By Melissa Antoinette Garza
What do you get when you combine FINAL DESTINATION (2000), RING (1998) and APP (2013)? The answer is something better than I expected. Don’t get me wrong, COUNTDOWN (2019) isn’t great. It isn’t groundbreaking or original. In fact, it’s formulaic, predictable and in a few years will be a forgotten mediocre horror production, but it’s not horrible and sometimes that’s good enough for me.
The film opens at a party where stupid teens are playing a drinking game. Courtney (Anne Winters) and her friends all download an app that supposedly reveals when they are going to die. All but Courtney assume it’s a bullshit novelty gimmick, and they don’t concern themselves over when their countdown ends. Courtney is a little more nervous as it states she only has three hours to live. She decides to go home on her own as her boyfriend Evan (Dillon Lane) is wasted. He gets into a wreck and a tree goes thru where she would have been sitting.
Still, Courtney isn’t safe. She dies precisely when the countdown ends. Evan meets a similar demise at the hospital just a short time later. Before his countdown ends, Evan tells his nurse Quinn Harris (Elizabeth Lail) that he knows he’s going to die. She thinks he’s paranoid and tries to reassure him. When she realizes that he was right, she begins to question the app which she also has on her phone.
It isn’t only the app she has to worry about because a sleazy bitch ass doc (Peter Facinelli) is harassing the shit out of her. Dr. Sullivan forces himself on Quinn and she has to fight the perv off. Of course, this upper-class, incel, dickwad blames her. She escapes and tries to tell the head nurse, Amy (Tichina Arnold) but Fuckface Sullivan makes certain she doesn’t get an opportunity to speak with her. He then turns everything around and makes the staff think she was sexually harassing him.
Sullivan pisses me off. He needs a karate chop to the throat and a knee to his small pecker. I hate doctors that think they can fuck nurses because of their clout. I don’t know who made up the whole urban legend that chicks find docs attractive, but the fems I know don’t give a fuck about the degrees or the green. It’s just different types of paper. I prefer a gent with posters of their favorite musicians and movies hanging. That shows personality and taste. Doc Sullivan has neither of those qualities. He sucks.
After dealing with all that shit, Quinn goes home and starts investigating the app. She finds videos online of people swearing it’s real and that the countdown makes one hallucinate, see dead relatives and plays with its victims prior to striking them dead. Immediately after, she has a scare and ends up sleeping in her car.
Quinn’s younger sis Jordan (Talitha Eliana Bateman) shows up and gives her lip. I hate Jordan. She reminds me of Skipper, Barbie’s littler sis and I always hated Skipper, too. She’s like SWEET VALLEY HIGH level petty. Those were good books and it was a solid TV show. I miss them, but damn did those girls engage in some petty bullshit and so does Jordan. She threatens to make-out with her boyfriend and possibly sleep with him if Quinn doesn’t let her move in.
Like Quinn isn’t dealing with enough! She has an app that’s trying to kill her, a degenerate doc that’s trying to maul her and now a little sis who’s threatening to get busy in a closet! Come on. Leave Quinn alone. I swear, if I was Quinn I would have downloaded the app on Jordan’s phone. “There you go, bitch. Now you die for being annoying!” What a stupid tween twit!
Don’t worry. I don’t have kids.
After Jordan’s tantrum, Quinn tries to buy a new phone and get rid of the app, but it just reappears. She freaks out after having another delusion and being grabbed by some strange demonic force. She crashes her car into some dweeb with a Lexus who starts yelling. Fuck him and his fancy-pants car. It’s not gonna get you laid, buddy. Ask Doc Sullivan!
As Lexus Larry stomps his feet, Matt (Jordan Sullivan) runs over and defends her. He has the countdown app too and knows that Quinn is trying to get rid of it. They hit a bar and trick an anti-Semitic conspiracy theorist into going to the app so they can read the terms and conditions. Matt and Quinn work well together. There’s a funny joke in this scene too. I won’t spoil it but it’s in regards to the drunk, tin-foil hat dude.
Much like FINAL DESTINATION, they begin trying to find a way to beat the clock.
Believe it or not, this flick was a lot of fun. I didn’t expect it to be. I was fully thinking this was going to be main-stream, recycled, watered down trash, but I was wrong. It was cool.
Now, this isn’t a scary flick. There are a few somewhat creepy scenes. If laughing kids unnerve you, you’ll get a chill up your spine, but overall it’s tame. Twelve year old kids could safely watch this without being plagued by nightmares, unless the kid’s a pussy! (It’s a joke – don’t @ me)
The acting was above average, the characters were surprisingly well-defined the pace was good, there was some hilarious bits and the conclusion was rock solid. It’s a very decent horror movie. Is it going to be remembered or revered like THE CONJURING (2013)? No, but it’s not going to be loathed nor is it cringe-worthy like BLACK CHRISTMAS (2019) either.
COUNTDOWN actually accomplishes something that the new BLACK CHRISTMAS attempted to, but failed. There are a few scenes in COUNTDOWN where obvious hot topic issues are targeted. Sexual harassment, the METOO movement, racism, bigotry and stereotypes are all weaved into subplots of the film. The movie quickly addresses these issues in a way that makes since within the plot. It isn’t shoehorned in nor do the filmmakers preach to the viewer, yet their messages on each issue, was made abundantly clear. I am the first to object when a movie preaches, is too PC or tries to make an unnecessary statement in a film where it doesn’t belong. Kudos to COUNTDOWN for finding a way that works within the context of the movie to say what they wanted to say without being dicks about it.
So, should you watch COUNTDOWN? Yeah! Do it, right now – or whenever. There’s no rush. It’s good though. I grabbed it out of Redbox and they had this coupon so I got it for free. I’d pay more than that to watch it. I’d pay $5.00.
My one grievance is that they didn’t play Final Countdown, by Europe. Why didn’t they do that? Buy those rights, baby. It’s a good song, bro. That said, since Tichina Arnold was in the flick, I’ll let it slide. I love her. She was in LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS (1986) and that movie makes me happy.
Scared Stiff Rating: 6.5/10
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