By Geno McGahee
Professional wrestling has not been something that has translated well to the big screen. Movies like the 2000 WCW “READY TO RUMBLE” didn’t win the sport many fans and GRUNT! THE WRESTLING MOVIE wasn’t a quality film in 1985. There were a couple of high points, but not many. THE WRESTLER with Mickey Rourke in 2008 became a hit and the most notable wrestling movie (in my opinion) NO HOLDS BARRED set the standard in 1989. Before Hulk Hogan became “Rip” and took on Zeus, another WWE (WWF) star was featured in a movie about pro wrestling. BODY SLAM came out in 1986 and starred “Rowdy” Roddy Piper in one of the lead roles. Although this film isn’t what I would call quality, I couldn’t help but to enjoy it. It was so eighties.
A-TEAM star, Dirk Benedict stars as Harry Smilac, a manager that has represented musical acts but has had a dry run lately. They take away his car and he has bills adding up. He goes to see his lawyer, Sheldon (Barry Gordon), and he agrees to help if he agrees to put together a political fundraiser. Reluctantly, Harry agrees, but has more interest in the daughter of the politician, Candace played by Tanya Roberts. Roberts was one of the hottest chicks in the 1980s and she was in high demand. I know because I was 13 when I first saw SHEENA and demanded more. She was in other notable 80’s films like A VIEW TO A KILL, THE BEASTMASTER and she even had a role in one of my favorite horror films, TOURIST TRAP. So, if you’re looking for a hot chick in the 80s, look no further than Roberts.
As he sets up the fundraiser, Harry stumbles into a meeting with Quick Rick Roberts (Piper) and a promoter. Roberts is trying to argue his case that he deserves more money because there are more tickets being sold, but the promoter will not budge…until Harry comes in and starts representing him. Harry, under the assumption that Roberts is the singer in a band, agrees to manage him, only to find out later that he is a pro wrestler. This gets Captain Lou (Captain Lou Albano) infuriated. He had a monopoly on wrestling and now this new manager is going to hurt it.
Tonga Tom (Sam Fatu), another wrestler, and buddy of Roberts, signs with Harry as well and now we have a tag team and the first match is against two masked men. The 1980s loved putting masks on the wrestlers. Sometimes masks can be cool. Kane from the WWE had a cool look with a mask, but other times, not so much. The two dudes that Tonga Tom and Quick Rick beat up weren’t that impressive.
As Harry and his wrestlers gain popularity, the manager is invited onto “Ring Talk,” a popular wrestling talk show with Captain Lou and homophobic little person, Tim McClusky (Billy Barty). New to the game, Harry becomes a victim of the wrath of Captain Lou and ends up in a neck brace, after being called several gay slurs. Only in the 80s could you be a little person and talk such smack. Then again, I’ve not known many little people. So, you have to take my opinion for what it is. I don’t know shit.
Ring Talk featured that no-talent hack, Charles Nelson Reilly. First, he wears those child molester glasses and then he has that stupid fake voice. Who the fuck ever thought he was funny at all? BODY SLAM wasn’t a bad movie (wasn’t a good one), but when they put Charles Nelson Reilly into the mix, I was tempted to shut it off.
After the fundraiser turned into a disaster, Harry came up with a new idea. He was going to team up his musical band, Kick, with his pro wrestlers and start up a rock and wrestling show. Why do I keep thinking HE’S MY GIRL, when I watch this? I wonder if they used the same cinematographer or if I just really, really like the movie HE’S MY GIRL.
The rock and wrestling connection is a hit and it takes over the country and it puts them into a position to challenge Captain Lou’s team “the Cannibals” for the tag team titles. Now, I know that they used a lot of pro wrestlers in this movie and that’s a good thing, but using real wrestlers proved the wrong decision at times, as it did with the Cannibals. They confront Roberts and Tom at the gym and they can barely get out the one sentence that they have to say. All they seem to get down is the walking away with their arms around each other while maniacally laughing. Every scene, they wrap their arms around each other and walk away laughing. I sometimes put my arm around a friend, but never eighteen times in ten minutes. I think that these grapplers needed better direction.
Another visit to RING TALK with Captain Lou, the homophobic little person and Harry leads to an agreement. The match would take place for the tag titles and wrestlers’ contracts as well and as this scene ended, I rejoiced. I’d never have to see that Charles Nelson Reilly again…but fate would be cruel. He and the homophobic little person were doing the commentary for the wrestling match. Terrible.
There is a happy ending. Harry and Candace become a couple, Tonga Tom and Quick Rick win the tag team titles, KICK becomes a big band, Quick Rick’s niece, Missy (Kellie Martin), is even happier now as she watches her uncle’s victory. Why was Quick Rick the guardian of Missy? I wonder why that is. They never go into it. Rick just noted that the two things he loves are wrestling and his niece. I would have liked to know. I would have loved to hear that her parents played a KICK album backwards and heard a subliminal message to commit suicide and did so. That was big in the eighties. It’d work.
A few special notes I want to mention as well. Seeing the “Nature Boy” Ric Flair in the audience was great. You can’t get better than Flair and watching him dance during the KICK song was pretty amusing, but not as amusing as Classy Freddie Blassie. Blassie, to his credit, tried dancing, but quickly realized he hated it and decided to boo instead. Bruno Sammartino was also in attendance and he could really dance too…well, not really, but I live in a glass house. He dances better than I ever could.
BODY SLAM is funny at times, lame most of the time, and is overall, mediocre, but I found it sort of charming. It was from the 80s and I grew up at that time…so it was a walk down memory lane when pro wrestling was great and the fashion was….well, it wasn’t so good, but the wrestling was great. Roddy Piper and Fatu did their best and the late “Hot Rod” would go onto bigger movies in the future. Most notably, the John Carpenter film “THEY LIVE” would be his biggest hit. Dirk Benedict was hilarious in this role and fit it quite well. His acting experience, overacting, and effort helped the novices catch on…with the exception of the Cannibals. They were hopeless.
OK, wrestling fans, I do recommend BODY SLAM. It’s cheesy, but if you like movies like HAMBURGER THE MOVIE, you’ll dig this. You’ll especially love it if you like HE’S MY GIRL. I don’t know why, but it’s true. 98% of HE’S MY GIRL fans, like this film…2% undecided.
Rating: 5.5/10
