By Geno McGahee
I usually don’t like movies that have animals as a primary focus, unless it’s an ape. I like movies about gorillas and chimps but I’ve never been a dog movie fan, but I give every film a fair chance. CHRISTMAS WITH TUCKER is about a boy and dog and the guy from THE AMITYVILLE HORROR. He is still so terrified of that fucking house that all his hair turned white. I felt bad for him, but I think it settles the debate. The Amityville Horror story is true after all.
Whoever wrote this obviously had a hard for A CHRISTMAS STORY. I hate that movie and I love Christmas movies. It’s just one of those classics that I just really cannot watch. I won’t go as far to say that I hate it, but I’d rather watch THE CHRISTMAS GIFT with John Denver and for those that I’ve not bought a gift for yet, don’t watch THE CHRISTMAS GIFT. You’re welcome.
We have George McCray (Gage Munroe) narrating this as he looks back on his life when he was younger and living with his grandparents, Bo (James Brolin/Amityville Horror Guy) and Cora (Barbara Gordon), after the death of his father. I was pretty disappointed that he didn’t mention anything about his grandfather’s hair being white and referencing the haunted house he used to reside in. This movie bored me pretty early. It made me link Amityville to it, which made it more enjoyable.
The McCray farm is the shit in the small town they live in and that doesn’t sit well with Thorne (Ron Lea), a local bum that really hates them. Despite his hatred, he still leans on them and they still look out for him. When he goes to jail, Bo agrees to take in his dog, which has no name. Thorne just yells “dog” when he sees him. I don’t see an issue with it. The dog thinks his name is “dog”. Nothing wrong with that.
When the dog joins the household, George immediately becomes friends with him. His grandparents were happy because it shut him up. They were sick of him whining about his dead father. It’s almost Christmas. Who wants a downer that time of year?
The dog is named “Tucker” after Cora says that the dog or her grandson or somebody was “tuckered out.” At this point, I was tuckered out and wanted to put on a better film, but I was determined to finish this and I am in the Christmas spirit. I love this holiday and sometimes films can be a really slow burn and end up being really enjoyable.
With Thorne let out of jail, Tucker needs to go home and what an ungrateful asshole Thorne is. The McCray family returns the dog and Thorne is just an asshole. I began thinking that maybe he got violated in jail. That happens to the new guy. I’ve seen it in movies like THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION and AMERICAN HISTORY X. They never went into it, but perhaps Thorne was passed around a little.
Since Bo’s son dropped dead, he needed a new servant. So, George is now going to do all the work, including milking the cows, delivering the milk and plowing the streets. This poor kid is 12 years old and he has a full time job now and he feels obligated to do it because his grandparents guilt him into it. They keep mentioning how his dad used to do it. He should be home playing Xbox and eating pizza, but they put him to work.
As George goes to work, he stops by Thorne’s house and tries to negotiate Tucker’s release. It’s a deal if George will go and grab some moonshine from another town loser, Turner (John Tench), and bring it back. He does that and Thorne tells the poor kid to fuck off and that there was no deal. Karma comes around and bites Thorne in the ass when he gets alcohol poisoning and almost dies. He would have died if George didn’t save his life.
This is where George fucks up. He finds Thorne on the floor dying. He should have taken Tucker and left and whatever happens, happens, but he saves Thorne’s life, but he gets to keep Tucker while Thorne is in the hospital recovering. I hate people that have money like Bo in this shit that never says a bad word about trash like Thorne. I think Thorne is right. The McCray family thought they were better than him. A real good guy with money would say that Thorne is a human piece of garbage and a lifetime loser. Call it like it is Bo!
The film goes on and on with George smiling all the fucking time as he looks as Tucker. I love animals as much as the next guy, but fuck, the amount of smiling going on made me uncomfortable.
What really pissed me off about this story was when Bo, in bed with some cold or something, gets rid of Tucker to punish George for delivering moonshine to Thorne. George was working for that old fuck as he sat on his ass and milking the freaking cows and he tears into him because he gave some drunk moonshine.
This film ends with the grown up George still with Tucker who is now a lard ass and everyone is happy and Thorne is all cleaned up. I did it. I made it to the end of this fucking film. I don’t know how I did it, but I did.
CHRISTMAS WITH TUCKER is very very boring. It’s not really a Christmas film. The holiday comes into play at the very ending, but overall, it’s about a fight over custody of a dog. I would have liked to see Tucker maul Thorne to death like that scene in MAN’S BEST FRIEND with that creepy junkyard owner from Newhart. It didn’t happen. This film is so dull and meaningless. I would say that it’s 90 minutes of my life I wanted back, but I would probably have wasted that time on something else.
