By Geno McGahee
I often wonder why I was born into a dirt poor shit family and never inherited anything. I have been waiting around by the phone just in case I’m wrong and I get that call that I have been left something amazing. I don’t think that call is coming my way, but in the world of Hallmark Christmas movies, this sort of thing happens often. CHRISTMAS LAND is one of those films.
Jules (Nikki Deloach) is a big city marketing person that is on the verge of marrying her asshole boyfriend, Mitchell (Jason-Shane Scott). I knew he wasn’t going to make it to the end of this film with her. He didn’t respect the holiday enough and also frowned upon small town living. The third strike was that he had planned a tropical vacation during the Christmas season. What an asshole.
An urgent message arrives and Jules finds out that she has inherited Christmas Land, a basic town that her grandmother owned and operated. It is a place where people stand around smiling with huge fucking smiles and wave and repeat. Immediately, the plan becomes to sell it as Jules and Mitchell see the easy life as a good life. Fuck Christmas Land. Show me the money.
Upon arrival at Christmas Land, Jules is met by Tucker (Luke Macfarlane), a smiley prick that really loves the holiday and the town. It was easy to see that he was going to be the love interest and that Mitchell was going to get the boot.
After being shown around, Jules mentions that she is going to sell Christmas Land and that does not go over well. Tucker’s Uncle Frank (Wes Wright), a total bald prick, gives her all sorts of shit over it. Jules is apologetic rather than the right reaction which would have been shoving the entire Christmas tree up Frank’s ass until he changed his attitude.
Gretchen (Chonda Pierce) and Eloise (Annette Wright), the ice cream woman and baker of Christmas Land, voice their opinion about selling the place and are total bitches to Jules who just takes it. For a happy place, Christmas Land is treating Jules like a piece of shit. I was pissed off for her.
Despite putting the place on the market, Jules decides to restore it and run it like her grandmother did to help the sale. If the potential buyers see it in action, she’ll get more money for it, or at least that’s the idea and a buyer finally shows up, thanks to Mitchell. Mason Richards (Richard Karn) shows up and convinces her to sell it and implies that he’s going to keep it as is and run it like her grandmother did, but he has other plans and Mitchell knows it. Christmas Land is going to be torn down and sold off in lots.
Jules realizes that she wants out of the deal but she’s stuck and needs to raise over a million bucks to get it back. It looks hopeless and Tucker is now being an asshole as well. I don’t blame him totally. He got that from his Uncle Frank. It runs in the family.
As with every Hallmark Christmas movie, this film will not have a sad ending. Christmas Land wasn’t torn down and pissed on by that Mason guy. Uncle Frank didn’t get so depressed that he found the tallest Christmas tree and hanged himself. This film was going to end with everyone happy as Jules regains ownership and hooks up with Tucker while Mitchell has to stay home and play with his candy cane.
CHRISTMAS LAND is predictable but not bad by Hallmark standards. I think the director needed to pull back a little because when the actors are happy, they are literally smiling like they are insane. I thought that Deloach wasn’t giving the best performance with her big smiles and fake laughter, but everyone followed suit. Obviously, the director said “ham it up” to everyone.
If you are looking for a Hallmark Christmas movie to watch, you can do worse than this.
Rating: 6/10
