By Geno McGahee
A farm and Christmas goes together so well. I wonder why that is. Maybe it’s just me that thinks this way. I’ve never worked on a farm. I never owned a farm. My time on the farm is minimal. I got some uncles that aren’t allowed around farm animals, but that has nothing to really do with this review. Whatever the case, CHRISTMAS ON THE RANGE taking place around a farm is a good thing.
Kendall Riley (Erin Cahill) is running the farm that her father started and is making the place go organic and she’s doing it without any of that preachy shit. Usually, a person can’t eat a Banquet Salisbury steak dinner without getting one of those eat organic assholes telling you that it’s shit. of course it’s shit. It only cost 99 cents. Kendall doesn’t do that though. She’s just a nice person that wants to see her farm succeed without any of that chemical bullshit they pump into cows.
Speaking of pumping it into a cow, Kendall has a pregnant cow with complications. She is trying to get the calf out, but it’s not easy, until Clint McCree (Nicholas Gonzalez) shows up. Clint is a good name for a guy on the farm and not only does he have the right name, he’s also a vet and assists getting that calf out and the two begin to feeling the love.
It is soon found out that Clint is the son of the evil asshole, Brick McCree (A Martinez), the owner of the biggest farm around and the biggest prick in the area. His first scene is this film has him firing some poor guy and when he begs for his job, he threatens to have his goon, Hank (Drew Waters), fuck him up…and there’s another good name. If I was hanging out with guys like Hank and Clint, I’d be much tougher than I am.
As Clint tries to get it going with Kendall, he is also trying to patch up things with his dad after he finds out that he has cancer. Clint’s mom, Lillian (Lindsay Wagner), has also returned to make things right before Brick drops dead. She was a bricklayer. That’s not a good joke. Sorry.
Brick decides that he is going to make Kendall’s life miserable before he drops dead. He hates her. He hates her family. He hates her farm. He hates everything about her ranch. He is a hater, but nobody knows why except for Lillian. As Clint and Kendall get close, Lillian finally spills the beans. Brick wanted to get his rocks off with Kendall’s mother and she gave him blue balls and cut him loose. He has never forgiven her or her future husband. He now wants revenge on the daughter and he’s pulling out every trick in the book. He is stealing her customers and sabotaging her at every turn.
In a final attempt to derail Kendall’s success, Brick sends his goons to release all of her cattle. When Clint tries to stop it, Hank and the boys hand him his ass. They stomped the tar out of him. They opened a can of whoop ass. Clint was left for dead and when Kendall finds him, she somehow tosses his body onto a horse and rides him over to Brick’s house. At this point, Brick starts to see that he’s fucking up.
As Clint recovers, Kendall sits by and now knows that she is shit out of luck with her business. Brick really fucked her over and it is revealed that he is in remission and now everyone is really really mad at him. You can be an asshole, but it sucks when everyone turns their back on you and hates your guts and is upset that you don’t have cancer. He realizes that he must change his ways or his son, his ex-wife, maybe Hank, possibly his favorite donkey, will all ditch him. So, Brick decides to use his powers for good and rescues Kendall’s business.
The cast in this film is really good, especially Erin Cahill and A. Martinez. The supporting cast with Dawntavia Marrero and Dash Pomerantz as Kendall’s best friends is very funny and good. There really isn’t a bad apple in this bunch and the story is decent. The biggest issue this film has is that it fails to really capture the Christmas feel. This film could be set at any time and the holiday feels sort of shoved in.
CHRISTMAS ON THE RANGE was a good movie. It isn’t a warm and fuzzy holiday film to be remembered, but it’s definitely worth a watch. I did find it odd that when Kendall and Clint kiss for the first time the crowd cheers, but then they cheer at every other kiss. I say bless you once when somebody sneezes. If they sneeze again, they can fuck themselves. I feel the same with kissing. Also, when you keep kissing each other in public, some will cheer, but others may start pleasuring themselves and who wants that? Especially at Christmas!!!
So, check this movie out. You could definitely do worse.
