By Geno McGahee
I am so fucking sick and tired of aliens abducting dudes and shoving shit up their asses. A lot of people don’t believe in alien abduction, but I’m guessing their tune would change if they had an alien shove an extraterrestrial dildo up their ass.
COMMUNION is a flick that I wanted to see for a long time but, for some reason, never got around to seeing until now. It is based on true events, written by the dude that said aliens cornholed him. Christopher Walken stars as Whitley, a writer that is having a difficult time gaining any momentum in the writing of his new novel. He has a wife, Anne (Lindsay Crouse) and a young son, Andrew (Joel Carson).
Whitley is friends with the one-armed man from THE FUGITIVE, Alex (Andreas Katsulas), and his wife, Sarah (Terri Hanauer), and they invite them to out to their cabin in the woods for a good time. On the first night, the place lights up and it freaks out the one-armed man and his wife and they insist on going home. Whitley and his family aren’t sure what’s going on, but things start to fall into place.
After freaking out over an big insect Halloween costume, Whitley starts to admit that he is having strange dreams or hallucinations that have been bothering him. When it turns out that his son has the same exact story, Whitley realizes that there might be more to it and goes to a psychologist and she recommends hypnosis and that’s when we learn about the alien rape. Fucking rapists aliens.
The aliens take out this long hose with a dildo thing attached to the end and shove it up Whitley’s ass, hard. I don’t believe Whitley’s story. I’m sorry. I believe in aliens, but I believe that beings with superior intelligence and technology would not have such a brutal sex machine. They would make the gentlest dildo in the universe. There is no need to cram a metal dildo with no lube up the ass of an earthling.
Whitley is having a hard time and his wife isn’t making it any easier. If you got the wrong end of an alien’s sex toy, you’d have issues too and the wife should have understood and been there to console him. If I got buttfucked by E.T., I’d hope my wife would be there to believe me, console me, and get an ice pack ready for me to sit on.
The film does a great job in building suspense. I was really into it and when Whitley was ready to go back to the cabin and deal with those fucking aliens, the film became very silly with Whitley dancing and giving high-fives to the aliens. If somebody shoved a huge dildo up your ass against your will, would you give them a high five? You would? Sick.
COMMUNION is a great film until the ending. It was really interesting and Walken is awesome, as always. I didn’t like how this ended and wasn’t a huge fan of the fat aliens that hung out with the greys. I know that there are probably all sorts of different aliens out there, but I’m used to the greys and the greys alone. I don’t need any fat short shits in an alien movie. They belong in PHANTASM.
I recommend COMMUNION, but prepare to be disappointed. The film is so good until the last 20 minutes when it falls apart. If you can forgive a very bad ending, you will love this film.
