By Dash Jordan
Hey! Dash Jordan here, and we’re about to embark on yet another adventure. Stashed away in one of the darkest corners of a bedroom closet…Now, it’s found its way back into the light. My friends, this is a review 20 years in the making, and I am all out of coffee and sesame cake…this may be a rough one.
Ah yes, the 1990s. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. You are not a true 90s kid unless you know exactly how this film was greenlit. Well, how about we do the math on this one? ‘Congo’ is a 1995 action-adventure film directed by Frank Marshall and based on the 1980 novel by the late Michael Crichton. How about now? Yes, they had a Michael Crichton. My dear viewers, welcome to Coincidence Park.
In my professional opinion, this is all dumb…dumb dumb dumb…just greedy…shameless…and DUMB!
Is it just me, or does it seem like whenever a certain movie becomes this great big masterpiece, the studio thinks that they could copy, paste and edit? Much like how almost every movie from the 70s and 80s had to be about space so they could cash in on ‘Star Wars’, Paramount Pictures felt the need to make a movie out of anything, just as long as Michael Crichton wrote it. Ever watched ‘Jurassic Park’? Well, ‘Congo’ is basically the Special Donkey Kong’s Cut Editon of ‘Jurassic Park’!
Nor do I, my dear childhood nightmare-fuel…nor do I.
No disrespect to Michael Crichton, he was a great author. But even with some of the best authors, not all their stories can translate well to film. Hell, I hear the book is actually really good. Maybe if the movie wasn’t made until now and starred Andy Serkis or something, then it’d be amazing…probably. Unfortunately, Paramount just had to do this during the 90s.
Damn right, Andy! Anyway, the story itself just all over the place. It’s basically about this expedition traveling into the jungle for MANY different reasons. I mean one guy wants to find this lost city of diamonds, some woman wants to find Bruce Campbell for the same diamonds because they could power up some laser gun that’s supposed to make cell phone signals better I guess, and then another guy wants to return a domesticated gorilla back to her home. Let me say that again. A DOMESTICATED Gorilla being returned to THE JUNGLE! Dude, isn’t that kinda like going on a road trip to find a Blockbuster just so you can finally return your old VHS rental of ‘Basic Instinct’ after years of wear and tear, drooling over Sharon Stone?…AND the Rewind button? What’s the friggin’ point? The damage is already done!
By the way, the very unconvincing-looking gorillas look very unconvincing.
Unlike ‘Kung Fury’ which is a movie that tries to be bad and turns out awesome, ‘Congo’ tried so hard to be awesome but turned out bad. Bad doesn’t necessarily mean it’s ‘completely’ awful, however. You can thank the Bruce Campbell cameo for that. Aside from that, the film also stars Ernie Hudson and Tim Curry who hardly give bad performances in even some of their worst movies. To be fair though, how many bad movies do you know got the token black Ghostbuster and Dr. Frank N. Furter sharing the scenery? Exactly!
‘Congo’ also holds the distinction of having many funny moments that I don’t think were even meant to be funny in the first place…but that only makes it even funnier! Don’t take some of the things I’ve said about the movie so far to heart, people. ‘Congo’ may be bad, but it’s a ‘watchable’ kind of bad. Trust me, a movie like this deserves most of its Razzie nominations. But then, there’s moments like this:
Trust me kids, if you decide not to see this movie, you may miss out on one or to funny scenes that you could easily find on YouTube. If you do decide to watch this movie, you won’t regret it. You’ll gain nothing but you won’t lose anything either. Come for the sesame cake, and stay for the Cheap-O-Rillas. ‘Congo’, where your brain cells are the endangered species…As for me? I gotta Dash.
