By Melissa Antoinette Garza
I love Alexandre Aja. He’s the best! His movies are fab. He’s fab. I wish he was in charge of the new version of BLACK CHRISTMAS (2019) coming out. He’d be the only one I’d trust with any remake of a quality film, and I think he could actually do something special that would make Bob Clark proud. He’s not a pussy and wouldn’t half-ass it the way the filmmakers of the 2006 atrocity did. Instead of that dream production, Aja’s new movie CRAWL (2019) was still in theaters this week so I jumped to go see it.
I like monster movies when they’re done right. Popcorn flicks can be fun and silly and over-the-top. Lately the PIRANHA 3D (2010) and SHARKNADO (2013) franchises shifted to near full-on comedy with the scares few and far between so I drifted away from them; but Aja’s name is enough to peak my interest once more. CRAWL (2019) takes a more old school approach and feels closer to classics like OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN (1983) and TREMORS (1990). Translation: It’s good!
Now, some peeps will say this movie follows the dysfunctional and strained relationship between father Dave (Barry Pepper) and daughter Haley (Kaya Scodelario) as they reconnect due to a massive hurricane and gator attack.
Those people are stupid! The true story is about a gator family who I love very much. These poor gators are roughing it and toughing it in Florida. A huge hurricane hits so these quick thinking reptiles go in a drain pipe and find their way into a crawl space of an empty house. They’re chilling, waiting out the storm when this dude, dipshit Dave decides to visit. Dipshit is trying to sell his house so he chooses this day to fix his sink. He goes downstairs to work on the pipes, and the gators weren’t expecting company. One thing led to another and chomp – chomp – chomp, Dave has a bloody arm. We don’t see Dave get attacked so the gators could have been acting in self-defense.
Well, Haley who is a college student on a swim scholarship goes to check on her dad because no one has heard from him since the storm. When he’s not at his apartment, she drives to the house despite pleas from the cops to turn around. Inside is Dave’s cute little puppy dog who knows better than to fuck with any gators. He’s barking up a storm warning little Miss Haley away, but she goes to the basement anyways to find daddy Dave.
She finds him but she finds the gators too. They break thru the stairs leaving the drain pipe as Haley and Dave’s only real escape. Chomp, Chomp, Chomp – the gators go crazy and attack whenever they try to leave or move. Imma love those gators. They like biting and I like biting! RAWR
The gators are also big on neighborhood watch. When some hoods go and loot a convenient store across the street, the gators aren’t having it. They swim over and take a bite out of crime. Chomp, chomp, chomp comes the gators. WOOT! WOOT! Gators win!
There’s a big standoff in the end. Haley and Dave keep trying to escape and the gators keep trying to eat them. The moral is “Don’t fuck with alligators. They’re gonna eat you and smile while doing it cuz they are assholes, but they’re still my friends and kind of cute.”
I loved this movie. It was just a crazy roller-coaster ride of insanity and jump scares, but it was done well. It’s an old fashioned popcorn movie with good special effects and insane visuals.
Scared Stiff Rating: 7/10
