By Melissa Antoinette Garza
I’ve been out of work since about June 1, 2016. When I went out on short-term disability, I didn’t expect it to be out of work this long, but alas PTSD doesn’t play by my schedule. I wrote about the whole thing back when I wrote about my father, the crazy pedo with the gun. As I don’t have the energy or mindset to get into that right now, you can read about my youthful insanity here: http://www.scaredstiffreviews.com/survivors-with-scars-my-story-as-an-incest-survivor/
So, I work for an insurance company that handles its own Short-Term Disability claims and until recently the disability department has been cooperative. From what I can tell, if the disability doesn’t last more than a few months, the claims division will pay it out; but longer than that, they start to raise eyebrows. Sadly, PTSD doesn’t work on their schedule, either.
It’s difficult to explain why I’m still out of work. A lot of the reasons, are the ones that existed when I first went out. Insomnia, night terrors, migraines, vomiting, anxiety, flashbacks, fatigue and major depression. Hell, every time someone rings the doorbell, I hide under the blanket. If the husband isn’t home, the door isn’t answered – and that’s residual. When I was a kid, my mother and I couldn’t answer the door when my dad wasn’t home. We were told to hide, so instinct kicks in and I have an anxiety attack.
Then, there are other physical issues. I began having muscle twitches. First it was, leg spasms, but my older sister has restless leg syndrome so I thought nothing of it. Then, it advanced to my arms and fingers. My right hand is constantly twitching. It definitely may be medication related, but it’s especially irritating because typing is so much harder. I have to take breaks. Perhaps, you’ve noticed my reviews are slightly more scarce or a bit shorter. Sometimes I can type and sometimes I can’t. Sometimes I end up hitting the same letter over and over again. It sucks. Typing is the only thing I ever won a school award for, I don’t want to permanently lose that. My favorite Christmas present ever was an electric typewriter. My mom got into quite a bit of trouble for buying it, but I ran out of ink and paper constantly. I remember begging for $16 to get an ink cartridge. Losing my typing skills scare the hell out of me, so the physical issues also cause anxiety thus mental issues.
Also, my memory is shot. When I write a review now, even if it’s after I’ve seen a film, I will have IMDB open for character names and a synopsis. At times, I’ll completely forget I’ve seen a movie, I had seen only a day or so before. Entire events that I buy tickets for, I forget to go to. This could be anxiety related. This could be because my head is spinning or med related.
For precautionary reasons and at the suggestion of my therapist, I went to a neurologist who is setting up an MRI and also a sleep study. I just went to Baystate Neurology on 10/18/2016 and if anyone is having possible issues and live in the Springfield MA location, I suggest them. My doctor was really great and understanding.
Beyond just the neurologist, my psychiatrist also lowered my Gabapentin intake. Instead of 1800 mg a day, I’m taking 1200mg a day. He thought Gabapentin could have something to do with my muscle twitches and reduced them. It hasn’t yet.
Part of the issue that people without PTSD don’t understand is that there are better days. So, if I talk to my Short-Term Disability agent and tell them that I think I’m doing good, I really do – for that day, or that week, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to fall again nor does it mean I’m ready to go back to work.
When I switched from Seroquel to Trazadone, I felt like I was “alive” again; and comparatively I was. I’m convinced Seroquel would’ve killed me. I never had audible hallucinations before and it took a couple days of being off Seroquel for them to stop. So comparatively, I was doing good. With Trazadone, I can get 4 hours sleep approximately, some nights. Some nights, I just feel like I took a Xanax and am groggy but awake. Some nights, I have a night terror and will do anything to stay awake.
Still, there are days or sometimes hours I feel on top of the world, and then on a dime I can be lying on bed, unable to move, unable to sleep, and nearly wanting to die. I’m not suicidal, but there are days that if not for my hubby and bunnies, I just wouldn’t care if I did die. For those who love me and read this, I’m not going to kill myself! I reiterate, I’m not going to commit suicide nor am I suicidal. At my worst times, I’m not suicidal. I just sometimes think, “this would be so much easier if it was all just over and done with.” Some people say, “You’re bi-polar!” Like, that’s news to me or as if I haven’t discussed it with my psychiatrist. Basically, I am – but because it’s all comes from the PTSD, the bi-polar tendencies are just symptoms of the problem. I’m PTSD with bi-polar tendencies.
PTSD doesn’t go away – so why don’t I just go on full disability? I’ve been asked that so many times. I have nothing against people who are on federal disability for mental anguish. Some of the closest people in my life are on full disability and I support them. And maybe someday if it comes to that and I feel there is no other option, I’ll revisit my thoughts on it. Going on federal disability doesn’t change anything – it doesn’t change that I have PTSD, depression and it sure as hell doesn’t change that when I’m capable, I can do great work at my job. More than anything, to me, going on full federal disability makes me feel as though my father wins.
So, what I need is time. I need time to get everything in my head and with my body straight. I don’t know if the twitches and spasms are related to the meds or not. I don’t know if my memory loss is related to the meds or if there’s something wrong with my brain. I need time to figure out what’s going on and if the meds are negatively impacting me and my psychiatrist needs to change them, I’ll probably need time to get off the old ones and on the new ones. The issue is that Short Term Disability/Long Term Disability,can’t and won’t take that as an answer. Even in this day and age, they want some black-and-white answer. Why are you on disability? With a broken leg or a bad back, a doctor can say, “8-10 weeks.” With PTSD, nobody knows. I don’t know. Hell, it takes me hours and sometimes days of prepping just to call my Short Term Disability agent without having an anxiety attack, and usually I still have one once I get off the phone. And I’m sure the agent is doing her job and taking down everything I say and I’m sure I don’t remember to say half the stuff I intended to – again memory is shot. I try to write down stuff before calling, but when I’m on the phone I tend to pace or sit in the bathroom with my back against the closed door.
There is so much I need to figure out. I know I need to find out why I’m twitching. I know the reduction of Gabapentin is probably correlated to the increase in anxiety, but if it diminishes the twitching (which it hasn’t yet), fine, but I need to find something to reduce my anxiety that doesn’t cause me to twitch. I need to find a successful coping mechanism to night terrors that don’t include my nightmare loop (my nightmare loop is when I have a night terror, think I’ve woken up, am still asleep and it happens again and again and again until I really wake up).
I am grateful that my husband and I are in a situation where going without pay for 2 months, hasn’t killed us. We planned ahead, but if I had been unable to, or if I was the only breadwinner in the house, this would have been devastating. I sympathize with those who suffer the way I do but are forced back to work too early.
I want to be able to go to work, like everyone else, and not have a panic attack and throw up in the bathroom because I thought a pole someone was holding was a shot-gun. I want to be able to go to work and not panic when I hear someone who sounds like my father on the other line. I want to be able to go to a gynecologist and not cry when having to explain why I can’t have a pap smear.
I like where I work and have respect for the company, but if I am forced to get legal representation to keep my job and stay on disability until my therapist, psychiatrist and I feel it is appropriate to go back to work, I will.
I wrote this today because I’m aggravated. I’m aggravated because I feel that my Short-Term disability agent is unsympathetic. I hear the tone I’ve heard so many times before from “friends” or “colleagues” who think my anxiety, depression and PTSD are excuses not to work. I get their skepticism to a point, but it pisses me off nonetheless. People who suffer from PTSD get it. I’m glad for those who don’t suffer, but I wish some good be a tad more empathetic.
When it comes down to it, I would be paid more if I went on Federal Disability. I have PTSD which is covered by the American Disability Act and being approved by a judge would be most likely pretty simple, but that’s not the point. I want to work, but I need to do it when I’m capable and feeling like Cinderella near midnight doesn’t decrease my anxiety.
So though, I may be depressed and running on empty, but if necessary I will expose a broken system that discriminates against people with mental disabilities.
I don’t even know why I wrote this. As a child, I always wrote things in journals and diaries. Maybe, I’m using this platform to share aspects of my life that I couldn’t share as a child. The secrets of my childhood have been revealed, and maybe I’m a bit too open now; but that’s the way I need to be and that’s how I feel most safe.
