By Geno McGahee
It’s that time of year where Hallmark plays holiday films in machine gun fashion, blasting them out 24/7 on two channels. Part of my agenda with this website is to spread joy and Christmas is joy, which is why I will gladly review these films as much as I can. A CHRISTMAS DETOUR stars Candace Cameron and she’s in a lot of these films. Hallmark must have given her a sweet deal or she, like me, is also a big fan of the holiday and the joy that comes along with it. It would be nice if Hallmark sent me a check too. I’m sure they will unless they are secret scrooges.
Paige Summerlind (Cameron) is a writer for a magazine that discusses relationships and she considers herself an expert. She is on the verge of marrying some dude named Jack (Marcus Rosner) and is ready to fly to his family’s house for the holidays to meet the in laws for the first time. She thinks her life is set but then she is forced to sit next to Dylan (Paul Greene) on the plane and he is immediately intrusive. He’s not afraid of sexual harassment charges. I guess they wouldn’t be sexual harassment charges, but he was totally in her business. That happened to me once on a plane. The guy next to me wouldn’t shut up and we were squeezed in there like sardines. Perhaps I could have pressed sexual harassment all things considered.
A snowstorm keeps Dylan and Paige in Buffalo and there is no hope is sight. They are offered joining rooms by the airport, and that does not go well. Dylan blasts his television and drives Paige crazy. They begin arguing and Dylan starts noting that they are “sharing a room.” He knows that she is engaged and that she is going to see her hubby, but he keeps up with the innuendos. I guess if Jack took care of business, he’d be out of business, but it’s still not right to mow another guy’s lawn.
Stranded with Dylan and Paige is Maxine (Sarah Strange) and her husband of 20 years, Frank (David Lewis), and there is tension between the two. Paige goes to a restaurant and sits with them to kill some time and Dylan interrupts and starts talking about their sharing of a room. Paige is now really pissed and rightfully so. What is with this guy? His game is worse than mine. You would think that Dylan would walk away when he saw how upset he was making Paige, but he keeps pushing. Not cool at all.
The snow keeps coming down and when Paige finally contacts her future husband, he turns out to be a real douche bag. He is irritated with her that she is stranded and makes it clear that she needs to impress his parents. I hate that shit. I hate when I hear about guys going to their future father in law and asks them for their daughter’s hand in marriage. It’s lame as shit. Jack seems to have the same approach. Paige shouldn’t have to impress his dad and mom. Freaking mama’s boy needs to grow a set.
Since the airport is on lockdown, Dylan finds a four wheel drive vehicle and offers to take Paige, Maxine and Frank to their destinations. They all agree, but Paige is worried about how it will look. Jack already seems like a total prick. You can only guess what he would think if he saw Dylan pulling up and dropping off his future wife. He would go off on her for sure, especially if Dylan started mentioning that they shared a room. Oh, Jack would have gone mad.
The group gets into a car accident and end up at a lodge where there are only two rooms. Frank suggests that they split it up into boys and girls and they agree, but things are starting to click in Paige’s head. She sort of rushed into her relationship with Jack and is starting to realize that he is a total douche bag shithead and that Dylan seems like a much better choice. Dylan and Paige walk around the town and end up under a mistletoe and Paige makes a comment that it’s tradition, which apparently makes it OK. They kiss and then a bunch of carolers screw it up, singing Jingle Bells right when they were getting into it. Christmas cockblockers. That would be a great title for a new Hallmark holiday movie! I need to write a screenplay for them.
Paige meets Jack’s parents, Susan (Barbara Nevin) and Neil (Michael St. John Smith) and they don’t accept the hug that Paige offers. Meeting in laws is tough, but they are making it impossible. Susan is a complete bitch and keeps making insulting comments, including making that note that Paige needs to hide her boobs. Susan is one of those low cut top boob haters and those are the worst sorts of human beings in the world. If I could protest them, I would. I just wouldn’t know where to stand, how to organize a group, and what to write on my signs.
As all this happens, Maxine and Frank start to realize that they still love each other and they give Dylan some good advice. They basically say: Go destroy Jack’s life. So he does. (Spoiler) Paige leaves Jack right in front of his parents, at a country club where EVERYONE knows him, and goes with Dylan. I’m sure the sequel starts with poor Jack killing himself. I know he wasn’t perfect, but if you’re going to screw him hard from behind, don’t do it in front of all his friends.
A CHRISTMAS DETOUR was decent. It wasn’t great, but the cast was good and it was certainly watchable, but I do feel bad for Jack. They didn’t have to do him like that. That was cold, Candace. That was so cold.
Rating: 6/10
