By James Witherspoon
Yo, check this out. I was driving and I got a page. I pulled over and took out my cell and heard my friend, the LEGENDARY star of ROCKY, Carl Weathers, died. Really? Really? Nice try fella. YA HEARD! Now, I called my friend, Carl, or Action Jackson, as I call him, and he answered and he was steaming mad. He was furious. He was angrier than the time when Frank Stallone accidentally rubbed against his sack.
My god, imagine if Carl’s family saw those headlines! I did some research and found out that the guy spreading this stuff is a cellar dwelling, EBT-toting, soy boy LOSER and I’m putting them on blast! Get a job LOSER!
Now, I caught up with Carl and some of my celebrity LEGENDARY friends and he had the following to say:
“James, firstly, you are the best writer of all time. I feel like I did in Happy Gilmore but instead of my hand being gnawed off, this soy boy got my balls in an alligator’s mouth. I’m going to track down this EBT-toting LOSER and get behind him and show him it’s all in the hips! By the way, for the record, I hated the CREED movies. They made my boy a pussy. Why didn’t he just jack off Drago’s son?” — Carl Weathers
“SOUL PATROL! I can’t believe they said this stuff about my friend, Carl. That doesn’t make me proud! This reminds me when Ruben Studdard took a big dump in the shitter and didn’t flush it and then laughed when I walked in. Well, he wasn’t laughing that hard when I stole his box of cupcakes…Lardass. SOUL PATROL!” – American Idol Legend, Taylor Hicks
“I never needed Carl Weathers in the CREED movies. All I needed was some batteries. He he he. That’s a vibrator joke. Bill Cosby told me that one. Considering you have billions of readers James, I want to publicly show my support for Cosby. Don’t worry. I’ll send you more pillows to sit on.” – Legendary Actress, Phylicia Rashad
“Phylicia, please send me more lube. Those are some big pudding pops they’re shoving up my ass.” — Bill Cosby
As you can see, Carl has all kinds of support. YA HEARD!
(Note: Above comments may not be those of celebrities listed.)
