”: inger stevens killed herself in real life, ya know…..and there’s nothing kooler than a beautiful, rich celebrity who kills herself—-that’s real deal and hardcore……anyway, this hot chick is driving across country and this weird, lil hitchhiker appears everywhere she goes…..along the way, this fat sailor tries to get down her pants and then she starts trying to run over the hitchhiker…..eventually she stops at a pay phone to call her mother and a neighbor answers the phone and tells the chick that her mother is at the funeral of her (only) daughter……then inger stevens realizes that she’s really dead and that the hitchhiker is death…..as twilight zone episodes go, I’d say that this is the most underrated one of them all

1) “WALKING DISTANCE”: gig young killed himself in real life, ya know…..and there’s nothing kooler than a handsome, rich celebrity who kills himself—cobain, hemingway, plath and gig mf’ing young…..to tell ya the truth, the episode is quite poignant—-maybe even poignant enough to make crazycarl cry if he’s able to focus on his own miserable lovelife…..anyway, gig young is a burnt-out ad executive whose car breaks down in his hometown during a business trip……as gig young walks around town, he notices that it’s exactly the same as when he was a child…..eventually he runs into the 5-year-old version of himself (as played by lil opie cunningham)…… then he walks over to his childhood home and has a conversation with his 35-year-old father who eventually tells his 35-year-old son that “there’s only one summer per customer”…..then gig young returns to new york city (after inadvertently causing lil opie cunningham to fall down and break his leg)……bonus feature moral: countryfolk, don’t let people from new york city come to your town…..they’re stonecold devils.