By James Witherspoon
Last year, I kicked out Charles. Charles is this soy boy that lives in his mom’s basement and he’s 45 years old. He brought up Trump at the table and would not shut up. GET A JOB you bum. YA HEARD! Now, I got Charles coming over again and he’s already bringing up bullshit man. He brought up my leather slippers, saying it’s cruelty to animals. My leather slippers are glorious and his fat ass is just mad because he can’t afford them and he can’t buy them with his EBT card.
My other relative wants me to go black Friday shopping. Really? Really? When I eat my turkey and my apple pie and put down some wine, I have no interest of standing in line with a bunch of loser idiot rejects and fight over some TV. YA HEARD! I do online shopping. They bring that shit right to my door.
Have you seen those anti-meat losers out there? I saw some soy boy lying on the street naked with big fake turkeys next to him. You can tell that man never had a woman. It will be a cold day in hell before I let some cellar dwelling soy boy ruin my turkey day.
Now, as y’all know, I give out my tips every turkey day and here they are:
Stay home. Black Friday is for shitheads.
No politics at the table.
Don’t let the guy with the EBT card take home the leftovers. GET A JOB YOU BUM.
Don’t let anyone ruin your happy turkey day. I don’t care if a relative drops dead at the table.
Do NOT work the next day. You should eat so much that you have to shit full time for a week.
If you have ANYONE telling you that you should not be eating turkey or any other meat, tell them that you have meat that they can eat.
So, happy turkey day bitches.
