By Crazy Carl Robinson
since I reviewed my top ten books in the last list, I thought I’d try top ten movies this time…..and I think geno is gonna be upset with me because kubrick’s the shining (1980) is the only horror film to make the cut….and if you’re asking yourself what crazycarl looks for in a movie: drugs…..like if (lesser) movies appear on this list that you don’t particularly like, you know where the bump came from…..to tell ya the truth, I don’t really have the attention span to sit in a theater for 2 hours anymore…..like the last movie I saw in the theater was borat (2006) on thanksgiving day by my goddamn self…..i saw fahrenheit 9/11 (2004) and they may be the only 2 movies I’ve seen “live” this millennium…..i don’t have a dani, ya know—-and unless geno digs up his nana and federal expresses her ass out here or has a “win a date with crazycarl” contest on scared stiff, I’ll be obliged to go to the movies by myself (which I won’t do because I’m too kool)…….and maybe you think I should just rent movies from netflix……
well, when the slack, mediacom cable guy installed my cable tv, he neglected to bring the johnson rod that would allow me to switch from tv to vcr without disconnecting some wire (he said that I could just go to radio shack and buy some $5 attachment)……and that was 2 years ago and I’ve still never watched a movie on my vcr…..and maybe you think I’m just being lazy, but I’d argue that it’s because I have my own house now and mama isn’t here calling me a “fat piece-of-shit”…..i didn’t break your tv, mama…..i’m not wasting your money, mama….yes, mama, mediacom is da devil, but I’m still not going to radio shack and sending them the bill because I just don’t fucking care…..you can’t drive the 14 hours from virginia and make me, mama…..in fact, I think I’m going to sit right here in my underwear, eat pop tarts, and enjoy the silence….p.s.: I don’t know how to adjust the screen to watch a movie on my computer either
10) FIELD OF DREAMS (1989): like i don’t know kevin costner, but I’m pretty sure he’s a douche—18 ex-wives and 180 bad movies since he’s made a good one…..and I don’t really want to put him on this list twice, but the will of the big handsome must be done…..field of dreams really is my favorite sports movie…..and when james earl jones gives that speech about charting american history through baseball, I would have to agree…..i live in iowa now, ya know…..and every small town has 9 graveyards, 8 baseball diamonds, and nothing else—-you’re born, you play baseball, and then you die…..and that’s life in the heartland (where the people own their values instead of buying them at the store)…..question from shoeless joe jackson: “is this heaven?”……kinsella’s answer: “no, it’s iowa”……..question from my life: “did iowa really save crazycarl?”…..the magic eightball says: “signs point to yes”…..crazycarl says: watch this movie with your dad
9) DANCES WITH WOLVES (1990): I’ve watched dances with wolves dozens of times, but the most significant viewing for me was one rainy, spring afternoon in 2006 when the big handsome came over to watch hbo (and to drink all my beer, and to smoke all my weed, and to eat all my food)……and as the afternoon progressed, I watched as the big handsome slowly morphed into the character…..and it wasn’t about him shushing me or the “crack me another whippet” hand gestures, it was about the fact that the big handsome had stonecold checked out into the movie…..like the big handsome had become dances-with-wolves……big handsome was the one having sex with stands-with-a-fist in the tee pee……big handsome was the one smoking the peace pipe with ten bears and big handsome was the one translating the words of kicking bird so that the world could understand……it was big handsome standing up to those soldiers and big handsome refusing to give in to the man…..and when the big handsome left my apartment that night, god and the babyjesus only know what battles he fought —-I only know what he did on that stranger’s porch the night we watched the weather underground (2002)
8) CADDYSHACK (1980): the #1 ranking on my (lifetime) top ten most hated list can always be seen in direct correlation to my lovelife…..with julie, I hated ____……because of ____, I hate divorcees (nothing personal, and all things shall pass, especially if I can get that 24-year-old bartender over to my house)…..however; the #2 ranking on my list has consistently remained the same throughout my adult life….q: who are the biggest pieces-of-shit that I can think of?—-a: golfers…..even worse is the sub-category of women who hang out at golf courses pretending to like golf in the hopes of snaring a rich husband…..that being said, the godliness of caddyshack was burned into my brain before I even understood what the concept of “golfer” really meant……it was required viewing at my boarding school and I had to “do-rodney” as a pledge before I was admitted into the frat house (and I’ve spent the last 15 years of my life apologizing to every punk I know for the last two, so I guess I should apologize to my readers as well)……caddyshack is an excellent film though—-dangerfield, chase, murray, and knight at their very best…..did I mention that I was an assistant greenskeeper on a golf course during my freshman and sophomore years at college?……and if they gave me the same job in 2008, crazy carl robinson might just give carl spackler a run for his money
7) TOP TEN HONORABLE MENTIONS: 10) THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE (1974): and I know the readers of “scared stiff” are gonna hate me, but maybe the editors of a future film can plop jessica biel (in a tee-shirt that’s 2 sizes too small) into the original, 9) A CLOCKWORK ORANGE (1971): I know the dialect is hard, but o my brothers, the rape scene would certainly be in my top ten list of the most disturbing moments in cinematic history, 8) OFFICE SPACE (1999): like I’ve never really worked in an office, but I think this is what it might be like, 7) NAPOLEON DYNAMITE (2004): if tina-the-llama was in every scene, napoleon dynamite would be my favorite movie of all-time, 6) THE DOORS (1991): the big handsome is the lizard king—he can do anything, 5) THE SOPRANOS: I’m waiting, ya know, 4) ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST (1975): jack nicholson didn’t really kill scatman in the novel, 3) THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (1991): geno’s nana thinks jodie foster is really hot, 2) ANIMAL HOUSE (1978): if you were in my fraternity and called me “flounder,” there’s a good chance that I peed in your cereal, 1) UP IN SMOKE (1978): where else would I want my parents to take my 6th grade homeroom class for my birthday party?
6) BONNIE AND CLYDE (1967): did I ever tell you that my aunt bonnie is named after bonnie parker?…..did you know that my father, floyd is named after pretty boy floyd?……did you know that my grandfather and uncle were both named jesse james?…….my ancestors didn’t name their children after fucking presidents, they named them after gangsters……my dad grew up in rogue holler—with no electricity or phone until he joined the army……he had to slaughter his pet pig every winter and the family had to wrap newspapers around the house so as not to freeze…..they had an outhouse, but out of respect, the menfolk gave it over to the womenfolk (and my father took every shit outside until he was 18-years-old)……bonnie parker and clyde barrow were heroes for the house-of-robinson in 1934 and they remain heroes for me to this day…..and there might not be much money in the first virginia bank in 2008, but my homepeople still root for the gangsters to get away (and hope that lester and earl will continue to supply the soundtrack of our lives)
5) FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH (1982): with apologies to phoebe cates (and the millions of american boys/girls who have masturbated to her coming-out-of-the-pool-and-removing-her-top scene), the film belongs to jeff spicoli…..like sean penn could win 10 oscars and save the world from global warming and he’d still be jeff spicoli…..are you ready?….here goes……jeff spicoli on the american revolution: “What Jefferson was saying was, Hey! You know, we left this England place ‘cause it as bogus; so if we don’t get some cool rules ourselves—pronto—we’ll just be bogus too! Get it?”……jeff spicoli on (not) getting a job: “All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I’m fine.”…….jeff spicoli (high and drunk) on driving: “People on ludes should not drive.”……jeff spicoli (at the arcade) on the meaning of life: “Life is like Pacman. You have to decimate or be decimated.”……..jeff spicoli responding to a question about fear: “Well Stu, I’ll tell you, surfing’s not a sport, it’s a way of life, you know, a hobby. It’s a way of looking at that wave and saying, ‘Hey bud, let’s party!”…….note: fast times at ridgemont high was julie’s favorite movie……note #2 (and I shit you not): the big handsome’s sister played a whore in sean penn’s sweet and lowdown (1999)
4) THE OUTLAW JOSEY WALES (1976): I’m from the south, ya know….and if you’re from youngstown, ohio, maybe you best look around at the burned out factories>strip clubs>liquor stores that make up your neighborhood before you look down on me…..and what I don’t get is that the same people who don’t believe a word that the republican government tells them in 2008, completely believe the republican spin doctors from 1865…..maybe if there was an internet in 1863, someone could have checked abraham lincoln before he hooked up his cronies with phat government contracts…..you can still google “red legs,” but just be sure and check the source before you believe……anyway, on to the movie……and while I’m certainly a fan of eastwood’s spaghetti westerns, I must admit that the overdubs (into english) bug me…..i think the outlaw josey wales is as close to perfect as eastwood gets (and it would have been perfect if not for a 15-minute desert scene towards the end where eastwood obliges his then-girlfriend, sondra locke by making us wait to look at her bare ass)……the revenge that josey takes on the red legs who murdered his family is priceless as well as his treatment of the carpetbaggers he meets along the way……and eastwood’s work with chief dan george (as lone watie) is as poignant as anything that’s ever been on film…..there are almost too many kool scenes to mention—-eastwood spitting tobacco juice on a couple of bounty hunters who tried to kill him and granny hawkins (who walks, talks and dips snuff much like my fraternal grandmother) loading josey down with free supplies while declining his offer of payment with a: “you can pay me when you see me again, josey wales”…….revisionist history?—it all depends on who had the money (and guns) to write the history books
3) THE SHINING (1980): if you think I’m going to tell you that nicholson owns the shining the way spicoli owns fast times, then you’re partially right (note: nicholson is always nicholson whereas sean penn played spicoli)…….rumor has it that stephen king was against nicholson playing jack torrance in the film lest his novel turn into jack-nicholson-on-an-ugly-saturday-night……don’t get me wrong, nicholson certainly steals the film/novel/show and I would argue that kubrick’s the shining is the greatest horror movie of all time—-it is visually stunning (jack bursting through the door with axe in hand, the creepy twins, an elevator filled with blood, et al) and the acting is superb……I guess I’m ultimately here to send my shot out to danny lloyd (and, of course, tony)……virtually every child actor I’ve ever seen on film just plays it for the cheeze—-like the director says “be cute” and then “look scared” and the end result is another horror movie with b-grade acting and predictable plots…..danny lloyd plays his scenes like a little adult (a rare feat for a younger actor)…..lloyd’s portrayal of danny’s psychosis is so riveting that I would describe it as the greatest performance by a child actor in the history of film….i know that danny lloyd stopped acting soon after the filming of the shining and although I don’t know what became of him, I can only hope that the quality of lloyd’s ice in 2008 is at least half-as-good as that of nicholson’s snow
2) THE BIG LEBOWSKI (1998): I know this might sound vain, but I’m always working towards finding my inner dude (and I think I’m getting pretty close)…..like there isn’t a week that goes by that someone doesn’t compare me to jack black (whom I don’t particularly like and who I think went to the jim carrey school-of-making-faces-in-lieu-of-genuine-acting-ability), but I’d much rather they see me as the dude from the big lebowski…….i also wonder if my peers at school appreciate the inner peace-cum-foolishness that makes up the dude’s zen…..like any jackass can brownnose their boss at a meeting, but only a dude would risk their professional reputation to make jokes that only other dudes would understand……like sometimes life seems like it’s in slow-motion to me—-everyone else at the faculty meeting has a stick-up-their-ass and I’m pitching them softballs and they’re treating me like I’m one-toke-over-the-line…..i don’t wanna be batman…..i don’t wanna be superman…..i don’t wanna be ironman……and when I dog-whisper, I want the other dogs to like me and think that I’m kool (and not that I’m secretly plotting to be the lead dog)…..and there are two pictures taped to my kitchen cabinet—one is of a 76-year-old nun from my college saying: “I don’t teach in your kitchen, so don’t eat or drink in my classroom” and the other is of the dude, sitting in a limousine and drinking a white russian…..’nuff said, yeah?
1) DONNIE DARKO (2001): since I already reviewed donnie darko for “scared stiff” back in november, I think the best thing for a lazy man (or dude) to do would be to provide commentary on his own commentary…..10) “rabbits are kool”: rabbits have no natural defense and everything wants to eat them, yet there are more rabbits in my backyard than any other creature…..i think brer rabbit knows something that we don’t, 9) “patrick swayze”: is a chain-smoking, drunk-plane-driving bitch, but ultimately those two factors keep him a couple slots behind kevin costner in the contest for world’s biggest douche, 8) “I still don’t know what donnie darko about”:—all I really know is that softball player still has my copy of the movie and she never came over to my house to watch it with me, 7) “random trivia”: donnie darko was voted #5 on a list of australia’s favorite movies, 6) “politics are for suckers”: wred fright claims that south park is part of a republican plot to brainwash the children, so watch at your own risk, 5) “the soundtrack”: if I’m being honest, cranking tears for fears as you cruise the campus art department might get you more chicks in ohio than it will in iowa, 4) “for fans of the #28”: the girl I love is 28-years-old…..as I write this, the cowboys are beating the browns 28-10…..um…..i’ve already used all the #28 trivia that the internet movie database had to offer, 3) “overweight asian girls go to heaven”: I’m not actually sure about that, so maybe you should ask 30 dudes to prom and then be pleasantly surprised when the 28th one says “yes” (that’s how I got laid the last time), 2) “dc power”: I don’t really hate happy people, ya know….i just hate poseurs who feel the need to tell you that they’re happy (with the rationale being that if you’re truly happy, then you’re already off doing your thing), 1) “god/the universe/nature already knows that you’re good, so you don’t need to put on a show at the local starfucks”: dude, I’m nice to everyone I meet…..i’m nice to little kids, animals, the lady at the gas station, and geno’s nana……and don’t think for a second that I don’t notice when after your 20 minute speech about “saving the polar ice caps” that you hop in your suv and drive off at mcdonald’s to pick up your styrofoamed big mac