By Geno McGahee
I believe in aliens. I do not believe that they abduct people for their sexual petting zoos as many contend, but I believe that they do exist and come to earth for our many pleasures. I used to know this guy named “Jason,” and now he’s a cop and turned into a real shithead, but that’s beside the fact. He said he was abducted by aliens and can you believe they returned him? If they did take him, I’m sure the alien that brought him to the ship was reprimanded. “Why’d you pick this shithead? Pick a hot chick with big tits,” one alien may note.
For a while now, I have heard of an “actual video” of an alien abduction. I recently saw THE FOURTH KIND and although it boasted that it was a mixture of real footage and re-enactments, I wasn’t convinced. ALIEN ABDUCTION: INCIDENT AT LAKE COUNTY, was rumored to be the real deal. I finally found it on line and watched it and I’m sorry to report, it’s a hoax…well, not really a hoax. It’s like THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, but no witch…aliens this time.
We begin with dysfunctional McPhersons at Thanksgiving. Tommy (Kristian Ayre) wants to go into video production and begins by taping his family outing. He tapes his drunk mother and bothers older brother Kurt (Aaron Pearl). Kurt doesn’t like black people and doesn’t like his sister’s choice in a man, Matthew (Benz Antoine).
As they prepare to eat, the lights go out. Kurt, Tommy, and another brother go out to investigate. They find the fuse box melted and a light post shooting off sparks, but then they stumble across something freaking amazing. They look and there is a UFO with aliens roaming about. The aliens are mutating a cow! You know all those cows that have been mutated and/or molested by the aliens? Well, that is covered here. As they record the aliens doing their thing, the aliens see them and the fun begins.
The family gets together in the house and the aliens begin the attack. They are climbing through windows and shooting their red laser pointers into the house. I hate laser pointers. Do you remember how those fucking pricks used to use them at the movies? I wanted to shove them right up their alien asses. Well, they weren’t aliens at the movies, but I guess they could be. I never got a good look at them.
At one point, Kurt has enough and goes upstairs with a gun and blows a hole right through one of them. Welcome to earth bitch! You come in peace, you leave in pieces. Oh man, where were those lines? How about a “Oh no, you’re not going to molest me and put me in your sexual petting zoo mother fucker!” Maybe I should make the remake of this movie.
The movie slows down to a near stop and the family begins falling apart, but it gets really rough to get through. I wondered if the aliens were as bored outside waiting to come in as I was watching the middle portion of this movie. I began rooting for the aliens. Get rid of these boring people! They’re horrible!!!
There really is no escape from the aliens…with their superior technology and all. I’m sure that their laser pointers are far better than ours here on earth or they come here strictly to steal all of our laser pointers. I don’t know, but the McPhersons were fucked nonetheless.
The ending of the movie is disappointing but it’s basically what I expected. I hate when the camera malfunctions during the most important part! Where’s the money shot! Well, you know what I mean, right? Written and Directed by Dean Alioto, ALIEN ABDUCTION: INCIDENT AT LAKE COUNTY has to be given some points here. It came out prior to THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT and tried to give the viewer some fun. These sort of movies are always fun if they are done well and this one is done somewhat well. I did enjoy it…but I do wish that they could have done something to liven up the middle of this production which was incredibly slow paced and had me prepared to shut it off.
In the end, the movie is worth a watch. The best way to watch it is to fool yourself into believing that it’s real for the 91 minutes it runs. Shut off your skepticism. Shut off your common sense and just go with the flow. Ignore the bad acting at points, especially from the young one there….pretend that she’s just an annoying kid, and you will probably really like this one. If you didn’t like THE BLAIR WITCH, then you will probably think this one is shit too, but if you liked it, you’ll enjoy this to a certain degree. If you like aliens or think that you were abducted by aliens like that cop shithead Jason, then this may just be your movie. I recommend it.
Scared Stiff Rating: 5/10. Aliens ate my turkey.
