By Geno McGahee
It is that time of the year where Lifetime and Hallmark pump out Christmas movies like crazy, giving me plenty to choose from for my annual Xmas holiday review spree. The recent releases by Lifetime and Hallmark that I watched and reviewed weren’t great, but I don’t quit easy. So, I watched CHRISTMAS ON THE VINE, a new film by Lifetime.
Brooke (Julianna Guill) is a marketing expert that works in the city. It’s Christmas time and she really wants to return to her small town where she grew up, and her boss, Sarah, has an opportunity for her. Lockwood Crest Winery is in big trouble and it just so happens to be in the town she grew up in.
There is now doubt that Brooke is in love with the holiday. As she drives to the town, she is smiling big and singing along to Christmas music. This is a common thing here in this movie. Every character smiles as big as they can when they smile. The director must have demanded it. Their faces must have been sore from smiling that big. If I met somebody, even at Christmas, and they smiled huge and held the smile, I would back slowly out of the room and haul ass out of town.
Tyler (Jon Cor) and his mother, Evelyn (Chilton Crane), are running the winery for now and are trying to stay alive and keep the family business going. Brooke drives up and sees Tyler helping some old lady to the car with a case of wine and what a pain in the ass that old lady was. As he’s helping the old lady, he sees Brooke and they realize they went to high school together and they begin flirting with each other. Right when Tyler was making some progress, the old bitch yells over to him to hurry it up and then has questions about sniffing corks. What a cock blocker.
After reviewing the winery, Brooke comes up with the plan to save it. She thinks that the winery needs to be more festive. I can only imagine her boss talking to the rest of the employees when Brooke is gone. “Yeah, I sent her away to another gig. It’s a winery that needs help. Any guesses what her marketing plan will be?” They all say in unison “Christmas décor?” They all laugh. Now, I’m not saying it’s a terrible idea. I love Christmas, but this seems to be her only game.
Brooke and Tyler hit it off and meet up at a coffee shop. Usually, I wouldn’t bring up a coffee shop scene, where nothing really happens, in my review, but I want to mention the barista. Jack (Liam Boland) is the happiest guy ever to appear in film with the biggest smile in the film. It’s creepy. Now, I go to Starbucks with regularity and their baristas are as nice as can be and they smile and I feel welcomed. If I went to a coffee shop and this dude just stared at me and smiled, I would not be comfortable with him making my coffee. Who knows what he’d do to it? I don’t blame Boland for the strange performance. I blame the director. I know he said “smile like somebody is tickling your balls with a feather.”
This film is a rarity of sorts for Lifetime, with the lead characters hitting it off immediately with both being single and interested in each other. There’s typically a conflict or fiancée somewhere that has to be ditched. It doesn’t exist here. Brooke and Tyler just hit it off and begin doing what couples do. They go sledding together and are just hanging out all the time, but Tyler isn’t making any move. What was he waiting for?!
To get a better idea of what the winery was about, Tyler starts educating Brooke on the business. She takes a big sip and Tyler quickly says “don’t swallow!” I began to wonder what sort of film I was watching, but he was talking about the wine. Brooke then talks about her good times in the town when she was younger and how she used to have a job at the winery, stomping grapes. I wish she said “make a move or I’ll stomp your fucking grapes!” Once again, what is Tyler waiting for?!
Carla Kilgore (Meredith Baxter) of Kilgore Winery is systematically running family wineries out of business and she has Lockwood Crest in her crosshairs. Damn, I already didn’t like Baxter going into this. I remember her in FAMILY TIES. Fucking hippy. I hate hippies. I hate that folk music shit that she used to sing as she played that fucking guitar while her hubby with a mustache rubbed one out and her son went back to the future. Why did I watch that show? I hated that show. OK, so, back on track here. Carla and Brooke begin butting heads over the future of Lockwood and we have a decent villain in this. I think every holiday movie needs a villain.
To attract big distributors, they make a commercial where Brooke is dressed like an elf and Tyler is dressed up as Santa. Wow, Brooke is really involved. I just think she wanted to dress like an elf. Remarkably, the commercial really pisses Carla off. I have to give Baxter credit here. Her reaction is priceless. She looks so furious that Tyler is dressed like Santa and made a commercial about it.
Remarkably, the Santa commercial brings the distributors down to Lockwood and Brooke has one more idea to push them over the top. She comes up with a holiday blend of the wine to introduce and, all of a sudden, Tyler isn’t on board anymore, bitching that it’s a family business and he didn’t want change. I guess this is the conflict I’ve been waiting for…finally, but it doesn’t last that long. Once Brooke goes and talks to him, he’s on board. She convinced him that his dead grandfather wanted this holiday blend. How can a corpse drink wine?
There’s a happy ending with a distributor picking up Lockwood Crest, due in large part to the holiday blend that Brooke came up with. Tyler finally makes a move and the two become a couple, but that took forever. I can understand being nervous, but Brooke was flirting from the second she got there. How could he not see the signs?!
CHRISTMAS ON THE VINE isn’t bad. I had a couple laughs. As much as I mentioned the forced huge smiles, I laughed when I saw the cast try to hold them in place. I have to give props to the director for that. I have to recommend this one. If you are looking for a Lifetime holiday movie to watch that won’t bore you to pieces, this one might be for you.
