By Geno McGahee
A horror movie with Grizzly Adams (Dan Haggerty) is something that seems made in heaven and then you add in a Nazi elf and you are beginning to cook with grease. Those two factors going in made me optimistic that this would be a great film and it was pretty darn good.
We begin with Kirsten (Julie Austin) and she doesn’t have it well. Her grandfather (Borah Silver) is a complete dick that feels the need to physically discipline her, her mother (Deanna Lund) is a sadistic and troubled wreck, and her boss at her job is an asshole. She can’t even trust the store Santa. She sits on his lap and he proceeds to rub her leg and say “Santa wants oral.” Her entire world is full of perverts and jerks with the exception of good old Grizzly Adams. If you don’t like the fact that I call him Grizzly Adams because he’s not Grizzly Adams in this, you can fuck yourself.
Kirsten makes a mistake and brings forth a Nazi elf…the perfect soldier that is three feet tall and cannot die…well, it can, but it takes a great deal and only Kirsten can kill it. This Nazi elf is now going around and stirring shit up, killing various villains in the film (and there are plenty) and trying to get at Kirsten because he wants to mate with her. Always sex with these monsters…they always want sex and this little bugger is no different.
The elf itself is incredibly terrible looking. They had zero budget to make it passable and opted to use creative filming to try to get it by. The puppetry is so bad and the elf is expressionless…just that big dopey look on his ugly face. But, I refused to give a bad review based on the look of a puppet villain. I was able to go beyond it and look at this movie for what it truly is.
Grandpa has some secrets and the worst was (spoiler) that he is not the grandfather. He is the father to Kirsten and actually nailed his own daughter, her mother, to seal the Nazi deal and create the perfect baby mama for the horny elf. I was waiting for Grizzly Adams to dump Grandpa out of his freaking wheelchair and then have his bear sodomize him. It didn’t happen, unless it’s on the deleted scenes.
It’s sort of odd how this movie paints Grandpa as a villain and a rapist and then sort of makes him a hero at the end. I just didn’t understand that, but this movie isn’t all that thought out. The characters are over the top and colorful, which helps, and Grizzly Adams comes off as sincere and good. You can root for him to help Kirsten and I did! Go Grizzly!
ELVES is not a great movie by any stretch of the imagination, but it is entertaining and fun. I found myself laughing a lot and the premise was just so absurd that you had to find it amusing. Come on…Nazi created elves? That’s unique and ridiculous! I highly recommend ELVES…it’s crazy enough to be fun.
Rating: 6.5/10
