By Geno McGahee
In 1986, Sylvester Stallone’s ego was about as big as it could get. Coming off of ROCKY IV, a huge blockbuster that brought home 300 million at the box office and RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II, another 300 million dollar winner, Sly was at the top of his game and could do what he basically wanted. He wanted to do BEVERLY HILLS COP, but was so difficult that they booted him from the project. His answer was the 1986 action film “COBRA,” which is basically what he wanted BEVERLY HILLS COP to be.
Sly begins the film talking like a tough guy, slowly and probably with his teeth clinched, as he goes over crime statistics. This sounds like a guy with short man syndrome and it makes sense because Stallone is short. We then get to a cult group of some sort that enjoy clanging axes together while standing in a circle. The illuminati is difficult to understand.
A grocery store is a great setting for an action scene and COBRA does it right here. A crazy guy with a shotgun starts shooting everything up and killing a dude. The cops surround the store and they are frustrated, leading Captain Sears (Art LaFleur) to say “call in the Cobra.” If I was a police captain, I would definitely hire a guy that goes by the name of “the Cobra” because you know he would get you out of any jam.
So, we get our first real look at Stallone as the Cobra and he is wearing the world’s tightest jeans. I would think that an action star would need pants that they could move well in. He enters the grocery store and meets up with the gunman, who is apparently a member of the illuminati, noting that he is a member of the New World Order. Perhaps Hogan, Hall and Nash were looking for a new member, but I’m guessing he was part of illuminati group with the axes from the beginning.
The dialogue is very weak. It was written by Sly Stallone and the witty one-liners that you see in the Arnie movies. When the shooter threatened to blow up the store, Stallone responds “I don’t shop here anyway.” It didn’t work and when you consider that there were a lot of hostages that were going to be killed if he went ahead with it. I’m sure they did not see the humor in it.
The grocery store shooter gets killed and we learn about the Night Slasher (Brian Thompson), a serial killer that has been killing people like crazy. Cobra wants on the case, but he has to deal with Detective Monte (Andrew Robinson) up his ass. Whenever you have a badass, you need a wimp to even it out and the wimp has to be a douchebag too. Stallone gets it right here with the balance.
Ingrid (Brigitte Nielsen) is a model that gets a quick look at the Night Slasher and now she’s a marked woman, but not before she goes to a shoot where she poses with a shit ton of robots. What the fuck is with Stallone’s obsession with robots? One year earlier, he had that fucking robot in ROCKY IV that was jerking off Paulie and now this? Fucking robots. I bet Stallone gets a hard on when he watches ROBOCOP.
After the robot shoot, Dan (David Rasche), the photographer, walks her out to her car and asks for sex in return for a future in modeling. This shit happens a lot, I think…at least that’s what I’ve heard. I’m guessing that photographers that own 50 robots to use to shoots want all sorts of kinky sex, but could a dude that owns so many robots really guarantee you success? I’ve known a lot of successful people and none of them owned more than one robot. Most owned zero robots.
The Night Slasher attacks in the parking garage and Dan is toast. I felt bad for the poor guy. Ingrid gets away and makes it to the cops and is interviewed by Cobra and fuck is Stallone monotone in this. His delivery is so dull.
Ingrid is put into protective custody, I guess, in a hospital. The Night Slasher shows up and kills a custodian and steals his glasses and uniform. I wonder if he did have vision problems. I can see the uniform but why the glasses? The custodian was five feet tall and Hispanic. The Night Slasher was tall, muscular and white. The glasses did not help him look like the custodian he killed.
The group of illuminati guys attack Cobra at his apartment, but they only bring axes. I guess this new world will be one of no guns or knives…only axes. Maybe only one knife is permitted because the Night Slasher has one and he tries to use it on Ingrid and we get a pretty cool scene where he breaks through a door and tries to slash at her. Brian Thompson does a really good job as the crazy killer in this.
The powerful group of axe-clangers include a bad cop, Officer Stalk (Lee Garlington), and she has the hots for the Night Slasher and helps him in his killing spree. She is also the inside person that assists in tracking down Ingrid.
Monte keeps shoving his fist up Cobra’s ass and he’s not having it anymore. He roughs up Monte and still, somehow, keeps his job. Monte is such a dickhead that he would definitely file a complaint against Cobra, but he doesn’t. The Captain is such a Cobra cheerleader, I’m guessing Monte felt he would get nowhere. He probably says things like “Cobra is sucking the Captain’s dick” to the other detectives that are with him.
They show those dudes clanging axes together again, or did they never stop? I wonder if they just stand in an empty warehouse and just bang axes together all day and if there is a contest to see who can do it the longest. I wonder what the point of it is.
On the run, Ingrid asks Cobra if he “gets involved.” He replies “With a woman? A real woman?” What kind of women has he been with? I’m guessing they must have had man junk or he was talking about a prior history of buggery. Whatever the case, his reply was very strange. The only way it could be stranger is if he replied “with a human?” Then you’d definitely know of his love of buggery, but what action star would ever be successful if they made it with animals on the side. That’s not hero behavior.
Cobra and Ingrid share a hotel room and I was hoping for a scene where Ingrid tells somebody: “Hey, Cobra blew up the bathroom last night.” With those tight jeans squeezing his stomach, along with the stress of the job, I’m guessing he gets the shits with regularity.
The duo get attacked by the axe-clangers on bikes and it gives Cobra some people to kill. I was hoping for the line “he axed for it,” but it wasn’t to be. Ingrid runs to a foundry and is followed by the crooked Stalk and there’s a security guard working there. Action films do not treat security guards well and this one is no different. After motioning Stalk to get lost, the poor dude, probably making minimum wage, gets shot in the chest and killed.
I have to give Stallone his just due here. He sets one of the bad guys on fire and I’ve always loved that. He poured some chemical on him that was making him scream. He was either in pain or upset that his jacket was ruined. Stallone, who has been chewing on a matchstick from jump, finally gets to use it and drops it on him, lighting him up. He says “you have the right to remain silent,” but he should have said “you have the right to remain screaming,” considering that nobody that burns alive is silent.
“We kill the weak so the strong survive,” the Night Slasher booms, giving his motive to the murders. Apparently, he and his group of axe-clangers are not a big fan of weak people and just go around killing those that aren’t total badasses. How does killing the weak help the strong survive? Is he contending there’s a food shortage? He really doesn’t get into his motives too deep and just starts talking about the judicial system being lenient.
I give another point to Stallone for the death of the Night Slasher. Sure, it had to do with fire again, but it was different enough from the first one to stand out. The foundry proved a good place to kill bad guys if you’re a cop and the carnage really impresses the Captain and even Monte. When Monte tells him what a good job he did, Cobra sucker punches him. What a fucking dickhead cocksucker Cobra is. Monte should join the axe-clangers and shove one of them up Cobra’s muscular ass.
COBRA is a fucking mess and Stallone’s monotone performance is shit, but there is enough here to make it a great watch. I love the ending at the foundry and the overall atmosphere of the film. Had Stallone not been totally up his ass with this film, it could have been really really good. This film shows where Sly was at this time in his career and how much free reign he had. Despite that, he came through, more or less. I recommend COBRA but don’t expect to be really cheering until the very end, unless you’re an axe-clanging enthusiast.
